Chapter 36, 2010, Race for the Cure

Chapter 36, 2010 Race for the Cure
Alex is feeling frustrated by the fact that my illness is progressing and she can't do anything to help me or to stop it. Her answer is to organize a team to raise money for Breast Cancer and run in the Race for the Cure. This is a Susan G. Koman function put on by many cities in the United States. Alex attends Ohio State in Columbus, Ohio which is where the race will be held. Her boyfriend Steve worked on designing the long sleeve t-shirt for the team with a little help from my middle daughter Katie. The name of the team is Kristy's Krew.
My parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and friends also got involved in purchasing shirts and raising money for the cause. This was going on for at least a month or two before I found out about it. It soon became a competition within our family as to who could raise the most money. I think it was Mike that won that contest in the end, his friends had deeper pockets. Everyone did well raising funds and I believe our team was among the top ten money makers for the race. The race will be held in mid May.
This entire event comes at a precarious time in my life. I'm hitting the bottom of the ditch physically and emotionally. I am tired of fighting and constantly feeling sick, even dying gets old, but I would think, not only for me but for those around me. They never complain or say anything negative to me, but it can't be easy for them either. Day after day I drag myself out of bed, go to work, and teach my classes meeting my daily vocational requirements all the time trying to wear a smile on my face. Each time I walk into a class or meet with a client I say to myself, it is just one hour and I can do anything for an hour. Sometimes you have to be an actress for as long as it takes until it is no longer an act. And then I come home, make dinner for Frankie visit with her while she eats, perhaps I go back to work or to the grocery store and do whatever else needs to be done.
Rarely do I ever shirk my duties and let this illness win. My house still gets cleaned once a week with all that entails. The only thing I don't do is the ironing. Mike's mother is kind enough to come over once a week to tackle that job and I appreciate her for that. She gets frustrated with the fact that I won't let her help me more, but she is in her seventies and doesn't need that additional burden. I contend that if you start letting people do everything for you, you get used to it and become lazy; I can't let that happen. Mike gets home around 7:00 and I make his meal taking a few moments to talk about his or my day and by 9:00 or 10:00 I am ready for a pain pill and bed.
The race is in a few days which means it will be held the 8th day after my last chemo. By that time I hope to be feeling a little better, because right now I don't. As I'm walking the track at the fitness center with a fellow survivor I confide in her that I've been contemplating stopping chemo. I'm scared about making that decision because that would likely mean that I won't survive long after that. I don't want everyone to think that I'm giving up, if there is one thing in this world that I'm all about, it is the desire to make my family and friends proud of me. That is my main motivation for everything I do in life. My friend Toni responded by saying "God will guide you to making the right decision." And then we hugged and wiped away our tears.

Mike made reservations at a hotel just a block away from the race. My friend's Cindy, Sue and Fran followed us down and stayed at the same hotel. The Hanson girls, Joanie, Megan and Amanda also booked a room but would arrive later. After we unpacked and settled into our rooms for a few moments we headed for the Ohio State Campus and Alex's apartment. Fran's daughter Lauren also attends OSU so we walked over to her dorm to pick her up once on campus. Katie and her friend Emily arrived shortly before us and Alex and her roommate Carissa were waiting for us at their home. Steve, Alex's boyfriend came over wearing the shirt they designed for the race team which immediately put me into the crying mode, something I'd do a lot of over the weekend. The tears stemmed from the joy and awe I felt by this gift of love from my loved ones and their friends.
On the front the tee shirt there is a black and white picture of me on vacation in San Diego from 1991. I'm 35, Katie is a baby and Alex is two. My hair is long and highlighted blonde. This is one of Alex and Katie's favorite pictures of me. Actually my likeness to Frankie is uncanny. Currently her hair is about the same length and color as mine was at the time this picture was taken. She struck a pose, mimicking my stance on the shirt to show us all how much we looked alike. It's ironic that they chose a picture of me with long flowing hair given that I've been bald as a new born for years. Those were the days when I had some hair. I miss that hair.
Our entire crew went out for dinner that evening at the Mongolian BBQ in downtown Columbus. It's a perfect place to go for a large group because the set up is buffet style. Each individual picks out raw vegetables and meats moving next to the grill where the cooks, in a flamboyant way, prepare your meal to perfection while putting on a comedic show. After enjoying one another's company at dinner, we went out for ice cream and a stroll near the campus. Our bellies were full and we were tired; it was time to call it a night. The evening was a wonderful distraction allowing me to escape from negative thoughts of my physical condition.
Everyone went back to their homes or hotel to get a good night's rest to prepare for the following day. As we were settling in Joanie and her family arrived and were just going out to dinner. We chatted a few moments and then went to bed. Our alarm went off at 6:30 giving us all enough time to shower and get breakfast before we walked up to the race. As I turned onto the street where the race was starting and ending I was taken over by emotion. All you could see for miles was a sea of pink, from hair to shirts to hats, the color pink was everywhere. There was this positive energy that you felt pulsing through the air. You could almost float on it. Many of Alex's college roommates, Kay, Nikki, Carissa, Sophie and Alaina along with Steve, Emily, the Hanson's, Cindy, Sue and Fran along with the Wetzel family of course, were in attendance, as well as the wife and daughter of Mike's boss, Sophia and Leigha who drove down early that morning. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't believe all of these people were doing this for me.
This was my answer from God! If all of these people can come out and run or raise money for me or their own loved one's then I can keep on fighting. This is exactly the wind I needed to continue to push me along in my own life. I personally was not feeling well enough to participate in the race but I kept my eyes glued to the finish line where I could hug and thank every person involved on my behalf as they completed the run or walk. Alex was one of the first members from our group to come in, then some of her friends and Steve. Mike, was followed by Katie, Emily, Frankie and the rest of the team as they trickled in one at a time. It was a great spectacle. I hugged each of the girls and Mike at the same time. We all knew how fortunate we were to have this time together. It was magical.
The entire morning was spent at the Race followed by a nap and an early dinner. The weekend was one I will never forget. When we arrived home I immediately set out to send a thank you to everyone involved. It was important for me to let every person concerned know how much their involvement inspired my continued fight:

Dear Family and Friends,
As I sit to write this brief note I fear that my words and expressions will never be able to truly depict how I feel about the gesture of you all buying t-shirts and or running/walking, or donating monies to the Race for the Cure for Kristy's Krew. I am deeply humbled, but lifted up at the same time.
This past year and especially these past six months have been my greatest physical and mental challenge since being diagnosed with the metastases' of my breast cancer. My disease spread while being on one chemo, but has been halted by another, one that has had less than desirable side effects. It is because of the side effects that I have had thoughts of stopping the drug. The Friday before the race I had a conversation with a fellow survivor in regard to quitting the chemo and she told me that God would guide me as to what to do. On Saturday morning as I saw all of you, and the thousands of others running for loved ones', I found the answer to my prayers. You have all given me the courage to continue to fight.
Never underestimate the power of a kind, selfless act. To borrow and rearrange a few lines from my new mantra and favorite song, Soul Sister by Train,
I'd like to put my lipstick stain
on the left side of your front lobe brain
I know I'll never forget you and so I had
To let you blow my mind
You gave my life direction
A soul to soul connection
As soon as we collided I knew it was decided
That you're one of my kind!!
You are all one of my kind, my Soul Brothers and Sisters, Thank you for a gift of a lifetime. A special thanks to Alex who set all of this up and to Katie and Steve for designing the t-shirt.
Love,
Kristy
Advice
Giving up the fight should always be the choice of the one who is suffering. You and you alone will know when and if it is time for you to stop fighting. If this was my time my family and friends would have understood because as you can see I have surrounded myself with many selfless people. Your decision, however, would be yours and yours alone.
Remember that you are not an island; you are not alone in this fight. Sometimes it really does take a community of support to pick you up during your most difficult times. If these people would not have lifted me up at this particular time in my life, I'm not sure where I would be right now.
Always let your supporters know how much they help you. They also need to realize their efforts are not in vain. Be grateful for those who love you.