Chapter 33, When it pours it Thunders, 2009

Chapter 33, 2009, when it pours it Thunders
Dick passes away
Dick has not gotten any better which prompts the medical facility to move him to a long term care for patients on a vent. There are three rest home type places to choose from. The nearest is 30 to 40 minutes away. The furthest is an hour and a half and there is one in between those two. After looking into all of these we chose the home with the best reputation in successfully removing patients from the vent. The institution, however, would not accept Dick because, according to previous reports from the hospital, he wasn't motivated enough to get off the machine. We then chose the closest one enabling us to make daily visits.
The month is now February of 2009. Dick has been moved to the new establishment and placed in a room with a gentleman that is worse off than him, if that's possible. By day he gets more and more depressed. All he wants are pain meds and sleep. The respiratory therapist comes in once a day to encourage Dick to engage in conversation. This involves exchanging a piece of plastic from the tracheotomy cuff which enables him to make sound. There are days he is interested in engaging in conversation and others he is despondent and won't try. He is at least able to say how much he dislikes this place and wants to move back to the previous hospital, which he complained about whenever he had his talking piece in. Unfortunately, Dick does not understand that this is not possible, the hospital steps you down to a lower care facility because you still need constant medical attention, but it is no longer urgent.
The staff thinks moving Dick to another room may help his mood. His new space has more light and you can see trees out the window. This is a positive change. He was alone for a few days but soon gained a roommate. This gentleman is at least 15 years younger and although in bad shape seems to improve rapidly. Within a month the roommate, Steve, was talking and telling his story. He too went in for a minor surgery but ended up being vented because of complications with him physically, he was a grossly overweight smoker with poor lung capacity. On many occasions we would end up talking to Steve because Dick was unresponsive and Steve, unfortunately, rarely had visitors. Now that we had created a bond with Steve he became Dick's advocate for care when we couldn't be there. Upon entering the room we'd hear reports of what the staff did or did not do that day. The worst news being that they left him lying in his own feces for at least 6 hours, or that Dick had to be restrained because he had pulled his breathing tube out of the tracheotomy collar and they were slow in responding to put it back in. Heads did roll on the bad news days. Mike stormed into the manager's office for answers to this lack of care. After that, attention to his case would improve, but Dick would not.
The worst times for me are the Fridays I have chemo. I'm sick and tired after a day of treatment, but because Mike comes to my appointments and we have not been to visit Dick all day, we stop on the way home from the clinic. This is when I subconsciously let the thoughts of my own mortality creep in. I'd face the thoughts of fear about my own death. I'd let everything get to me on these days from feeling depressed by watching someone you love withering away in an awful environment to heightened awareness of the slight yet almost constant stench of human waste from incontinent patients. My imaginary blinders would go up as I walked past all the other rooms of vented patients, some who had been there for years. These were the days I'd say to Mike, "If I'm ever in a position like this, I want the plug pulled immediately, do not let me linger." After the side effects of chemo would wear off my positive attitude would return.
By March 2009, Dick's health continues to deteriorate. Mike realizes that his dad isn't going to get better. His brother Bob comes from Oklahoma to see his father and to discuss with Mike plans for removing him from the machine. Dick has a living will asking not to be kept alive through artificial means if there is no hope for what he would call a normal life without the machine. There is also a do not resuscitate order, meaning if he stops breathing don't make any heroic efforts to bring him back. Mike, along with his brother Bob make the decision to take their father off the machine. We turn to a very dear friend named Joanie, who manages a hospice, for guidance. We've known and been friends with Joanie and her family for years. Her son Greg went through school with Alex and her daughter Megan played volleyball and attended school with Katie. Their oldest daughter Mandy was always a spectator at the sporting events along with their dad Greg so we got to know the entire family well. Joanie is a kind and compassionate person dedicating her life to helping others. She is also a take charge, do it right, task master. I knew if anyone could help us it would be her. I value and trust her opinion.
We, along with the hospice team, and the Doctor have discussions regarding the process of taking a patient off a ventilator. Joanie and Dick's caseworker Lynne sit down with us to explain what will happen once the machine is turned off. Medications such as morphine are administered for comfort so the patient doesn't feel pain or fear from not being able to breathe. If Dick were to live for any extended period of time he would be taken to their hospice facility. All of the professionals indicate that once he is taken off the machine he won't last more than a few hours. Mike and Bob decide to take Dick off life support on April 1st at 10:00 am.
On Sunday March 29th I start to feel very ill, and have a fever of 102 which prompts us to go to the emergency room. There is an infection somewhere in my body which is causing the fever and my white blood counts are not high enough to fight the infection so I am hospitalized. My stay lasts over five days which means I can't be with Mike when he removes his father from life support. Mike's brother Bob and wife Mae are playing a waiting game since their family leave or vacation time is limited. They can't be here when he is removed from the machine because no one knows how long he will last and they want to be present for the funeral. Bob said his goodbyes to his dad on his last visit.
The first is on a Wednesday so Alex came home on the weekend to say goodbye to her grandpa and Frankie doesn't feel she is emotionally strong enough to see Dick removed from the machine so she also said good bye a few days before the event. Katie, along with Mike, the nurse from the facility and Lynne from hospice are all in attendance for the removal.
Once Dick is taken off the vent everyone just waits, the nurse checks on him intermittently while Mike and Katie take turns holding Dick's hand, shedding a tear or just waiting and watching. Within a few hours Dick had passed. Mike called us one at a time with the news. I ask him how he is and he replies "I'm ok, sad, but ok." then I breakdown in quiet tears hiding my emotions from the hospital staff occasional milling in and out of my room. Katie left to go back to class to tell Frankie and get her out of school. While driving home she called her sister Alex at college to talk, during all of this Katie was stopped by the highway patrol for speeding. She quietly took the ticket without explaining the emotional trauma she had just been through with her Grandpa. When she got back to school she went to Frankie's History class to give her the news and take her home. They then both cried in each others' arms. That day the girls and Mike came down to the hospital so we could be together and comfort one another. Alex was just a phone call away which made it easy to include her.
The next day I was released from the hospital. The trial drug was not working for me any longer because my cancer had spread not only to the bones in the lumbar area but the thoracic region. After a four year long stint I was taken off the drug. At a later date we would discuss the doctor's next plan of attack. We were too busy thinking about the service and everything that had to be done with that. Mike had taken some time off work to plan his Dad's funeral. The viewing was on Friday and the Funeral was held Saturday followed by the burial.
Dick was a career man in the Air Force. His funeral and viewing were held at the same establishment. Many of our friends, family and neighbors are in attendance. The Donahue's, who live next door or Frankie's other family as we refer to them, are there like they have been at every other function we've had over the years from graduations to birthdays. Their presence means a lot as does the attendance of many of the friends and family I've spoken of throughout this journal.
The burial was at a military cemetery several miles away. It was an awful early April day with cold blowing wind and rain mixed with snow. We, just family and two of Dick's friends, sat outside under a covering for the short burial service which ended with a 21 gun salute. He would have liked the pomp and circumstance. I felt sad that he was gone but happy that his spirit was free from his ailing body, the rest home and the machine that was keeping him alive. Now he could soar with the wind and be happy again. Rest in Peace Dick.
Alex's friend loses her mother to Breast Cancer
A few days after Dick's funeral Alex's close friend Erica from college lost her mother to Breast Cancer. Her Mom was younger than me and this was her second bout with cancer. She fell victim to cancer at a very early age, but because of her awful ordeal with chemo the first time around she decided to forgo those types of treatments. She survived about a half year after her diagnosis. Erica and I exchanged emails on occasion In regard to her mother's condition as well as Erica's feeling about what was going on with her Mom. Being there for her through emails was important to me. It broke my heart not only for her, but thinking that my girls may be going through the same situation one day, if that happens I hope someone's mom is there for them. Erica is a special talented young woman who flourishes at college sports and academics. Her mother would be so proud of the way this young woman has handled everything after her loss.


I start a new chemo
April 2009 Dr. Bud puts me on a new chemo called Exemestane. The usual suspects appear as side effects, nausea, hair loss and fatigue. I continue to work and workout. My Yoga schedule has increased at the college. I'm now teaching three one credit hour classes giving me six classes a week. During my stay in the hospital a sub fills in for me. Being back at work is a Godsend! The Yoga feels like medicine to my mind helping me maintain a positive, uplifted attitude but at the same time strengthening me physically. While talking the students through the relaxation portion of the class I also try to visualize positive healthy energy flowing through my body to heal me. Yogis believe that the breath and how we breathe is the key to health. Deep abdominal breathing through the nose is one of the many necessary components for good health. Studies have shown that lack of oxygen is a factor in the cause of heart disease, stroke and cancer. Take a moment and breathe deep for your health.

My brother Brian is rushed to the emergency room
It was early May, Mother's Day weekend and my brother Brian who lives in Arvada, Colorado spends the day playing golf as he always does most weekends. He came home and got busy grilling tuna steaks for a cookout that evening. After dinner and some relaxation Brian began having a severe stomach ache. Brian, not being one to go to the doctor, or, God forbid an emergency room, waited until the pain became so severe there was no other choice but to go in.
Once admitted they ran tests and found the cause to be E coli. They decided to do surgery and search his entire digestive tract to look for tears or holes but found nothing. His body then went into septic shock. This is a life threatening condition generally stemming from leaking fluid but again they couldn't find any ruptures which just added to the mystery because this type of outcome is most often the result of blunt force trauma or a surgical mishap. He was then vented and put in a drug induced coma. Rhonda, his wife was now in shock, just a few hours earlier Brian played 18 holes and made a lovely dinner for the two of them. She phoned Brian's grown children, Heather, Joseph and Ryan as well as my parents. The kids came to the hospital for support trying also to make sense of what was going on. Mom and Dad in their late 70's and early eighties, packed their suitcases and drove the twelve hour trip from Minnesota to Arvada to see their son. Brian, in the first week of his hospital stay, like Dick, now existed because of a machine but Brian is only 57 years old.
When I heard the news my reaction was calm shock, it was too surreal. If I let this information seep too far into my brain I might breakdown. This is when I realized how good I had gotten at compartmentalizing my thoughts and emotions. Dealing with these feelings of grief, fear and loss in regard to not only Brian, but the death of Dick and the advancement of my cancer was a must. I knew I had to and eventually would deal with them, but not right now. The reaction would come but only when I was ready and could handle it. It's important to keep my focus at work and with the girls. The semester will be over soon and Katie will be graduating in a few weeks. This is the time I will let all of the emotions in or out. My sister Angie has set up a sight on the web called The Caring Bridge. Here we can get updates as to how Brian is doing. We can call as well, but instead of his already stressed out family repeating themselves 10 times a day to family members all over the country, we can connect through the web site. This tool was a wonderful idea and so nice of Angie to think of it.

May 2009 Katie graduates
A bright spot among all of these tragedies is Katie's graduation from high school. Even though Brian is sick I need to focus my attention on Katie for a few very important days. My second daughter is now preparing for her commencement day. How poignant this time is to be able to see another child of mine through high school. She has had a good run at Elyria Catholic like all students, some good times as well as bad, but is now ready to move on to Akron University for college. We are off to buy a white dress to wear under Katie's white graduation cape. The robe is white and one size fits all which means if you are very tall or short you are "shit out of luck", Katie is just five feet tall, she fits in the s-o-l category. The dress underneath has to be white so it won't show through the cape. This takes forever to find but eventually we are successful. Thankfully she already has shoes which are white as well. They are platform sandals that take her height up about four to five inches.
The day before the graduation ceremony we again, like we did with Alex, have our party for Katie. The usual people are in attendance, many of our neighbors, my friends Cindy and Bruce, Mike's Mother and her friend Chuck, my parents who have left my brother's side to be here, Jeanne's nephew is also graduating so she is not here, many of Katie's parents' friends' whom we've gotten to know over the years are here, a very fun group I might add. There are also college and work friends, in addition to Katie's friends who populate the garage, yard and house. The menu at Alex's graduation was met with success so we prepare many of the same foods. The day is busy, fun and exhausting; it ends around midnight, way past my bedtime.
The day of the ceremony we arrive a little early to ensure a good seat. The students begin to file in wearing their white gowns. Katie looks so tiny inside her white cape, like the little kid I used to know wearing her father's tee shirts from high school at the age of three. Katie actually made the "tee shirt look" work; she was a style star even then. This little girl also changed her hair style constantly. In kindergarten I'd take her to school with one hairdo and she'd walk out at the end of the day with another.
Katie, unlike her sisters had no problem separating herself from me. It was August 1993, Katie's first day of pre-school. This was the same school Alex attended. Their rooms were next to one another. Alex held my hand as long as she could, as I let go she would look back at me longingly with those huge brown eyes forming crocodile tears, stretching out her arm, hoping I'd pull her back. Katie on the other hand, dropped my grip like a hot potato practically bolting into her room, yelling "see ya." At the end of the pre-school morning Alex would dash out of her room smiling a little more now while Katie had a tendency to linger surrounding herself by her two, new best boyfriends, Joey and Max. This kid was a boy magnet even then.
As the students complete their procession into their seats on the floor of the coliseum Katie finds herself without a chair, the only one standing. Someone quickly finds her a seat, making up a row of one which didn't make her happy, but the ceremony was starting motivating her to sit. This class also plays a recording of quotes from each student, my favorite part of the day. Katie's quote is, "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." This is fitting for Katie, with each day she becomes more confident and creative with not only her style but with her life. She also thanks me and Mike for everything we've done for her.
After the ceremony we file outside and take a few moments to take pictures. Katie is like the director grabbing her friends or family for pictures barking orders to me, her dad or sisters to snap the shots. We chat with other parents or graduates while watching the kids cherish their last day at this school. Katie and her friends are smoking celebratory cigar type cigarettes which sets my dad into lecture mode. He was a smoker for at least 50 years and doesn't want his granddaughter to acquire the bad habit. One of Katie's friends Emily seeks me out for a picture of the two of us which I found touching and thoughtful. She has been there for Katie during some good and bad times as have her other close friends. We finally head home for leftover food and rest. Katie leaves to enjoy graduation parties with her friends.

June 2009 Brian loses his battle with life
After a week Brian was taken off the vent which I thought was a good sign. Within a few days he was put on full dialysis because his kidneys were not functioning properly. The staff tried to wean him to just a few hours a day to no avail. His kidneys and liver started to fail at which time he also developed a staph infection. He was in extremely bad shape. My sister Angie called informing me that Brian was dying and we all need to get out there to see him. I flew out, by myself, the next day. I met my sister's Mary, her husband Pete and son Jack, Paddy, Alice, and husband Martin, Kim with husband Joe and daughter Kelsey, Maureen and husband John Angie, with husband Rico, and sons Sean and Charlie and Kerry with her daughter Rubina. Some of us along with families stayed at the same hotel. My sister Maureen stayed with her son Tony and wife Christian who live there. Mom and Dad were back out there staying with Brian's wife. Shane his wife Amy and his three children Erin, Sam and Shea drove from Arkansas while Brendan, the last of the kids to arrive, drove from San Francisco.
Most of us were able to spend a few days visiting Brian at the hospital. We spent our time in the waiting room or in his room or walking the grounds and park outside the hospital. It gave us all cherished moments as a family to gather and bond with one another. Our brother was dying and the comfort we sought came from our family either verbally or physically, just by hugging, holding hands or simply by being in the same room together. Brian was conscious at times and able to communicate a little bit. Brendan was the last sibling to arrive he got there just in time to say goodbye. At one point we all stood around his bed holding hands praying and the radio started playing the song that we played at my Brother Kevin's funeral. We took it as a sign that he was there with us as well. The last week of Brian's life his kidneys completely failed and his wife and kids took him off all life saving procedures; he only had a morphine drip. On Friday morning, June 5th 2009, Brian died, his daughter Heather was the only one in the room. She told him it was ok to go, she assured him they would take care of each other and quietly he stopped breathing.
When Heather walked down into the lobby someone was sitting at the piano playing Somewhere over the Rainbow, a favorite song of both her and Brian. We were all called to come to the hospital. We saw him for one last time and he was then taken to be cremated. Mike and the girls immediately flew out when hearing the news of Brian's death as did my niece Angie, her husband Tim and daughter's Alicia and Boston.
The Irish Wake
The funeral was held over the weekend at Brian's favorite Golf club. His oldest son Joseph led the ceremony; he was joined by his pregnant wife Jaime with their first child, one that Brian would never meet. Everything about Joe that day reminded us of his father. It was astonishing to me that he had so much poise while speaking after just losing his dad. He was funny yet serious as he spoke of his heartfelt experiences he had with Brian. The Irish like to laugh and rejoice at a wake, of course there is sadness, that goes without saying but they rejoice in the person's life and what it meant to everyone involved. To me, that is important. His oldest daughter Heather and husband Josh spoke, Brian's youngest son Ryan, being the sensitive one, could not get up and speak. We all basked in the moment feeling the love and admiration each one had for their Father.
These grown kids did a fabulous job remembering their dad. We laughed and cried at the same time. My Dad got up and spoke as well, which was moving. He talked not only of his fondness of Brian but about the fact that he has now lost two sons. My niece Kelsey sang a favorite song of Brian's, Here with me by Dido. She has become a songbird using her voice to communicate how beautiful sound can be. Her parents Kim and Joe along with the rest of us are now allowing the tears flow without hesitation.
Other friends and family step forward to share their thoughts on Brian's zest for life, his easy way of communicating with others and his sense of humor making it a poignant, sad afternoon. The bagpipes chime in with an Irish song bringing the house down, so to speak. After the funeral everyone was first invited to hit a few balls on the driving range and then partake in a full meal at Brian's home. If he were there he would have prepared the entire meal by himself knowing it would be delicious. Cooking was his passion.
My entire family pitched in to help prepare Brian's "secret" spaghetti sauce, an all time favorite. He had just recently given this recipe to his kids, prior to that time, every ingredient that went into any of his recipes was a guarded secret. The kitchen and house were crowded with people, laughing, crying and drinking. You can't have an Irish wake without cocktails and the booze was flowing. This is when I realized that Katie had built up a tolerance for alcohol. She had more than a few drinks but was acting pretty normal. I would have been drunk after three or four. The college age kids were drinking and celebrating Alex's 20th birthday which under the circumstances, didn't get the attention that birthdays usually do, the high school age family members, were trying to grab sips here and there hoping their parents wouldn't catch them, Frankie was the bartender and Erin, the niece who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, is too young to imbibe but almost too old to play outside with the younger set so she wandered back and forth trying to find a place to fit.
I was sitting outside watching my younger nieces and nephews playing when my youngest brother Shane's twins Sam and Shea asked me to take my wig off, when I gave them a laughing no, Sammy took this as, I don't think she really cares, so he quickly grabbed it and ran down the street waving it in the air giggling with delight. I told him it was a good thing none of the adults were outside or he would have been in big trouble. To tell you the truth it was pretty funny and a welcome diversion. Funerals are an enigma, there can be so much joy and happiness packed into the sadness and loss. Soon we'd all leave for our individual homes keeping the memories of this special time about this special person, my brother Brian, close to our hearts.
Before, during and after Brian's ordeal I could feel the constant pain of what I knew was the cancer that had spread in my bones. Each time the pain would appear I'd push the negative feelings out of my mind. Thoughts of my own pain and perhaps death kept crashing in almost like waves. They'd rush in and I'd mentally push them out. How could my family deal with yet another loss? These negative feelings gave me the strength and determination to hold tight onto to my own life. My Dad must have suspected something was up because before he left for his home in Minnesota he took me a side and in his most serious tone said, "I cannot deal with yet another child dying before me, you better hold on until I kick the bucket." With that we both let out a teary smile and I promised to give it my best shot.
My six year anniversary
On this day I am again celebrating my life while letting myself now mourn the loss of Brian. I'm reminded of how worried he was about me upon my diagnosis and now he's gone, but I'm still here. You never know when your life is going to end. Appreciate the time that you have even though there are times it feels like drudgery. I hate to say this but life can just plain suck sometimes, however, being torn from it when you are not yet ready to go, sucks even more. This is the third person in my life to pass since the inception of my disease, Della, Dick and now Brian. I make sure to cherish this day and every day. Funerals remind us to appreciate the life that we are given. As we sit at our celebration tonight we remember all those that have passed over the last few years and give thanks.
My oldest sister Kerry is diagnosed with Breast Cancer
July 2009 Kerry finds out she has Breast Cancer. She is at a stage two with lymph node involvement which means a mastectomy is involved. Kerry is working full time, going for her PhD as well as raising her daughter by herself. Her stress level is high to say the least. She is a strong capable person and seems to be handling herself well through this ordeal. The operation was successful in getting all the cancer which had progressed to a stage two level. She seemed to have a harder time on chemo than I did at that stage of my illness. There were also other life complications which challenged her such as being a single Mom and the sole provider. My situation was much easier than that. I had Mike making most of the money and being there for the kids if I couldn't be. She does have good friends and family near her who help on the most difficult days but still, she had a lot of pressure.
Putting her schooling on hold was something Kerry did not want to do, but found it necessary. There were times when she wasn't sure she'd make it, but proved to herself that she was far stronger than she thought. Adversity gives us the strength we need to push through some of the worst situations only to come out triumphant. As a side note, the O'Brien's are built emotionally tough enabling them to weather some of the worst storms. I know she'll be fine.

Katie goes to college
Here we go again! Katie has spent her summer attending graduation parties of classmates and is finally embarking on her next stage in life, college. Alex starts a month later than Kate so she is able to come with us to move Katie in. Unlike Alex's experience, Katie's dorm is a renovated hotel further away from the hustle bustle of the main campus. There were not hordes of students or parents jockeying for parking spaces, elevators, etc. The school Katie is attending is much smaller making the move in faster. One bright spot, a bathroom inside the room complete with a bathtub, you don't see that every day in a dorm room. The space is also much bigger than your typical dorm room.
When we get up to the room Katie's roommate, her mother and her boyfriend are already moving in. We open the door to them silently putting her belongings away while the roommate silently cried. It was like a funeral or something. My first thought was, this is a very bad sign. The O'Brien Wetzel family is loud with laughter or squabbling while putting everything in its proper place. And this family was as quiet and solemn as church mice. I find myself praying that this is going to be a good fit.
Katie is an absolute perfectionist and a clean freak so she was directing traffic as to where her belongings should go and what we could and could not touch. For instance, you can't sit on Katie's bed if your feet are dirty, actually she'd really prefer you not sit on her bed at all. Thankfully Mike had an easy time getting her computer and printer up and running. Once everything was neatly stored we set out to explore the campus and get something to eat. Mike of course stopped in the bookstore and bought sweatshirts with the school logo for everyone while Katie picked up her books, etc. We checked out the brand new recreation center which was beautiful. The equipment was new, it was clean and there were several sections of gym where basketball and volleyball games were going on. After our tour we walked Katie back to her room and said our goodbyes with just a few tears, from me of course. On the drive home my thoughts were filled with Katie growing up making changes and becoming this now capable young woman who I am so proud of. Later that day Katie and her roommate got their schedules and walked the campus preparing themselves for Monday's classes. Maybe this roommate situation will work.
Various Chemo and Radiation treatments
July of 2009 I was put on a different chemo because of the progression of tumors in the bones. This chemo is called Fulvestrant. My physician thought it would be a good idea to try radiation to the tumor in the fifth vertebrae in the Lumbar region or L5 as it's referred to in reports. Radiation can stop the growth of the tumor as well as alleviate the pain. After meeting with a Radiation Oncologist a time is scheduled for a one time zap of radiation. Generally you don't mix radiation and chemo, but most radiation schedules are drawn out for several weeks giving the patient small doses. Because I'm currently doing chemo they are going give me a onetime, higher dose. The radiation made me so sick, worse than chemo. I already had a headache prior to the procedure but soon after I was done the headache progressed to a migraine and I began throwing up. The side effect lasted about a day and then I was fine. Thankfully this procedure was successful is reducing the pain.
Over the next several months up through December of 2009 the cancer would continue to spread causing yet another change in chemo, this one called Vinorelbine and additional radiation treatments to the thoracic spine, 5th right rib and T1-T6 vertebrae. In this treatment the radiation dose was reduced which meant I had one every day for two weeks excluding weekends, 10 in all, keeping the negative side effects at bay. I'm teaching an exercise class to a group of people from a local company at 7:00 am. Toward the end of their eight week session I start to feel a familiar and unsettling, nagging sensation in my left femur. There is no doubt in my mind that it is the cancer. Christmas is upon us and we've had such a bad year. I decide to keep the information to myself until after the holidays. Our family needs a break from all downbeat situations. Christmas is heartwarming this year. More attention is paid to our relationships and our love for one another than the anticipated excitement over the gifts we are giving and receiving. Mass is crowded with dressed up people enjoying the magic that this holiday is capable of bringing. Giving thanks is always on the top of my prayer list, praying for others, like my still grieving relatives is second, prayers for those less fortunate is third and last I pray for courage not only for me but for my family to continue to weather this storm of illness.
Advice:
Make friends in the oddest environments. Dick's stay at the rest home was awful, but the kindness we saw from his last roommate, looking out for him even though he didn't know him, showed us the goodness in humanity.
Don't have a year like I've had, but if you do, know that you can get through so much more than you think you can. Look through the negative of a situation to find the pieces of joy and even lessons in them. Yes, the loss of a loved one is horrific but the memories of the interaction of love and closeness we felt at the hospital and the funeral gave us a lifetime of uplifting memories and something good to hold onto.
Take time out to cherish something positive happening in the midst of turmoil. Katie's graduation and entrance to college enabled us to block out the terrible situation and feel only the good for a few precious moments.
Remember that dealing positively with the adversity of an illness takes practice, just like exercise, you are weak when you first start but soon find your body adapting to bigger challenges. Your mind works in the same way.
Take a moment to breathe slowly and deeply in and out through the nose ten times, at least three times a day. It will help your immune and nervous system.