Chapter 35, 2010, Spring Break

Chapter 35, 2010 Spring Break

Frankie is going to the Villages, the retirement community in Florida, to visit Mike's Mom for spring break with her friend Maria. She just wants to be somewhere warm and doesn't care, not much anyway, that she'll be surrounded by retired people rather than teenage boys. Alex is driving with a few college friends to her boyfriend Steve's parent's home in Florida. They have graciously offered their condo on the beach as well as their home inland to Steve and his classmates for the week. This is very generous of them.

Katie, unlike her sisters, has no plans. She suggests a road trip to Minnesota for the two of us since we are the only ones who share the same spring break schedule. Her motivation for this request, in my opinion, comes from seeing me deteriorate over the past several months. Those who know me well notice a mental burden resting on my shoulders subduing the spring in my step and outward enthusiasm for life. I have felt the need to see my parents due to my current state of health so I agree to the journey. Mike has a lot going on at work and is unable to make the trip and Frankie is still in school which leaves the two of them home to care for the dog.

My cancer is being controlled by the current chemo but at an extremely high cost, not only literally, but physically. The three treatments I've had are some of the roughest yet. It brings back memories of the first chemo after the initial metastasis. Let's just say I'm back to the soldier days of putting one foot in front of the other and pushing myself every single day to survive, to make it through.

Katie and I plan to leave our home around three pm beating our rush hour and avoiding Chicago's as well. Driving into Chicago is always busy but if you hit that town at the wrong time it can add two hours or more to your trip. We are going to stop in Chicago and stay overnight at my friend Jeanne's because I can't drive twelve hours straight and her house is just about half way making it a nice break. Unfortunately Jeanne will be out of town on our way through, but offers her place for the night which I gladly accept. We plan to stay the night get up early, grab a Starbuck's and get back on the road after rush hour again dies down in the morning. The perfect travel plans.

By the way, we do back out of our driveway at exactly the scheduled time, unheard of when Mike is in charge of the trip. Before we pull away I ask Katie to notice the time and the calm fashion the two of us packed the car to an organized state. If you recall, as a family we always fight when leaving for a trip. Mike insists on packing the car by himself and then we wait in the car in the driveway until he is ready to go. I feel packing the car should be a shared responsibility. If you bring it, you are responsible for hauling it in and out of the car. With that we are on our way to hopefully a rewarding adventure.

The drive is uneventful. We talk about school and love interests, not that Katie really has any. There are always boys interested in her, but she tells them right off that she doesn't really date and is a commitment phoebe. They try to no avail to change her mind and then move on without any luck. Katie has a new roommate this semester. The original one left at the end of fall semester. The new one dropped a few items off in the room met Katie briefly and had not been seen or heard from for two months until one day Katie was changing out in the open, because there was never anyone there, and she looked up saw the roommate sleeping in her bed. She was shocked as she ran quickly into the bathroom to finish changing. She never saw the girl after that, but enjoyed having her own space.

We have nothing to argue about other than Katie's choice of music. Unlike my parents, or mostly my dad, I let the kids listen to the music they like rather than them listening to mine. Usually I like their style of tunes if it's some form of top 40 but she has gotten into some nasty rap that I can't bear to listen to. What happened to the feminist movement anyway? These musicians call woman bitches and other derogatory names as well as discuss overt sexual acts in plain English. The music of my era may have had questionable lyrics, but I rarely understood what they were saying or what it meant. There is no question in your mind what they are discussing here. Some songs I just have to ask her to turn off because I can't take listening to them.

We're getting hungry and closer to Chicago at the same time. Katie is in the mood for steak. If we wait to eat until Chicago, we'll have to take out a second mortgage to pay for the meal and we may have a long wait on a Saturday evening. We opt to get off the Turnpike and look for a chain type restaurant which we found after about an hour of driving. Steak was on the menu leading us to each order a different version of it. After just a few bites we put down the forks and knives, settled the bill and walked out. I thought it may have tasted bad to me because chemo makes everything taste different but Katie's was awful as well. Sometimes my frugal ways get in the way of a smart decision. We wasted gas, food money and time trying to save a buck. Going to a Chicago restaurant probably would have been cheaper and much better tasting in the long run. Katie now gets sick at the mere mention of that chain and refuses to eat there again.

Jeanne's warm condo was waiting for us. Finding a parking spot, as always, is a challenge in the city. Fortunately we found one just a half block down from her place which is a cute town home near the freeway and surrounded by many of the conveniences a city has to offer. We always enjoy staying with her. In typical Jeanne fashion she has breakfast items laid out and a list of what all is available to us. The first order of business was to put on our pajamas get into bed on turn on the television. It was late and we were both tired.

As always, Katie had trouble falling asleep and I had trouble sleeping through the night. It had nothing to do with the accommodations because they were perfect but I have a hard time sleeping anywhere but my own bed. By 9:00 am we were showered and out the door briefly stopping at Starbucks for coffee and tea before we hit the highway. Sunday morning traffic in Chicago is fairly light. Thank you. There are about six and a half hours left on the trip. Katie and I are going to meet family members that live in Minneapolis for dinner. This includes Angie and her family, Mary and her son and husband, Kerry and her daughter Rubina. As we arrive we are happy to get out and stretch our legs and walk around. Surprisingly it is a beautiful March day in Minneapolis. The temperature is about 55 degrees, almost balmy for the area at this time of year.

My place at the table is next to Katie and Rubina, Kerry's daughter, the eight year old adopted child from a Russian orphanage, who can be a bit of a pickle. At this young age she is demanding and enjoys having her way. Today however she is quiet and coloring. Her therapist, as she informs me, tells her that coloring calms you down; she continues on saying that she has an anger management problem. I guess I can see that and am happy Kerry is helping her in the way of counseling. Her Mom Kerry looks good; she is still recovering from her own cancer and chemo experience. Her wigs looks great and very natural, I actually thought it was her own hair. As anyone would be, Kerry is relieved to be free of cancer and no longer on chemo.

It is nice to be sitting at the table with half of my family after this long trip. I let Katie order a cocktail to celebrate her own spring break, an extremely small percentage of what she would normally drink if on a break with her friends. The late afternoon meal is spent catching up with everyone leaving out anything to do with my health. This is not a time to get serious or sad but to laugh and cherish this time that we have with one another. By the time dinner is over I am ready to go home, unpack and rest. We hug and kiss everyone goodbye and then head for Angie and her husband Rico's home. Their house is also inviting with clean rooms full of beautifully decorated items including big comfortable couches, attractive views of nature and all the tasty treats you can think of. We visit for awhile longer after we arrive home and then head for bed since everyone besides us has to be to work by 8:00 the next morning.

Angie is a paraprofessional at a local junior high working with students challenged in the homework department. On our way out to a shopping mall Katie and I stop to visit and meet many of her friends and coworkers. She currently doesn't have students in her room and is able to give us the grand tour. Leading us through the halls joking and laughing with everyone she meets. It is apparent that she enjoys what she does, like teach a little Yoga breathing to a student with test anxiety before they sit down to take an exam. She also brings snacks from home for students that don't get a proper breakfast in the morning. Her love and care goes a long way with these kids.

Our next stop is shopping for Katie. Her first question, "How much do I get to spend?" Because her sister's were given money for their trips Katie is allowed the same amount for whatever she wants to get. DSW a shoe Warehouse is one of her favorite stores. She thinks she's Kerry Bradshaw from Sex in the City, on a budget. Katie is in love with shoes. I wonder if it stems from the fact that she had to make do with her sister's hand me down dance shoes. At any rate, she is now all about the Ugg boots and designer heels.

Katie, like a detective, scours the store for the perfect boot, trying on more than I can count. After finding almost the perfect pair she is afraid to make a decision too soon for fear of missing out on something even better at another shop. We move on to many other outlets until it is time to go back to Angie's. Alas there was no better pair of boots out there which means we have to go back to DSW but it is too late and we'll have to wait until the morning. According to Katie, these boots were almost perfect and above all, they were on sale at a great price which is probably why they were gone when we went back, even though we asked them to hold them for us. This was all Katie needed to ruin her vacation. She sulked around the rest of the day until we were driving to my parents, about 90 miles south of Minneapolis and I reminded her why we took this vacation in the first place. It wasn't for the shopping or the shoes, but for a memory of some mother, daughter bonding. By the time we reached my parents she was fine.

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a big celebration in the O'Brien house. Because dad is from Northern Ireland we've always had a family celebration with a good meal and a green cake. When we were young we would do the Irish jig as a family at schools or churches. I remember one such occasion where my older sister Kim, a year older than me, was jigging down the line of us and her little skirt just dropped to the floor, she must have been around six years old. The poor kid was devastated but like a trooper she pulled it up quickly as we all giggled with nervous laughter.

Many people in the town of 18,000 knew of the O'Brien's. Dad owned a Goodyear Store and he had a jingle on a local radio station which went like this; Frank O'Brien the tire man the Goodyear man from Ireland, nobody does it better than Frank O'Brien the Goodyear man. Not only was the jingle famous in our surrounding area but so was the legendary Irish coffee served at 7:00 am on St. Patrick's Day! I'll never forget the evening I saw my dad asleep on the couch at 6:00 pm on a St. Patrick's Day missing our party because of too much Irish imbibing at the store! One positive note, it was the most lucrative day for tire sales. My dad would pull out the Irish Brogue and charm and sell, sell, sell! There is no better salesman than an Irishmen with the gift of storytelling.

Katie enjoyed our St. Patty's Day party with her older cousins, Kelsey, Jack, Sean, Charlie and Alycia who is my niece Angie's daughter but she is same age as Frankie. The two are only four months apart in age but quite different in demeanor. One example of this came to light on a trip to the Mall of America. Frankie and Alycia went on a log ride together at the age of five. This is a ride where they take a picture on your descent hoping to capture the crazy faces people make of fear, exhilaration or excitement, all of which can be quite funny. Alycia looked like a little puppy dog with her head out the window of a car, pigtails flapping in the wind. Frankie on the other hand was sitting up as erect as a board, eyes wide with terror and her mouth open with what must have been a blood curdling scream trying to come out. We still pull that picture out and laugh every time.

Our visit to Minnesota was short and sweet. The side effects of the chemo have been ok and not kept me from doing anything fun with my family. Seeing all of them has given me the lift I needed to keep pushing on with this journey. Katie and I will be leaving in the morning for Chicago. We plan on staying with Jeanne Thursday and Friday but heading back to Elyria early Saturday morning. Jeanne is working on Friday leaving Katie and I to our own devices in the city until 5:00. We are having dinner with friends Denice and Pete when Jeanne and Denice get off work.

We start on North Michigan Avenue closer to the lakefront. Many of the shops on this street are expensive, but fun to walk through and look for bargains. We spend most of the day shopping or at least Katie does. I'm just along for the ride. We stop for lunch, I try to contact my friend Annette who works on this street but I went to the wrong building, go figure, my brain doesn't always work the way I want it to. The weather is beautiful in Chicago today making it easy for us to walk all the way down Michigan Avenue.

As we make our way through the street of stores I remind Katie that there is a DSW not too far away and perhaps they'll have the elusive boots. I was wrong it was at least five miles away but we wouldn't find that out until we were more than half way there. We could have taken a cab but again I am too cheap and getting exercise is always on my mind which means we walk. It is late, almost 5:00 and DSW is in sight. Thank God! My feet are killing me and I am getting crabby along with Katie.

The search begins up and down every single isle. We can't find the boots but there are many other styles Katie tries on. She is getting upset all over again until I walk into my favorite section, clearance, and see a familiar boot. Can this be it? I don't think so because they have two pair in Katie's size. I pick them up, walk over to her and ask if these are the ones? Her sheepish little pout lights up like its Christmas morning while I comment on what little faith she has for everything to work out! This makes the trip a success, not only that but Denice and Pete's townhome is just a few blocks away getting us there at exactly the right time.

Pete is retired at 55 giving him the time to make dinner. He like Denice worked for the City in Human Resources. Denice is still there while Pete enjoys retirement, babysitting a few days a week with his grandchild. Their home is lovely with a balcony running the span of the apartment, boasting granite counter tops and beautiful wood floors. Pete has made pasta with and without meat sauce for those of us honoring Lent. The evening was relaxing with a bottle of wine and quite conversation which we needed because our feet were killing us. We were back to Jeanne's and in bed by 10:00 pm.

The week has slipped by so quickly. Jeanne, being the perfect hostess, makes a breakfast before our six hour drive home. Both of us are glad to see Mike and Frankie upon arriving home. It is always nice going on a trip but even nicer to get home and back into your normal routine. I'll remember the trip with Katie forever!

Advice

Continued survival through a terminal illness will lead you down a path of hills and valleys. Enjoy the hills; pick up steam from them so you have the energy to make it through the more difficult times.

Use memories of days gone by to remind you of how things have been and could be again.

Spend time separately with each one of your children, siblings, parents or friends and give them your undivided attention. You'll learn so much more about one another.

Take a road trip to somewhere fun, get lost in the joy of it diverting your attention from your woes.

Again, exercise, breathe deep, enjoy

Chapter 34, A new chemo and the cancer spreads

Chapter 34, 2010, the cancer continues to spread

The cancer continues to spread

January, 2010 the beginning of yet another new year. The past chemo therapies are not working allowing the tumors to continue to spread in the bone. My left femur, which is the thigh bone, now has a tumor. I can feel it when I teach exercise class. The pain is there looming in the background until I do a squat, an exercise for the thighs and butt, that is when it roars its ugly head in pain. After confirming the presence of the tumor Dr. Budd changes my chemo to Avastin and Ixabepilone he also refers me again to the Radiation Oncologist as well as an Orthopedic doctor to discuss what options are best for me, surgery to stabilize the bone or radiation. The surgical procedure would require putting a pin in the bone making it less likely to break. The bones can become brittle and weak when compromised by cancer, if the thigh bone breaks my mobility would be lost temporarily.

Before going to the doctor I made up my mind that I was not going to have any type of surgery. This would put me down for several weeks which would mean I couldn't teach and I'd need help around the house with basic daily tasks and activities. I'm not interested, but I'm willing to listen to what the doc says. It is bad enough that my health continues to deteriorate; immobility would probably send me over the edge. During the Orthopedic exam, the physician commented on my excellent flexibility, agility and strength. Yoga and other combined exercise are responsible for those benefits, thank God for that good news. This is why I exercise even when I don't feel like it, the positive aspects are too many to ignore. We discuss my options and both agree that surgery probably isn't the best one. He let me go with the understanding that I would not participate in high impact aerobic type exercise like running and jumping. I agreed. My next stop would be a visit with the Radiation Oncologist. We set up a time in February for one large dose of radiation to the tumor in the thigh bone.

Unfortunately the procedure is scheduled for the same day Frankie is making her Confirmation. This is a Sacrament where a parishioner confirms their faith in Catholicism and commits to it as their faith going into adulthood, an important time in Frankie's religious life. It is regretful but necessary that I have to have this treatment on the same day, but we'll make due.

Frankie's best friend and our next door neighbor KK is Frankie's sponsor for the event. Alex is unable to be here because of school but Mike, his mom, Chuck, Katie, Frankie's good friend Maria and me are in attendance. The students proceed into the church at 7:00 pm sharp, as I watch full of emotion the effects of the radiation performed on me earlier in the day are about to come to a crescendo. Thankfully Frankie and KK are several pews ahead of us and are unaware of my departure to the restroom where I spend a good portion of the service throwing up. Katie came in to check on me making sure I was ok and to escort me back into the church when I was ready. Again, I am in my pew in time to watch the Bishop, the clergy that performs the service, confirm and bless Frankie along with the rest of the participants just prior to the service ending.

Frankie, Katie and friends had fun after the ceremony laughing chatting and posing for photos they would eventually put on their Facebook pages. Unfortunately, some of their pictures were in front of the Stations of the Cross and not exactly appropriate for a church but they didn't notice and I was too sick to make the observation. All I wanted to do was avoid people and conversations for fear of getting sick again. This behavior may have come off as rude or unsocial but for me it was all about witnessing this important moment in Frankie's life and making it through the night.

The cost of chemo

Today a statement arrived in the mail for the first treatment on these new medications, Avastin, Ixabepilone, all the pre-meds, blood draws and a Neulasta treatment to the tune of $70,000. I almost died right then and there. After investigating I found out later that this cost was negotiated down between the Insurance Company and the Clinic, to about $28,000 every three weeks, but come on. How can that be?

How ridiculous is it that one treatment costs so much money? Many people don't make that in a year and this is the charge every three weeks. Thankfully insurance covers most of the charges, but how long are they going to want to pay that? The expense of this illness weighs heavily on my mind, whether it is my money or the insurer's, the cost is mind boggling. Again, I realize that it can take up to twenty years to bring a drug to the point where it is FDA approved, but these circumstances concerning price would probably keep those drugs out of reach to many people.

All that money and I feel like death warmed over. Gone are the days of feeling better for a few weeks between chemo sessions. There is some relief after the first week, but not much, this treatment leaves me feeling sick most of the time. It's hard to take. And I find myself wondering how long I'm going to be able to do this. Family and work, as always, are my priorities. Like clockwork I show up for those two main concerns. Bedtime, my favorite time, comes a little earlier these days just because I get a break during sleep. I'm in bed by nine and usually up by six. If I didn't have these commitments to push myself forward would I still be doing this? Who knows? Luckily I don't have to think about that too much because I do have them. I am grateful.

Advice

Look at your medical options and hopefully you will have more than one to choose from. Consult with your physician but make an educated choice as to what will work best in your own life.

Always include the affects of a decision on your mental outlook. If your spirits are compromised for an extended period of time your fight for life will become more difficult.

Exercise!

Put your own feeling of pain on the back shelf if need be for a short time to experience an important event for a loved one. It is well worth it.

Keep making commitments that you have to show up for, that action can help you move forward as well as take your mind away from your less than desired physical and mental state.

Chapter 33, When it pours it Thunders, 2009

Chapter 33, 2009, when it pours it Thunders
Dick passes away
Dick has not gotten any better which prompts the medical facility to move him to a long term care for patients on a vent. There are three rest home type places to choose from. The nearest is 30 to 40 minutes away. The furthest is an hour and a half and there is one in between those two. After looking into all of these we chose the home with the best reputation in successfully removing patients from the vent. The institution, however, would not accept Dick because, according to previous reports from the hospital, he wasn't motivated enough to get off the machine. We then chose the closest one enabling us to make daily visits.
The month is now February of 2009. Dick has been moved to the new establishment and placed in a room with a gentleman that is worse off than him, if that's possible. By day he gets more and more depressed. All he wants are pain meds and sleep. The respiratory therapist comes in once a day to encourage Dick to engage in conversation. This involves exchanging a piece of plastic from the tracheotomy cuff which enables him to make sound. There are days he is interested in engaging in conversation and others he is despondent and won't try. He is at least able to say how much he dislikes this place and wants to move back to the previous hospital, which he complained about whenever he had his talking piece in. Unfortunately, Dick does not understand that this is not possible, the hospital steps you down to a lower care facility because you still need constant medical attention, but it is no longer urgent.
The staff thinks moving Dick to another room may help his mood. His new space has more light and you can see trees out the window. This is a positive change. He was alone for a few days but soon gained a roommate. This gentleman is at least 15 years younger and although in bad shape seems to improve rapidly. Within a month the roommate, Steve, was talking and telling his story. He too went in for a minor surgery but ended up being vented because of complications with him physically, he was a grossly overweight smoker with poor lung capacity. On many occasions we would end up talking to Steve because Dick was unresponsive and Steve, unfortunately, rarely had visitors. Now that we had created a bond with Steve he became Dick's advocate for care when we couldn't be there. Upon entering the room we'd hear reports of what the staff did or did not do that day. The worst news being that they left him lying in his own feces for at least 6 hours, or that Dick had to be restrained because he had pulled his breathing tube out of the tracheotomy collar and they were slow in responding to put it back in. Heads did roll on the bad news days. Mike stormed into the manager's office for answers to this lack of care. After that, attention to his case would improve, but Dick would not.
The worst times for me are the Fridays I have chemo. I'm sick and tired after a day of treatment, but because Mike comes to my appointments and we have not been to visit Dick all day, we stop on the way home from the clinic. This is when I subconsciously let the thoughts of my own mortality creep in. I'd face the thoughts of fear about my own death. I'd let everything get to me on these days from feeling depressed by watching someone you love withering away in an awful environment to heightened awareness of the slight yet almost constant stench of human waste from incontinent patients. My imaginary blinders would go up as I walked past all the other rooms of vented patients, some who had been there for years. These were the days I'd say to Mike, "If I'm ever in a position like this, I want the plug pulled immediately, do not let me linger." After the side effects of chemo would wear off my positive attitude would return.
By March 2009, Dick's health continues to deteriorate. Mike realizes that his dad isn't going to get better. His brother Bob comes from Oklahoma to see his father and to discuss with Mike plans for removing him from the machine. Dick has a living will asking not to be kept alive through artificial means if there is no hope for what he would call a normal life without the machine. There is also a do not resuscitate order, meaning if he stops breathing don't make any heroic efforts to bring him back. Mike, along with his brother Bob make the decision to take their father off the machine. We turn to a very dear friend named Joanie, who manages a hospice, for guidance. We've known and been friends with Joanie and her family for years. Her son Greg went through school with Alex and her daughter Megan played volleyball and attended school with Katie. Their oldest daughter Mandy was always a spectator at the sporting events along with their dad Greg so we got to know the entire family well. Joanie is a kind and compassionate person dedicating her life to helping others. She is also a take charge, do it right, task master. I knew if anyone could help us it would be her. I value and trust her opinion.
We, along with the hospice team, and the Doctor have discussions regarding the process of taking a patient off a ventilator. Joanie and Dick's caseworker Lynne sit down with us to explain what will happen once the machine is turned off. Medications such as morphine are administered for comfort so the patient doesn't feel pain or fear from not being able to breathe. If Dick were to live for any extended period of time he would be taken to their hospice facility. All of the professionals indicate that once he is taken off the machine he won't last more than a few hours. Mike and Bob decide to take Dick off life support on April 1st at 10:00 am.
On Sunday March 29th I start to feel very ill, and have a fever of 102 which prompts us to go to the emergency room. There is an infection somewhere in my body which is causing the fever and my white blood counts are not high enough to fight the infection so I am hospitalized. My stay lasts over five days which means I can't be with Mike when he removes his father from life support. Mike's brother Bob and wife Mae are playing a waiting game since their family leave or vacation time is limited. They can't be here when he is removed from the machine because no one knows how long he will last and they want to be present for the funeral. Bob said his goodbyes to his dad on his last visit.
The first is on a Wednesday so Alex came home on the weekend to say goodbye to her grandpa and Frankie doesn't feel she is emotionally strong enough to see Dick removed from the machine so she also said good bye a few days before the event. Katie, along with Mike, the nurse from the facility and Lynne from hospice are all in attendance for the removal.
Once Dick is taken off the vent everyone just waits, the nurse checks on him intermittently while Mike and Katie take turns holding Dick's hand, shedding a tear or just waiting and watching. Within a few hours Dick had passed. Mike called us one at a time with the news. I ask him how he is and he replies "I'm ok, sad, but ok." then I breakdown in quiet tears hiding my emotions from the hospital staff occasional milling in and out of my room. Katie left to go back to class to tell Frankie and get her out of school. While driving home she called her sister Alex at college to talk, during all of this Katie was stopped by the highway patrol for speeding. She quietly took the ticket without explaining the emotional trauma she had just been through with her Grandpa. When she got back to school she went to Frankie's History class to give her the news and take her home. They then both cried in each others' arms. That day the girls and Mike came down to the hospital so we could be together and comfort one another. Alex was just a phone call away which made it easy to include her.
The next day I was released from the hospital. The trial drug was not working for me any longer because my cancer had spread not only to the bones in the lumbar area but the thoracic region. After a four year long stint I was taken off the drug. At a later date we would discuss the doctor's next plan of attack. We were too busy thinking about the service and everything that had to be done with that. Mike had taken some time off work to plan his Dad's funeral. The viewing was on Friday and the Funeral was held Saturday followed by the burial.
Dick was a career man in the Air Force. His funeral and viewing were held at the same establishment. Many of our friends, family and neighbors are in attendance. The Donahue's, who live next door or Frankie's other family as we refer to them, are there like they have been at every other function we've had over the years from graduations to birthdays. Their presence means a lot as does the attendance of many of the friends and family I've spoken of throughout this journal.
The burial was at a military cemetery several miles away. It was an awful early April day with cold blowing wind and rain mixed with snow. We, just family and two of Dick's friends, sat outside under a covering for the short burial service which ended with a 21 gun salute. He would have liked the pomp and circumstance. I felt sad that he was gone but happy that his spirit was free from his ailing body, the rest home and the machine that was keeping him alive. Now he could soar with the wind and be happy again. Rest in Peace Dick.
Alex's friend loses her mother to Breast Cancer
A few days after Dick's funeral Alex's close friend Erica from college lost her mother to Breast Cancer. Her Mom was younger than me and this was her second bout with cancer. She fell victim to cancer at a very early age, but because of her awful ordeal with chemo the first time around she decided to forgo those types of treatments. She survived about a half year after her diagnosis. Erica and I exchanged emails on occasion In regard to her mother's condition as well as Erica's feeling about what was going on with her Mom. Being there for her through emails was important to me. It broke my heart not only for her, but thinking that my girls may be going through the same situation one day, if that happens I hope someone's mom is there for them. Erica is a special talented young woman who flourishes at college sports and academics. Her mother would be so proud of the way this young woman has handled everything after her loss.


I start a new chemo
April 2009 Dr. Bud puts me on a new chemo called Exemestane. The usual suspects appear as side effects, nausea, hair loss and fatigue. I continue to work and workout. My Yoga schedule has increased at the college. I'm now teaching three one credit hour classes giving me six classes a week. During my stay in the hospital a sub fills in for me. Being back at work is a Godsend! The Yoga feels like medicine to my mind helping me maintain a positive, uplifted attitude but at the same time strengthening me physically. While talking the students through the relaxation portion of the class I also try to visualize positive healthy energy flowing through my body to heal me. Yogis believe that the breath and how we breathe is the key to health. Deep abdominal breathing through the nose is one of the many necessary components for good health. Studies have shown that lack of oxygen is a factor in the cause of heart disease, stroke and cancer. Take a moment and breathe deep for your health.

My brother Brian is rushed to the emergency room
It was early May, Mother's Day weekend and my brother Brian who lives in Arvada, Colorado spends the day playing golf as he always does most weekends. He came home and got busy grilling tuna steaks for a cookout that evening. After dinner and some relaxation Brian began having a severe stomach ache. Brian, not being one to go to the doctor, or, God forbid an emergency room, waited until the pain became so severe there was no other choice but to go in.
Once admitted they ran tests and found the cause to be E coli. They decided to do surgery and search his entire digestive tract to look for tears or holes but found nothing. His body then went into septic shock. This is a life threatening condition generally stemming from leaking fluid but again they couldn't find any ruptures which just added to the mystery because this type of outcome is most often the result of blunt force trauma or a surgical mishap. He was then vented and put in a drug induced coma. Rhonda, his wife was now in shock, just a few hours earlier Brian played 18 holes and made a lovely dinner for the two of them. She phoned Brian's grown children, Heather, Joseph and Ryan as well as my parents. The kids came to the hospital for support trying also to make sense of what was going on. Mom and Dad in their late 70's and early eighties, packed their suitcases and drove the twelve hour trip from Minnesota to Arvada to see their son. Brian, in the first week of his hospital stay, like Dick, now existed because of a machine but Brian is only 57 years old.
When I heard the news my reaction was calm shock, it was too surreal. If I let this information seep too far into my brain I might breakdown. This is when I realized how good I had gotten at compartmentalizing my thoughts and emotions. Dealing with these feelings of grief, fear and loss in regard to not only Brian, but the death of Dick and the advancement of my cancer was a must. I knew I had to and eventually would deal with them, but not right now. The reaction would come but only when I was ready and could handle it. It's important to keep my focus at work and with the girls. The semester will be over soon and Katie will be graduating in a few weeks. This is the time I will let all of the emotions in or out. My sister Angie has set up a sight on the web called The Caring Bridge. Here we can get updates as to how Brian is doing. We can call as well, but instead of his already stressed out family repeating themselves 10 times a day to family members all over the country, we can connect through the web site. This tool was a wonderful idea and so nice of Angie to think of it.

May 2009 Katie graduates
A bright spot among all of these tragedies is Katie's graduation from high school. Even though Brian is sick I need to focus my attention on Katie for a few very important days. My second daughter is now preparing for her commencement day. How poignant this time is to be able to see another child of mine through high school. She has had a good run at Elyria Catholic like all students, some good times as well as bad, but is now ready to move on to Akron University for college. We are off to buy a white dress to wear under Katie's white graduation cape. The robe is white and one size fits all which means if you are very tall or short you are "shit out of luck", Katie is just five feet tall, she fits in the s-o-l category. The dress underneath has to be white so it won't show through the cape. This takes forever to find but eventually we are successful. Thankfully she already has shoes which are white as well. They are platform sandals that take her height up about four to five inches.
The day before the graduation ceremony we again, like we did with Alex, have our party for Katie. The usual people are in attendance, many of our neighbors, my friends Cindy and Bruce, Mike's Mother and her friend Chuck, my parents who have left my brother's side to be here, Jeanne's nephew is also graduating so she is not here, many of Katie's parents' friends' whom we've gotten to know over the years are here, a very fun group I might add. There are also college and work friends, in addition to Katie's friends who populate the garage, yard and house. The menu at Alex's graduation was met with success so we prepare many of the same foods. The day is busy, fun and exhausting; it ends around midnight, way past my bedtime.
The day of the ceremony we arrive a little early to ensure a good seat. The students begin to file in wearing their white gowns. Katie looks so tiny inside her white cape, like the little kid I used to know wearing her father's tee shirts from high school at the age of three. Katie actually made the "tee shirt look" work; she was a style star even then. This little girl also changed her hair style constantly. In kindergarten I'd take her to school with one hairdo and she'd walk out at the end of the day with another.
Katie, unlike her sisters had no problem separating herself from me. It was August 1993, Katie's first day of pre-school. This was the same school Alex attended. Their rooms were next to one another. Alex held my hand as long as she could, as I let go she would look back at me longingly with those huge brown eyes forming crocodile tears, stretching out her arm, hoping I'd pull her back. Katie on the other hand, dropped my grip like a hot potato practically bolting into her room, yelling "see ya." At the end of the pre-school morning Alex would dash out of her room smiling a little more now while Katie had a tendency to linger surrounding herself by her two, new best boyfriends, Joey and Max. This kid was a boy magnet even then.
As the students complete their procession into their seats on the floor of the coliseum Katie finds herself without a chair, the only one standing. Someone quickly finds her a seat, making up a row of one which didn't make her happy, but the ceremony was starting motivating her to sit. This class also plays a recording of quotes from each student, my favorite part of the day. Katie's quote is, "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." This is fitting for Katie, with each day she becomes more confident and creative with not only her style but with her life. She also thanks me and Mike for everything we've done for her.
After the ceremony we file outside and take a few moments to take pictures. Katie is like the director grabbing her friends or family for pictures barking orders to me, her dad or sisters to snap the shots. We chat with other parents or graduates while watching the kids cherish their last day at this school. Katie and her friends are smoking celebratory cigar type cigarettes which sets my dad into lecture mode. He was a smoker for at least 50 years and doesn't want his granddaughter to acquire the bad habit. One of Katie's friends Emily seeks me out for a picture of the two of us which I found touching and thoughtful. She has been there for Katie during some good and bad times as have her other close friends. We finally head home for leftover food and rest. Katie leaves to enjoy graduation parties with her friends.

June 2009 Brian loses his battle with life
After a week Brian was taken off the vent which I thought was a good sign. Within a few days he was put on full dialysis because his kidneys were not functioning properly. The staff tried to wean him to just a few hours a day to no avail. His kidneys and liver started to fail at which time he also developed a staph infection. He was in extremely bad shape. My sister Angie called informing me that Brian was dying and we all need to get out there to see him. I flew out, by myself, the next day. I met my sister's Mary, her husband Pete and son Jack, Paddy, Alice, and husband Martin, Kim with husband Joe and daughter Kelsey, Maureen and husband John Angie, with husband Rico, and sons Sean and Charlie and Kerry with her daughter Rubina. Some of us along with families stayed at the same hotel. My sister Maureen stayed with her son Tony and wife Christian who live there. Mom and Dad were back out there staying with Brian's wife. Shane his wife Amy and his three children Erin, Sam and Shea drove from Arkansas while Brendan, the last of the kids to arrive, drove from San Francisco.
Most of us were able to spend a few days visiting Brian at the hospital. We spent our time in the waiting room or in his room or walking the grounds and park outside the hospital. It gave us all cherished moments as a family to gather and bond with one another. Our brother was dying and the comfort we sought came from our family either verbally or physically, just by hugging, holding hands or simply by being in the same room together. Brian was conscious at times and able to communicate a little bit. Brendan was the last sibling to arrive he got there just in time to say goodbye. At one point we all stood around his bed holding hands praying and the radio started playing the song that we played at my Brother Kevin's funeral. We took it as a sign that he was there with us as well. The last week of Brian's life his kidneys completely failed and his wife and kids took him off all life saving procedures; he only had a morphine drip. On Friday morning, June 5th 2009, Brian died, his daughter Heather was the only one in the room. She told him it was ok to go, she assured him they would take care of each other and quietly he stopped breathing.
When Heather walked down into the lobby someone was sitting at the piano playing Somewhere over the Rainbow, a favorite song of both her and Brian. We were all called to come to the hospital. We saw him for one last time and he was then taken to be cremated. Mike and the girls immediately flew out when hearing the news of Brian's death as did my niece Angie, her husband Tim and daughter's Alicia and Boston.
The Irish Wake
The funeral was held over the weekend at Brian's favorite Golf club. His oldest son Joseph led the ceremony; he was joined by his pregnant wife Jaime with their first child, one that Brian would never meet. Everything about Joe that day reminded us of his father. It was astonishing to me that he had so much poise while speaking after just losing his dad. He was funny yet serious as he spoke of his heartfelt experiences he had with Brian. The Irish like to laugh and rejoice at a wake, of course there is sadness, that goes without saying but they rejoice in the person's life and what it meant to everyone involved. To me, that is important. His oldest daughter Heather and husband Josh spoke, Brian's youngest son Ryan, being the sensitive one, could not get up and speak. We all basked in the moment feeling the love and admiration each one had for their Father.
These grown kids did a fabulous job remembering their dad. We laughed and cried at the same time. My Dad got up and spoke as well, which was moving. He talked not only of his fondness of Brian but about the fact that he has now lost two sons. My niece Kelsey sang a favorite song of Brian's, Here with me by Dido. She has become a songbird using her voice to communicate how beautiful sound can be. Her parents Kim and Joe along with the rest of us are now allowing the tears flow without hesitation.
Other friends and family step forward to share their thoughts on Brian's zest for life, his easy way of communicating with others and his sense of humor making it a poignant, sad afternoon. The bagpipes chime in with an Irish song bringing the house down, so to speak. After the funeral everyone was first invited to hit a few balls on the driving range and then partake in a full meal at Brian's home. If he were there he would have prepared the entire meal by himself knowing it would be delicious. Cooking was his passion.
My entire family pitched in to help prepare Brian's "secret" spaghetti sauce, an all time favorite. He had just recently given this recipe to his kids, prior to that time, every ingredient that went into any of his recipes was a guarded secret. The kitchen and house were crowded with people, laughing, crying and drinking. You can't have an Irish wake without cocktails and the booze was flowing. This is when I realized that Katie had built up a tolerance for alcohol. She had more than a few drinks but was acting pretty normal. I would have been drunk after three or four. The college age kids were drinking and celebrating Alex's 20th birthday which under the circumstances, didn't get the attention that birthdays usually do, the high school age family members, were trying to grab sips here and there hoping their parents wouldn't catch them, Frankie was the bartender and Erin, the niece who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, is too young to imbibe but almost too old to play outside with the younger set so she wandered back and forth trying to find a place to fit.
I was sitting outside watching my younger nieces and nephews playing when my youngest brother Shane's twins Sam and Shea asked me to take my wig off, when I gave them a laughing no, Sammy took this as, I don't think she really cares, so he quickly grabbed it and ran down the street waving it in the air giggling with delight. I told him it was a good thing none of the adults were outside or he would have been in big trouble. To tell you the truth it was pretty funny and a welcome diversion. Funerals are an enigma, there can be so much joy and happiness packed into the sadness and loss. Soon we'd all leave for our individual homes keeping the memories of this special time about this special person, my brother Brian, close to our hearts.
Before, during and after Brian's ordeal I could feel the constant pain of what I knew was the cancer that had spread in my bones. Each time the pain would appear I'd push the negative feelings out of my mind. Thoughts of my own pain and perhaps death kept crashing in almost like waves. They'd rush in and I'd mentally push them out. How could my family deal with yet another loss? These negative feelings gave me the strength and determination to hold tight onto to my own life. My Dad must have suspected something was up because before he left for his home in Minnesota he took me a side and in his most serious tone said, "I cannot deal with yet another child dying before me, you better hold on until I kick the bucket." With that we both let out a teary smile and I promised to give it my best shot.
My six year anniversary
On this day I am again celebrating my life while letting myself now mourn the loss of Brian. I'm reminded of how worried he was about me upon my diagnosis and now he's gone, but I'm still here. You never know when your life is going to end. Appreciate the time that you have even though there are times it feels like drudgery. I hate to say this but life can just plain suck sometimes, however, being torn from it when you are not yet ready to go, sucks even more. This is the third person in my life to pass since the inception of my disease, Della, Dick and now Brian. I make sure to cherish this day and every day. Funerals remind us to appreciate the life that we are given. As we sit at our celebration tonight we remember all those that have passed over the last few years and give thanks.
My oldest sister Kerry is diagnosed with Breast Cancer
July 2009 Kerry finds out she has Breast Cancer. She is at a stage two with lymph node involvement which means a mastectomy is involved. Kerry is working full time, going for her PhD as well as raising her daughter by herself. Her stress level is high to say the least. She is a strong capable person and seems to be handling herself well through this ordeal. The operation was successful in getting all the cancer which had progressed to a stage two level. She seemed to have a harder time on chemo than I did at that stage of my illness. There were also other life complications which challenged her such as being a single Mom and the sole provider. My situation was much easier than that. I had Mike making most of the money and being there for the kids if I couldn't be. She does have good friends and family near her who help on the most difficult days but still, she had a lot of pressure.
Putting her schooling on hold was something Kerry did not want to do, but found it necessary. There were times when she wasn't sure she'd make it, but proved to herself that she was far stronger than she thought. Adversity gives us the strength we need to push through some of the worst situations only to come out triumphant. As a side note, the O'Brien's are built emotionally tough enabling them to weather some of the worst storms. I know she'll be fine.

Katie goes to college
Here we go again! Katie has spent her summer attending graduation parties of classmates and is finally embarking on her next stage in life, college. Alex starts a month later than Kate so she is able to come with us to move Katie in. Unlike Alex's experience, Katie's dorm is a renovated hotel further away from the hustle bustle of the main campus. There were not hordes of students or parents jockeying for parking spaces, elevators, etc. The school Katie is attending is much smaller making the move in faster. One bright spot, a bathroom inside the room complete with a bathtub, you don't see that every day in a dorm room. The space is also much bigger than your typical dorm room.
When we get up to the room Katie's roommate, her mother and her boyfriend are already moving in. We open the door to them silently putting her belongings away while the roommate silently cried. It was like a funeral or something. My first thought was, this is a very bad sign. The O'Brien Wetzel family is loud with laughter or squabbling while putting everything in its proper place. And this family was as quiet and solemn as church mice. I find myself praying that this is going to be a good fit.
Katie is an absolute perfectionist and a clean freak so she was directing traffic as to where her belongings should go and what we could and could not touch. For instance, you can't sit on Katie's bed if your feet are dirty, actually she'd really prefer you not sit on her bed at all. Thankfully Mike had an easy time getting her computer and printer up and running. Once everything was neatly stored we set out to explore the campus and get something to eat. Mike of course stopped in the bookstore and bought sweatshirts with the school logo for everyone while Katie picked up her books, etc. We checked out the brand new recreation center which was beautiful. The equipment was new, it was clean and there were several sections of gym where basketball and volleyball games were going on. After our tour we walked Katie back to her room and said our goodbyes with just a few tears, from me of course. On the drive home my thoughts were filled with Katie growing up making changes and becoming this now capable young woman who I am so proud of. Later that day Katie and her roommate got their schedules and walked the campus preparing themselves for Monday's classes. Maybe this roommate situation will work.
Various Chemo and Radiation treatments
July of 2009 I was put on a different chemo because of the progression of tumors in the bones. This chemo is called Fulvestrant. My physician thought it would be a good idea to try radiation to the tumor in the fifth vertebrae in the Lumbar region or L5 as it's referred to in reports. Radiation can stop the growth of the tumor as well as alleviate the pain. After meeting with a Radiation Oncologist a time is scheduled for a one time zap of radiation. Generally you don't mix radiation and chemo, but most radiation schedules are drawn out for several weeks giving the patient small doses. Because I'm currently doing chemo they are going give me a onetime, higher dose. The radiation made me so sick, worse than chemo. I already had a headache prior to the procedure but soon after I was done the headache progressed to a migraine and I began throwing up. The side effect lasted about a day and then I was fine. Thankfully this procedure was successful is reducing the pain.
Over the next several months up through December of 2009 the cancer would continue to spread causing yet another change in chemo, this one called Vinorelbine and additional radiation treatments to the thoracic spine, 5th right rib and T1-T6 vertebrae. In this treatment the radiation dose was reduced which meant I had one every day for two weeks excluding weekends, 10 in all, keeping the negative side effects at bay. I'm teaching an exercise class to a group of people from a local company at 7:00 am. Toward the end of their eight week session I start to feel a familiar and unsettling, nagging sensation in my left femur. There is no doubt in my mind that it is the cancer. Christmas is upon us and we've had such a bad year. I decide to keep the information to myself until after the holidays. Our family needs a break from all downbeat situations. Christmas is heartwarming this year. More attention is paid to our relationships and our love for one another than the anticipated excitement over the gifts we are giving and receiving. Mass is crowded with dressed up people enjoying the magic that this holiday is capable of bringing. Giving thanks is always on the top of my prayer list, praying for others, like my still grieving relatives is second, prayers for those less fortunate is third and last I pray for courage not only for me but for my family to continue to weather this storm of illness.
Advice:
Make friends in the oddest environments. Dick's stay at the rest home was awful, but the kindness we saw from his last roommate, looking out for him even though he didn't know him, showed us the goodness in humanity.
Don't have a year like I've had, but if you do, know that you can get through so much more than you think you can. Look through the negative of a situation to find the pieces of joy and even lessons in them. Yes, the loss of a loved one is horrific but the memories of the interaction of love and closeness we felt at the hospital and the funeral gave us a lifetime of uplifting memories and something good to hold onto.
Take time out to cherish something positive happening in the midst of turmoil. Katie's graduation and entrance to college enabled us to block out the terrible situation and feel only the good for a few precious moments.
Remember that dealing positively with the adversity of an illness takes practice, just like exercise, you are weak when you first start but soon find your body adapting to bigger challenges. Your mind works in the same way.
Take a moment to breathe slowly and deeply in and out through the nose ten times, at least three times a day. It will help your immune and nervous system.

Chapter 32, 2008, When it Rains it Pours

Chapter 32, 2008, when it rains it pours
The armor starts to crack in the O'Brien Wetzel household. The last half of Katie's junior year brings with it signs of a deep depression. Her feelings of hopelessness did not manifest themselves in sadness which is what you might think you'd see. Katie's came out in anger, irritability, and emotional withdrawal from people. She dealt with a loss of interest in everything and she had trouble sleeping. Many times when young adults deal with this type of internal turmoil they self medicate with alcohol or drugs, Katie was no exception. It's an unfortunate reality that teens feel the need to partake in unhealthy extracurricular partying activities some may do it for fun but others do it to masks emotions they have trouble figuring out or dealing with. Katie never got into trouble due to drinking because it was for the most part under our radar, but she did confess to doing it to escape her feelings.
I knew she had anger issues but so does her father so I figured she just came by it naturally, like she was genetically wired for it or that it was environmental. I didn't realize it was a symptom of depression. Her anger problem seemed to get worse as she got older. One incident in particular comes to my mind. Both Alex and Katie had a friend over after school. We all sat down for a bite to eat. After our meal I left for an hour or more to meet up with a client. While I was gone Katie started making cookies for an event at school. Alex's friend wanted to eat the cookie dough but Katie said, "No." Each time Katie turned her back Alex's friend would grab a bite of the dough, Katie would then reprimand her, as this behavior went back and forth it escalated to the point of Alex's friend grabbing a huge handful of the mix and tossing it at Katie with enough force to splatter all over the kitchen, and then she took the bowl and put it under the faucet filling it with water. After that, according to Alex," The fight was on," Katie took the girl down to ground with hair, hands, arms and fists flying. Alex and Cassidy, Katie's friend, were screaming at them to stop while pulling them apart. It ended with Alex's friend running out the door and not coming back.
Although this outburst from Katie was provoked, it also proved that there was some underlying tension going on with her. That situation would have made even the mildest person angry, but letting a set of circumstances explode into physical violence is never the answer. This type of aggression was not the norm for Kate, but she feels anger and irritation more than the average person. As time went on throughout the year she began to confide in Alex her feelings of hopelessness and despair which was then communicated to me. If a teen is depressed for an extended period of time you do not mess around, you get them help before they do something drastic.
We found a nice young woman who is a local psychologist in our community for Katie to talk to. Katie, not being much of a talker was hesitant to see her at first. We went in together. The therapist talked to me first to get my take on the situation. Then, she spoke to Katie alone and finally we both went in together. The tears were flowing. Even the therapist cried hearing Katie's story, my story and our family story.
Apparently Katie's plight was brought on by the initial news of my illness, that fateful day when I was driving home from my original diagnosis and called Mike to tell him. Katie and Frankie were standing in the kitchen when he answered the phone, seeing Mike's reaction along with Frankie's and everyone else's; put her into an emotional shut down. Her plate of armor went up that day, and all emotions other than anger were going to have a hard time getting in or out. As family and friends cried Katie ran upstairs a barricaded herself in her closet. This little girl who was all of twelve years old told herself that she was going to have to be the strong one, the one to take care of everyone else.
Katie continued to see her therapist who eventually put her on anti depressants, not necessarily for life, but to get her through this difficult time. After seeing the improvements in Katie's well being we decided to see Sarah, the therapist, as a family, Alex would come only when her school schedule allowed it. When it didn't, she felt she should be conferenced in. I don't understand why therapy has a stigma attached to it. I guess it's because people are embarrassed to admit needing emotional help for fear of negative repercussions. If there is something out there that will help you make it through the day I'm all for it, providing it's healthy and positive.
Frankie Graduates from the 8th Grade
This year brings with it another milestone for one of my girls; Frankie is graduating from middle school and moving onto high school at the end of the summer. Most junior highs don't have a graduation ceremony after the eighth grade. The Catholic schools are the only ones and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because most of these kids have gone through every grade from kindergarten through eighth grade together and now they will split off into their individual choices for high school.
The ceremony is held in the church in the evening giving the students the opportunity to dress up for the occasion. They all look so grown up making me think back to the first day I saw most of them shuffling into Mrs. Conlin's kindergarten class. Frankie on the other hand was crying and trying to sprint towards the door to leave with me.
We begin this special night with Mass. During the service there are eight students who are given the opportunity to get up and read a paper they've written about the years spent at St. Jude school and what it has meant to them. Frankie has the privilege of being one of those students. This is an opportunity she begged and campaigned for in part because her sister Alex was able to read her own paper and Frankie was inspired to do the same when her time came.
Some of Frankie's classmates felt that she was given this chance because she persisted in begging her teacher. Frankie can be tenacious, to say the least, when she wants something. She is not a kid that is terribly focused; her grades throughout her school career have been erratic in part because she is not organized and loses assignments or forgets to hand them in. She can be disruptive in class because she likes to make people laugh, some teachers love her some don't exactly appreciate her antics. I would not go out on a limb and say that she is your typical model student.
Her speech on the other hand was well written and well executed other than choking up when she got to the part where she talked about my illness. The moment was extremely emotional. I could barely look up while listening to her muffled sobs. Thankfully a classmate came to her rescue with a Kleenex and she was able to complete her delivery. It was a proud moment for me and Mike. Her skeptical classmates even praised her for a job well done. After graduation we progressed to the school for refreshments, casual, reminiscent conversation and pictures. Again I find myself full of gratitude for this precious time.
My Little Sister has Breast Cancer
Three days before the celebration of my 5th anniversary of life I find out that my younger sister Mary has breast cancer. Mary is the sister that lost her husband twelve years ago to lung cancer. This is a sad day. It is hard to believe that another family member has been struck with this rotten disease. Fortunately Mary's cancer was found early. The disease had progressed to stage one; there were no lymph nodes involved which enabled her to get a lumpectomy. Chemotherapy proved to be a difficult challenge for Mary as it does for everyone, but she got through it without too much trouble.
She was a real trouper in the wig department. According to everyone the wig she picked out looked really great on her. If she was at a family function and got tired of wearing it she'd simply take it off. One day she got her head a little too close to an open, hot oven singeing her bangs. The lesson learned here; keep your head away from a hot oven while wearing a wig, or don't cook. After her therapy treatments were complete she had 6 weeks of radiation taking place Monday Through Friday on a daily basis. When it was all done she, along with everyone in our family and hers, was relieved. Mary was ready to move on to a healthier stage of life.
My Five Year Anniversary
There are many reasons to celebrate today. It has now been five years since my two year prognosis, the drug company is still making the clinical trial drug just for me, I feel ok for about two and a half weeks in between chemo sessions and my sister Mary is doing well. The menu of KFC and beer remains the same for everyone who attends. Each year we add something new and different to the menu. We start the meal out giving thanks for my continued existence as well as Mary's health. The evening on the deck is beautiful with the warm sun cooling as we head into dusk. The flowers and trees smell sweet and fresh as we all relax into familiar conversation until the sun sets. The feeling from all of us is appreciation.
Frankie starts High School
Frankie's 9th grade year didn't turn out exactly as she would have liked. As a matter of fact she describes it as her fifth grade nightmare all over again, only worse. There were issues with boys, one boy in particular they dated for a nanosecond, but broke up just as the year was starting. Let's just say that Frankie has an extremely difficult time letting people go from her life, whether they are worth keeping or not. She pined over the kid for most of the year. If she's not ready to let a person go she will fight for them whether they want her to or not. I guess living with a sick mom in a precarious state of existence has manifested her feelings into separation issues. For example, still at the age of fourteen, before she leaves she has to kiss and hug me a thousand times. She is warm and overly affectionate, either touching, hugging or her personal favorite pinching grabbing or spanking people on the butt. This includes sisters, parents, girls, boys, she doesn't discriminate.
Entering a new school brings with it jockeying for a place to fit, kind of like musical chairs, either you have a place to sit or you're out of the game. Frankie found herself out of the loop on more than one occasion. My youngest daughter can be described as a conundrum. She can be hysterically funny, but takes it too far on occasion. In some aspects she has a high maturity level, but then she can act younger than her age. There is a boy in her study hall who rides her hard with verbal abuse. She finally told him that the only reason he was cruel to her was because he was so unhappy with his own life. This is an insightful and courageous reaction to bullying. On the other hand, another kid called her a name and her response to him was, "Oh Yea, well you look like a bat." Apparently he had little eyes and big ears.
Frankie has taught me about forgiveness. She is unable to hold a grudge, unlike her Irish mother. Even if a person has been awful to her, and believe me they have, she will eventually pardon their bad behavior because if she doesn't let it go she's miserable. She gets this wonderful trait from her father.
She's had trials and tribulations with girls. Frankie isn't your typical demure young lady, she has a temper, she's bold, loud, her laugh booms through a room. She is flirtatious with boys, this bothers other girls, she gets along with the opposite sex better than her own because she acts like a boy, she can be crude, and basically she'll do almost anything for a laugh, but most importantly she has a big warm heart. She doesn't care what people think of her. And, she loves to be the center of attention. If there is a picture being taken, Frankie will find a way to be up front and center. Whenever her two older sisters want a picture with just the two of them, we inevitably see Frankie in the finished product; like her face peeking through at their waist, perhaps we'll see her off in the background jumping giving the peace sign or making a funny face. It's like where is Waldo only with Frankie. This child is loveable and exasperating at the same time. Girls and boys either like her or they don't. There isn't much of a middle ground.
Academically Frankie is still struggling. She is not stupid; in fact her grades have gone from A's to F's her entire school career mainly because she'd fail to hand something in, or she would lose an assignment. On many occasions we would work on organizing her life to no avail. Within a month or so she'd be back to forgetting assignments. We were at a loss to help her. Frustrations would run high when it came to school work.
There were also issues with mess. Her locker looked like a bomb went off in it. The state of her room was utter chaos. Anywhere Frankie went there'd be a trail of minor destruction. She was at a friend's house changing for a swim party and left their bathroom in total disarray. I only know this because the mother told me. It is one thing to leave your own house a mess but entirely unacceptable to leave another person's home a disaster area.
A bright spot is that she tried out for volleyball and made the freshman team. She hasn't played this sport for a few years so she is excited just to be part of it. Frankie is a good athlete; she was a gymnast for ten years and did well at the sport. Gymnastics is an excellent base activity for many other sports. It helps with coordination and you gain mental and physical strength. Their team did ok as did Frankie. She'd have great plays coupled with "what was that?" plays, not unlike her academic career.
We are learning that Frankie has problems with focusing. There are few things that can hold her attention for extended periods of time. This coupled with social issues and impulsive behavior, like biting a male classmate in the finger because he kept putting it in her face, gets her into trouble either with peers, teachers or parents. When all of these things escalated to a fever pitch we sought help from our family psychologist, Sarah, to get her tested for an attention disorder. She ended up going on a low dose of medication to improve focus and another medication for anxiety. Within a short period of time her grades improved, she became more organized and her impetuous behavior improved a little.
Apparently I do drink
I'm sure Mike would agree that we don't have much of social life anymore, not that we ever did, but now it's worse with treatment schedules, etc. Basically I am not that fun of a person. When Mike and I first married we went out more. However, I'd be the first guest wanting to leave a party and if he had his way he'd be the last to leave. When the kids came along it was me getting up early in the morning after a night out and Mike would sleep until noon. Being hung over while caring for young children does not mix.
If we are lucky we go out four times a year. I plan it around my chemo schedule so I feel well enough to enjoy myself. There is one couple, Eric and Debbie, who invite us to their home for delicious meals. She is a Martha Stewart cook and I'm not, when we suggest going out it is at a restaurant. My friend Cindy makes fabulous Iranian food for special occasions, we may partake in their family functions every so often. My friend Sue and her husband Steve are definitely restaurant people, we may go out with them a few times a year as well. And on occasion we see Mike's friends from college, that's about the extent of our social life other than seeing and talking to other parents at the kid's sporting events.
One evening we went out for dinner with Sue and Steve to a nice restaurant with a beautiful view of the lake, it was a warm, fall evening, the food was good the conversation was fun and I felt almost normal. Perhaps this is why I drank more than usual. I've always been a cheap date, one to two glasses is generally my limit, because I can't handle more than that, but this particular evening I wasn't paying attention to how much I was drinking. When I stood up to leave I felt a little tipsy. We got in our cars and I leaned way out of the open car window waving farewell to Sue and Steve as they burst into laughter over my behavior. When we got home Katie was awake, I sat down on her bed and she said, "Oh my God you're drunk." I laughed so hard I fell off the bed and hurt my back. I guess that will teach me to imbibe too much. I must say, it was worth it.
The next day Katie had a volleyball tournament a few hours away. She told her whole team as well as the coach about my antics from the night before. Those Wetzel girls have big mouths; they must get it from their mother. My back hurt and I was hung over but I forgot about my pain when I started watching Katie in her game. I think it was the highlight of her high school career. That kid was all over the court that day passing the ball with skill. My pride for her masked my throbbing head and aching back. It was a great day! I loved every minute of it.

Dick goes into the hospital
I took my Father-in-law in for a hernia surgery today, a fairly simple surgery with a short hospital stay for most. Dick is 76 years old and in poor health. He is overweight with poor lung capacity. Walking from the car to the house leaves him feeling winded. This hernia is causing him a great deal of discomfort. Every time he moves he winces in pain. The thought of surgery makes him nervous but dealing with the soreness is too unbearable. We sit and chat until they call him in. Once he has changed and been prepped for surgery I leave for work and Mike comes in to wait until he is done.
The operation was not a success! The doctor said that once they opened him up they found the intestine was being strangulated and it was more of a challenge than originally thought to repair the hernia. Because of Dick's lung issues, they had to vent him to get the job done. He was taken to the ICU after surgery. The physician explained that they would have to leave him on the vent until he could breathe on his own. The vent is a machine attached to a large tube which carries oxygen through it. The tube is run through his mouth down his throat to bring oxygen to the lungs and the rest of the vital organs. He was given a strong medication to keep him sedated so he wouldn't pull the tube out of his mouth. The discomfort would be unbearable if he were awake. They explained that they would slowly try to wean him off the machine until he could breathe on his own. We could talk to him but of course there was no response. The Surgeon did not give us much hope. In his mind there was a very small chance that Dick would ever be strong enough to get off this breathing machine. We were all in shock. How could he go in for this minor surgery and die from it? Dick's regular physician came in the next morning and gave us more hope, but the situation was grave.
Mike's only sibling Bob was called; he lives in Oklahoma, to see his father just in case something tragic happens. Dick is single and doesn't have much family left other than a cousin so there weren't many people to call. Bob stayed for several days but had to get back to work and his life. His Dad opened his eyes a few times but we weren't sure if he could understand anything we were saying. Alex came home from college with her boyfriend Stephen when she could, but she was a few hours away and busy with school. Mike and I took turns sitting with him even though he wasn't aware. Between the two of us we were at the hospital two to four times a day. After a month we were both feeling exhausted and stressed. We didn't take much time off of work or school. It became challenging just to keep up with hospital visits along with everyday activities. His hospital stay was during the holidays this coupled with my chemo schedule brought the stress level to an all time high.
All of this proved to be too much for me and my medical timetable. Dr. Bud, upon my request, took me off the Neulasta, the immune enhancing shot administered every three weeks after chemo. The negative side effects of the Neulasta kept my chemo on schedule by bringing my white blood counts up to a point where I could handle the therapy but it also made me very sick. Additionally Dr. Bud changed my chemo calendar to every four weeks instead of every three which gives me a little more time in between therapies to feel good. Right now this is what I need.
After three weeks in the ICU a tracheotomy was performed on Dick. This way he could have the tube run through a hole in his neck rather than his mouth. The sedation medication went to a lower dose but he still could not talk. He opened his eyes here and there but there was no major communication. After five weeks Dick was moved to a step down facility which was further away. This would be where we would spend our Christmas. The girls had a difficult time seeing their grandfather in this condition, especially Frankie. She is deathly afraid of hospitals, too many bad memories of me being in one. They didn't like visiting, but they went because they loved their Grandpa. Neither did I, but I didn't want him left alone. Because this facility was less convenient in regard to distance, Mike and I would take turns going out for visits. I would go in the morning and Mike would go at night. On the weekends we would go together and bring the girls. At this facility they tried weaning him off the vent more vigorously. There were times he could talk, but it took a great deal of energy to do so. He had some real moments of clarity there especially at Christmas time, but they didn't last and he would be put back on the vent.
He was able to complain. He said the nurses paid him no attention until we were there, it was only then that they acted like they cared or came to see what he wanted. Every patient in this place was on a vent. If they were not being cared for properly no one would know because most of them couldn't talk. I witnessed an orderly changing a frail old woman's bed and he was moving the poor thing around like a rag doll. I did complain about that to the nursing staff.
It takes a special person to be good at this type of job. The patients constantly lose their bowels in the beds because they are immobile. Just a few days of that type of work would send most people running away. It was extremely difficult to see Mike's Dad spend his days in this condition. On the drive home I'd call my mom and dad to talk or tell them Dick's health news and one day my own father said, "If I end up like that I hope one of my children has the god damn sense to blow my head off. After seeing Dick day in and day out languishing away like that I have to agree with my dad. I wouldn't want my head blown off, but I wouldn't want to spend my last days like that either.
Christmas 2008 has come and gone. Dick seems no better. One nurse, in confidence, suggested we take him off the vent. He'd seen enough of these cases to know that Dick would never be free of this machine. The Doctors are not concurring with the nurse's opinion. Time will tell, for now there is still a small glimmer of hope and Mike wants to wait and see what happens. Mike and Bob will make this decision together sometime in the near future.
Advice
A negative situation can be a motivating factor to stay on this earth a little longer. When I see my kids in trouble I want to stick around to see them come out of it with flying colors.
When life and problems get to be too overwhelming sit back and think of what is best for you. Stress can put you in harm's way. Consider yourself. Do what is best for you.
Continue to focus on the good in life especially when the sky seems to be falling.
Sometimes you just have to get drunk, or do something that brings you to a happier time in life! I don't recommend it on a steady basis, but every once in a while it's good therapy.

Chapter 31, 2007 Most Significant Moments

Chapter 31, 2007 Most Significant Moments
Alex Graduates
My first child is graduating high school. This is an emotional time for any parent, but for me there is so much more meaning attached to the occasion just because I am here to witness it when no one, including myself, was sure I would be. Elyria Catholic is a small school. Alex's graduating class consists of 140 students or less, a nice size for a graduation ceremony in terms of the time it takes to hand out all the diplomas. Our out of town visitors are my parents from Minnesota and Alex's Godmother Jeanne from Chicago. They, along with me, Mike, Katie, Frankie, Mike's parents, Mike's Mom's friend Chuck all attend the Commencement.
One of the nicest segments of their ceremony comes at the end where each student is given a previous opportunity to tape their favorite quote, saying, or to just say hello and thank you to their parents or teachers for all they've done for them. Some of the recordings were funny while others were tearful and meaningful. Alex's quote dealt with the people you meet in your life; some of them are meant to help you, or to hurt you, or lift you up bringing you to exactly the place you are supposed to be in your life. At the end she thanked me for inspiring her. This was an emotional, overpowering moment for me because of the circumstances of my health, one that I'll never forget.
The day before the graduation we had Alex's graduation party. My Mom, Mike's Mom. Jeanne, my friend Cindy and I all worked hard preparing the food for the celebration. As usual our party guests consisted of neighbors, friends, relatives, in addition to many of Alex's classmates. It started at two and lasted until 11:00. We were exhausted by the end of the day, but Jeanne, and our Mother's stayed and cleaned until every last dish was washed. I was happy to have the party behind us so we could enjoy the rest of the summer attending other graduation parties.
The Fourth Anniversary of my Terminal Diagnosis
June 21, 2007, I've now lived two years longer than originally predicted. Our yearly celebration has become almost common place. We still celebrate and cherish the moment but you can tell that no one is as worried as we were originally. The only time I struggle is the three week interval after each chemo session for 4 to 5 days following the therapy, the first day being the worst followed by improvements everyday up through the 5th day. While I'm in the middle of the negative side effects I can't say that this journey is easy. These are the times I ask myself, "How much longer can I do this?" But then I feel better for a few weeks which gives me the mental courage and strength to push on.
The clinical trial that I am on is going to be closing. It hasn't had the success the drug company hoped for. This was a worldwide level II study done in several countries with a few hundred or more people and I am the only one that the drug has worked for. They are going to make the medicine just for me. Isn't that great? Not just that they are making the drug just for me, but that I'm the last one standing, so to speak. This gets me to thinking, why me? Is it just that I'm genetically disposed for this particular drug to work on my body? That is what many, perhaps most, physicians would say, but in my mind, I wonder if the actions I have taken are contributing to my prolonged existence.
Is it that I have a great desire to live because my kids were so young when I was diagnosed? Or, that my attitude is positive with the fact that I do have some control over how long I can last, or how long I can put up with all of this, because that is a big piece of the puzzle. Perhaps it has to do with the change in my eating habits, gearing them toward healthy choices; including fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates and lean proteins. I don't drink heavily, do drugs or smoke cigarettes, this is an obvious plus. I would argue that participating in Yoga has helped me learn to breathe deeply and relax, therefore bringing additional oxygen into my body to help the healing process. Practicing meditation has proved helpful in giving me mental strength by visualizing the uplifting outcomes I want for my body. And the power of prayer gives me confidence in less secure, dark moments. Last, but not least, I do not discount the medicine; if I did I wouldn't be doing it.
I don't claim to know exactly why I'm still here while others have passed. Their will to live may have been just as strong as mine and perhaps they made many of the same types of changes to no avail. I'm not an expert. The feeling in my heart pushes me toward the path that I am currently on. I continue to pray for guidance in traveling down the right road for my health.
The Death of one of my best friends
Della Garcia was a good friend from the time that I met her in 1985 until her death in 2007. If you recall from an earlier chapter Della was Mike's client and friend first, but soon after we met she became my friend, client and confidant.
She was an Administrative Assistant and jack of all trades to the founder and CEO of Information Resources, Inc. in Chicago, Illinois, a company she started working for in the late 70's when they had just seven people. By the 80's this little company employed hundreds of workers and went public. Della's job also included purchasing office furniture to the tune of millions of dollars. She not only held this full time position which she worked tirelessly at, but took care of the CEO's properties in Chicago, Florida and Aspen, arranging for them to be cleaned, stocked with food for incoming visitors and taking care of needed repairs, etc., all of this for a hefty salary, and stock options. This woman was an absolute perfectionist and there weren’t many that could hold a candle to her. She wasn't the most popular person because she demanded flawlessness from everyone she dealt with including Mike and me but Mike's a perfectionist and I'm a pleaser so we all worked well together.
I forgot to add that In addition to her work, she lived at home, still single at 40 and took her mother to dialysis three times a week at some ungodly early hour of the morning. I don't know how she did it. All of my friends seem to be hard working, nose to the grindstone, overachievers. The way I pick a friend or a mate, I might add, is first by admiration. I see something in them that perhaps I don't see in myself, a quality that I'd like to have and then we just seem to balance one another out because I'm usually good at things that they are not. This practice seems to work in a marriage or a friendship.
After the company Della worked for went public and she suffered the loss of her mother she began to change her life and her priorities. The founder of the company left his position to become a board member and she gained a new boss, one that she did not care for as much. The love she had for the job eventually faded and she decided to quit. She wanted to do something that brought her more meaning. She found herself accepting a position at the Salvation Army in disaster relief, for a fraction of her previous salary. True to form she worked diligently at the new job putting in just as many hours or more. There are not many people that would give up the lavish lifestyle she enjoyed to help others. If this woman wasn't already on a pedestal she was now. She also, as she put it, finally found love in this late stage of life. He was an officer in the Army. They worked side by side for a few years before they fell in love and married.
Della started losing weight and was constantly racked with thirst. After many tests she was told she had Diabetes. Within a few years she herself had to go on dialysis. Her health continued to deteriorate. After experiencing persistent abdominal pain it was discovered that she had a stage four cancer in her intestines, a large mass which they were able to remove but she needed a colostomy. Once that surgery was complete she had nothing but problems. The colostomy bag backed up to the point that she was full of feces, as she said, they had to steam clean her out and leave her open and exposed to heal. After all that she still had a sense of humor.
They had to wait so long to do chemo that it became futile. We talked often from the time she was diagnosed up to her death, which was just nine months. I was upbeat with my support during our discussions always encouraging her to hold on, but I think she was just tuckered out and tired of fighting a body riddled with disease. My heart was broken upon her death, the only comfort I felt was that she was finally at peace and could rest because she rarely did that when she was alive.
Her funeral was small. There was her husband of ten years, her family of course, two brothers with their families, one sister with her husband and Della's father. Many people were there from the Salvation Army including some of the people she helped get off the streets into jobs or treatment programs. My friend Jeanne accompanied me, Mike and the girls along with Mike and Della's friend Dirk, a previous coworker and short time love interest of Della's. The homeless people she helped got up and spoke about how she changed their lives for the better. I wanted to come forward and speak about what she meant to me but I was too distraught.
Reconnecting with old friends
While we were in Chicago for the memorial service I felt it was important to reconnect with an old friend. For me, funerals cause reflection on the past and the people of significance that have come in and out of my life. Because I was dealing with my own mortality, I wanted to reconnect with a particular friend I hadn't seen in a few years. This friend's name is Annette. We met when I was running a small office sharing company on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. We rented individual offices out to small business owners or start up territory offices while providing them with secretaries and receptionists.
Annette was an entrepreneur who needed space for her company. We connected immediately. She is an industrious, energetic, tiny little woman with bright eyes, a big smile and an entertaining laugh. Most small business owners come with a type "A" personality and she was no different. They are efficient, they want things done a certain way, they are accomplished, and they are gutsy enough to go out and start their own business. Most of my clients were entrepreneurs and because of these traits could be a challenge to work with and for. I believe it's because they have everything on the line in terms of financial obligations. Annette, however, was a delight. She demanded a great deal from herself but she was respectful and considerate of others. We got along famously. Our offices were right across the hall from one another so we had the opportunity to get to know each other well.
A perfect, hilarious story to describe why I love Annette is as follows; It was a sunny Chicago morning, she was walking down the street in her, as she puts it, typical type "A" walk, fast and efficient, head held high with shoulders back when a guy approached her from behind, tapping her shoulder, saying, "Ma'am", she thought he wanted money or a conversation which she didn't have time for so she politely smiled, nodded, sped up her gate and continued on. The gentleman was persistent in getting her attention. She finally in a politically correct, yet curt way, asked, "What?" He said, "I'm sorry but your dress is stuck in your panty hose with a tail of toilet paper hanging down to the ground." She gasped in horror, pulled out her dress, threw the toilet paper down, thanked the man and practically sprinted down the busy Michigan Avenue.
We were fortunate enough to sit down and have lunch with one another, going over old stories from our past and thoughts of the future. Mike and the girls joined us for the light conversation and laughter. The smiles and warmth I experienced during our meal were a stark contrast to the funeral from the day before. Each experience, however, was equally important.
Alex Goes to College
I imagine it is a tearful emotional time when anyone of your kids leaves for college, but when it's your oldest child you have the additional experience of the "first time" so you don't know what emotions to expect. It is late September 2007 and we are packing up to take Alex to Ohio State. She has been chomping at the bit to get out of this town because most of her counterparts have already left for the schools of their choice. Alex and her Father have been purchasing dorm room accessories all summer to prepare her for this moment.
The car is packed in typical Mike Wetzel fashion, perfectly organized with every single item in the right place. Once the car is packed, the rest of us pile into the car for the two hour trip. Most kids will be arriving at school on Sunday, but Mike pays an additional nominal fee so Alex can move in on Saturday to beat the rush. We arrive to a hustle bustle of other parents and kids beating the rush as well, unloading cars, waiting for moving bins, riding up and down in slow moving elevators until every last bit of her belongings are in her 11th floor room.
Alex's roommate Chelsea is also already in the room unpacking with her parents putting away clothes, making beds, installing computer equipment and so on. There is little room for all of us to navigate, but after we introduce ourselves we make do with the room until every last item is unpacked and stored away in the right place. Inevitably, we have forgotten a few small items here and there so we jump in the car and head for Target. This place is a zoo populated with the rest of the college world and their parents doing the same thing. I can just hear the simulated totaling of cash registers as the monies spent just keep racking up. Yes, that's me, always thinking about the almighty dollar.
Back at the dorm Mike works his computer and printer magic, swearing and cussing under his breath because the "mother fuckers" as he so eloquently puts it, are not working. Much time is spent on this project until we are exhausted by the work and the late hour. I am especially tired and sick because I had chemo the day before, but I try to rally and stay focused because this is such a monumental time in all of our lives. The labor is done! It is time for us to leave Alex behind and go home. Leave this girl who at three would not let go of my neck, kicking and screaming on her first day at pre-school, or at five, pulling on my arms begging me not to make her stay on her first day of kindergarten. It is almost a good thing that I feel so physically ill, because it is overpowering the emotional pain of letting her go.
The drive home is silent either with reminiscing thoughts or with sleep. The realization of Alex not being around brings a few silent tears to my eyes. On one hand there is a feeling of happiness to see my first born venturing off to this new chapter in her life, but on the other hand, I know I'll miss seeing her around the house, working out, sitting on the couch, watching her study and sharing an early morning or late night conversation.
Advice
Cherish a sad moment as well as a happy one; it's all about you being there in the moment
Reach out to others in need of your help. You never know who you are going to help motivate, or be motivated for that matter
Keep your eyes on the prize, a graduation, seeing your children leave the nest or the simple possibility of seeing another day
Believe in your own choices and put all your strength and courage toward them
See an old friend, especially one that has brought you enjoyment

Chapter 30, 2006 Highlights

Chapter 30, some of the many reasons to keep on pushing on -Highlights 2006
Time just keeps passing by and I'm still here for the ride! Mike continues to be hard working focusing on whatever needs to be done. The kids are growing up and I'm happy to be here for every significant event such as; teaching them how to drive, watching them with their first "serious" boyfriend, or regrettably witnessing their first break up, or even picking out dresses for junior high and high school dances, and unfortunately finding out about their first drink.
Driving
Alex was sure to be at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles the second she could to get her drivers Learning Permit. We arrived at the BMV directly following school but were unable to get the permit. Apparently, to get your permit you need your original birth certificate and not the copy which is what we had. This created a meltdown of epic proportions since it would take a few days to get the original and she wanted that license the very day she turned 16. Who knew this young woman could be so determined, another indication that she is a lot like her father.
A few days later the birth certificate arrived and Alex was in the business of practice driving with me as the passenger. What do you get when you mix fear along with determination, Alex Wetzel driving down the road. The weather was wet with rain and it was dark for her first driving experience. As she approached a descending, winding hill in our town she failed to let up on the gas until I asked her to. When we got to the bottom we weren't moving, in an excited voice I told her to give it some gas but she started screaming, she couldn't find the pedal. Alas, it was down there, she found it and we were on our way back up the other side of the hill. Whew!
Aside from a few mishaps with my car like scraping the side of the garage or grazing the car against a small scenic one lane bridge in our town, she did ok driving. After Alex completed 50 practice hours of road time and she turned 16 she was ready to take her in car driving test. In most cases, if someone is going to flunk the test, they flunk the maneuverability portion of the exam, but not Alex, she passed the maneuverability with absolutely no problem but flunked the street test because she was too cautious on the road. Devastated by her failure, she was back again as soon as possible to pass with flying colors. That's Alex, a strong minded goal orientated closer.
Katie's driving experience was much different. If you've not already discovered through my writing she has the qualities of a barely 5' person, large in personality and in charge, she comes across as a strong independent young woman unafraid of anything, or anyone, which is actually just a facade, but that's how she appears to the unsuspecting. Katie waited about three months longer than she needed to get her Driver's permit. Was it because she didn't care to drive? Hard to believe from this independent girl, or was she afraid to get behind the wheel. She'll never tell. This girl keeps everything so tight to her vest. Katie finally got her license on the first try and became crazy lady driver of the century! A friend of mine phoned me one day to say that Katie was airborne while crossing Gulf Road at 57, an intersection by her school which she inevitably was going to be late for.
Katie, again running late for school, ripped off the side view mirror while pulling out of the driveway on a plastic garbage can. I contend she had to be backing out at Mario Andretti speed to accomplish that. "No Mom, I wasn't going that fast!" She also got slightly t-boned while taking a left onto our street, but she wasn't texting while driving. "I swear Mom, I wasn't texting, that car just came out of nowhere." Thank God we have a few years before Frankie hits the driving age.
Dances
Shopping for school dance dresses seems like an occasion for a mother and a daughter to bond, you know share the day with one another, go out for lunch, buy new shoes and just get giddy over how much fun they are going to have at the dance. This has not exactly been my experience or my daughter's. Mike really should be the one taking them out to purchase dresses because he is willing to shell out a little extra for just the right item or items. The girls wouldn't fight as much with him!
If I'm your Mom, there are so many areas for possible arguments when shopping for dance dresses. First we have the price of the dress. I've discussed my frugal ways and the kid's annoyance with it. They always want something more expensive than I am willing to pay. Remember, this is an item that is probably going to get just one wearing. Then we consider style. It can't be too low, tight or short. A lot of time is spent on this negotiable area. When we've found just the right dress, we purchase it and move on to the shoe argument. "Can't you wear a pair of shoes from home?" I ask. Sometimes that works and other times we have to buy the shoes, again with the cheapness, I'm all over it. We get the least expensive most acceptable pair of shoes. Jewelry? Who needs to accessorize? One more area I don't have a lot of practice in. I constantly wear the same trinkets; no accessory awards for me.
On occasion, the girls have been able to wear dresses or shoes handed down by their sisters, but because they are not the same size it doesn't happen often. Katie, bless her heart, rigged a pair of Alex's old shoes by using hair ties on the straps to fit her better, a kid after my own heart. Too bad that didn't last long. Her standards have risen and she insists on things that fit properly now. Arguments or not, it is still a joy to be here to partake in the rituals of family life.
Boyfriends
Alex was in the 11th grade before she had her first serious boyfriend. In the 9th grade she thought there was something wrong with her because every time a boy started to like her and possibly want kiss her, she would get a tight feeling in her chest and not be able to go through with the kiss or having a boyfriend. I asked, "Do you like boys?" "Yes Mom, I'm not a lesbian!" was her response. I answered her by saying, "When it's the right time and the right person you won't feel those negative feelings, it will just feel right."
A few years later Alex was obviously ready for a boyfriend. He was over for a visit and Frankie was sent by her Father to tell them it was time for the guy to go home, much to Frankie's shock, they were making out, without disturbing Alex, Frankie ran to express her concern to Mike. The next day she voiced the same concern to me. "I thought Alex was a good girl," was how she started the conversation. Feeling shock, I asked why she would say that, after hearing about the make out session I asked, "Did they have clothes on?" "That's the same thing Dad asked me," she said," and yuck, yes they had clothes on." After sigh of relief, I explained to Frankie that it was normal to kiss your boyfriend, with your clothes on of course, and she wasn't being bad, it's normal to kiss the person you are dating.
I wouldn't say that Katie had a serious boyfriend, but she sincerely cared for someone who found his way into another girl's arms; this devastated her enough to never want to get too terribly involved with any boy. She is however only in the tenth grade her feelings are sure to change. Frankie is still at the age where you go out with a boy but you don't go anywhere. I can wait a few years to see her get involved with the opposite sex.
Drinking
Alex and I were driving home from an appointment when I expressed my pride in the decisions she has made thus far in her young life. She works hard at school, she has a job two days a week she dances three to four days a week and she has not gotten involved in teenage drinking. Silence filled the air for a few long minutes until she blurts out with tears. "I have gotten drunk!" "It was a few weeks after Junior Ring, it was the first time and I puked my guts out. I swear I have not done it since." Sigh! I love a good confession. Alex always knows the right time to come clean about everything. I didn't yell at her, just listened, and thanked her for being honest with me. Adding on that it was a really good thing that she puked her guts out! Puking is a great consequence for drinking too much! Hopefully she learned her lesson
The second kid's life experiences seem to happen at an earlier age than the first, except for maybe driving. Katie experimented with drinking in the tenth grade. I didn't find out about this incident until well after the fact. Mum's the word on how I found out. I have my ways. Apparently, Alex and her friends took care of Katie during her stupor, cleaned her up, again, puking was involved, and put her to bed. Teenage drinking is not something I promote. I did it, many kids do, but there is such a rite of passage about it and it seems all too often to get out of control. If my children, at the appropriate age, drank like me, socially, never out of control, I wouldn't mind, but that isn't the case with kids. This is another area of experience that Frankie is too young for. Let's hope it stays that way for several years.
Anniversaries
We celebrated the third anniversary of my terminal diagnosis with our traditional KFC, beer and additional food accessories. My friend Cindy brought her husband Bruce this year, an outgoing funny guy who can liven up any party by his amusing personality. He kept us laughing while relaying the story of his first meeting with Cindy. After seeing her voluptuous behind and pretty face he knew she would be his bride someday, he simulated her sexy walk for us which made us all smile. As we laugh and talk we also acknowledge that I've lasted a year longer than my original prognosis. We take the time to give thanks for that and enjoy the evening with one another. We also celebrated the 1 year anniversary of my time on the clinical trial drug which continues to keep the cancer at bay. This year also marks the 20th wedding anniversary for Mike and me. There are so many experiences to be grateful for.
My 50th Birthday
In March of this year I was fortunate enough to celebrate my 50th birthday. The following summer my family decided to throw a combination party celebrating my 50th birthday, my Dad's 80th birthday, Alex's 17th birthday Frankie's 12th birthday our 20th anniversary and a family reunion all at the same time. This was all a surprise to me. I should have had a clue when my out of town family members started arriving saying they just wanted to surprise me with a visit. I expected my parents but soon my sister Angie and her family appeared just as a surprise and then my sister Paddy and her daughter Samantha arrived from California. People just kept appearing. On the day of the party Angie and Paddy took me and my Mother out to get a massage, manicure and pedicure while the other's prepared for the party. Upon arriving home and turning down my street I saw our driveway full of people and a catering truck. I wanted to turn around and peel out of there. Being the center of attention is not the most comfortable position for me. Accepting the kindness of others humbles me to my core. As I got out of the car I said, "I am still going to be here next year!"
There were so many people there from the kids' friends to our neighbors and coworkers, school friends and best friends from in and out of town. Many of my siblings and their families, Mike's brother Bob, his wife Mae, their kids and grandchild all the way from Oklahoma, my brother Shane, his wife Amy and their three kids from Arkansas. Mike's Aunts from Pennsylvania, my sister Kim her husband Joe and my niece Kelsey as well as Sister's Maureen, her family was unable to make it, accompanied by my oldest sister Kerry with her newly adopted daughter Rubina. My sister Mary and her husband Pete along with their son Jack made it out for the celebration as well.
Even though I was uncomfortable, the party was a huge success. The food was good, the weather was beautiful and there just seemed to be joy in the air for me. I am a fortunate woman to have so many nice people show up for me. This was an uplifting moment that would carry me mentally for awhile.
Advice
Treasure negotiating the essentials when buying a dance dress for your daughter; try not to cave on your values even if you're not feeling well. Make the day special.
Have empathy for your kids experiences like learning how to drive. Don't be scared even if you don't have a brake pedal on the passenger side.
Handle your kid's negative situations with care, especially if they make a confession to you. Their acknowledgement of a harmful behavior is a huge step. Let them know they can always come to you without fear.
Enjoy a wonderful party whether for you or someone else. Cherish the personalities you see there and the moments you have with them.
Continue to celebrate all the anniversaries in your life.