Chapter 29, January 2006 learning to live my life in three week Increments
According to my Oncologist, due to my current state of health, it is highly unlikely that I'll ever be able to stop treatments, unless of course I decide to go off chemo altogether which in his medical opinion, won't bode well for my survival. What a daunting thought, chemo for the rest of my life. Perhaps someday, by some miracle I'll be cured, I hold that thought in the back of my mind, but for now, it is what it is. I've got to learn to accept this situation with a good frame of mind in order to move forward and have a decent quality of life.
As always, my treatments are administered every third Friday, this takes up a good part of the day. There is lab work first to make sure my blood counts are where they should be. Next there is a visit with the trial nurse followed by a check up by the Oncologist. Once everything proves to be in order, I move to the waiting area where several other patients are anticipating their own journey for the day. Many look tired and bogged down with illness. I, on the other hand, am full of energy and smiling prior to my passage through the halls of anticipated wellness. It is a different story when my day is complete, but for now I feel good and positive. The nurse announces my name and we head back to start the process of administering the premeds and chemo which will take about three hours.
Directly following treatment I'm groggy and lethargic, but I make myself use the stairs instead of the elevator at every turn, including the parking garage. This gives me a mental lift even though it's difficult to do physically. By Friday evening my sick feeling progresses to a burning like sensation in my stomach coupled with achy flu like symptoms. The next morning I return to the clinic for my Neulasta shot which takes just a few minutes. This is the drug that increases my immune fighting cells so my body has a defense system as well as keeping the treatments on schedule. By late Saturday afternoon the symptoms from the day before worsen, adding to it, a bad taste in my mouth and nausea which anti nausea drugs don't seem to take care of. They keep me from throwing up about 75% of the time, but the sick to my stomach feeling is still there. Bed, at this point, is the only place I want to be. Emotionally, this part of the ride is tough, it's easy to get down psychologically when you feel so physically sick. I sleep on and off Saturday evening with the help of Darvocet, a mild pain killer and sleep agent. Saltines and lemon Perrier are the only nourishment I can force down. By Sunday morning the negative symptoms improve, and are partially replaced by a bone pain that lasts for another three to four days at which time all the symptoms subside.
Do you have any idea how exhilarating it is to feel good when you've been to hell and back physically and emotionally? Let me tell you there is nothing better! I equate my dark sensations after chemo to going down into a ditch and then slowly crawling up and out of it to find a glorious bliss like ambiance where I can conquer the world. It's probably a little like being Bipolar. The lows are almost unbearable but the highs are incredible!
So, this is it! This, for the time being is what my life is going to be like. What are the steps I need to take to handle it? Think of the elation I feel when my negative symptoms subside. Be grateful that I have about two and a half weeks of feeling good in-between treatments. Appreciate the fact that the chemo is keeping the tumors stable. Know that the Neulasta shot is helping by maintaining the drug schedule as well as keeping my cells fighting system strong. Enjoy having the ability to taste foods as they were meant to taste. Cherish my in tacked finger and toe nails. Be thankful for the lack of mouth sores. Above all, give thanks for the simple fact that there is still a treatment available for me.
Advice
When you are in the depths of despair, have faith that there will soon be a light to guide you.
Make a list of pros and cons, highlight even smallest uplifting note.
Use every bright spot available to you in order to lift you up psychologically.
Have courage and strength to weather the storm.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Chapter 28, November 2005, The Books I've Read
Chapter 28, November 2005, The Books I've read
November 2005, I continue to feel well. My best friend Jeanne from Chicago has come for a Thanksgiving visit. We have known one another for twenty two years, one of my oldest and dearest friends. She, along with my friend Della, is my first daughter's God Mother, a job taken quite seriously. Last year Jeanne took Alex to New York for the Macy's Day Parade for her eighth grade graduation. It was the experience of a lifetime for her, one she will never forget. Now that we no longer live in Chicago we only see Jeanne twice a year, if we are lucky. Our friendship is one that is comfortable and fits like a well worn glove. Conversations come easily upon seeing one another, no matter how long it's been. Jeanne is five tears my junior, single and a bit of a workaholic.
Last year she suffered the loss of her fiancé. Upon arriving home from work one evening she found him dead, the cause was acute pancreatitis. Not to let much grass grow underneath her, or wallow in grief, she labored through the mourning period with hard work; churning out furniture and design orders left and right, one of the many reasons for her career success as an account representative in the Contract Furniture Industry. Her loss was deep, and she suffered in silence for many months. Working hard was her way of pushing through her life when she could have just given up; one of my many shining examples of inspiration. Just having Jeanne here has made this Holiday special.
Today, Black Friday, we are out looking around for Christmas gifts at a local book store. I come across the inspirational and self help section, on illness and cancer related subjects. This reminds me of all the different books and paraphernalia I've received from people over the course of my illness. Initially, I couldn't bring myself to look at or read anything because I was too overwhelmed with trying to wrap my head around what was going on with me in regard to my health. Once I felt stronger and more confident I began to delve into some of the readings.
The first book I read was by a Dr. who discusses Changes made in dealing with his patients over the span of his career in Oncology. In the early years of his practice he would keep some information from patients if he thought it would be too fear provoking for them, like not telling them how long they had to live. Eventually he realized this was not fair to the patient or to the family. In time, he started giving a projected life span according to statistics. This proved to be problematic with some patients because they would die almost to the date of the diagnosis. Would they have died in that time frame anyway, even if they weren't given that information? One will never know. He finally gave the information in a hopeful, uplifting way adding that it varies from patient to patient within reason. This got me to thinking about the psychological aspect of receiving news of a terminal nature. Either you accept it or you challenge it. You can mentally argue the possibility, not by disagreeing that you have cancer or the fact that cancer can kill people, but by disputing the time frame, you are given.
Some details from this book were already familiar, like the fact that people died almost exactly to the date of the finding of their illness, but the most uplifting information I came away with after reading this memoir was a story related about a colleague of the author's who was stricken with the very disease he had treated for years. This physician requested an extremely aggressive therapy, one in which his associates believed to be a ridiculous undertaking. In their opinion he was being foolish and naïve about the possible results of his actions. The Dr/patient suffered greatly through his treatment, but survived. The narrator describes his delight when he walked into the cafeteria of a hospital a decade or more later to see his once "terminal" colleague alive and well eating his lunch. It is uplifting to hear stories of triumph, against all odds; someone survives what is thought to be the impossible. This gave me hope.
The next book I read was about a famous cycling athlete who stricken with testicular cancer. The guy's story was inspirational and an interesting read, but it occurred to me that I was nothing like him. He was highly motivated his entire life and I have not been, an athlete who was driven from the time he was a young boy. You don't get to an elite and famous status in the sports world by sitting on your laurels, maybe sitting on a bike, but not your laurels. Physicians were tripping over themselves offering help in his cure. He felt excitement and exhilaration at being included in the roundtable of medical professionals discussing his options and the treatment route. How wonderful for him and anyone else that has that type of attention. This is what happens when you are a sports hero I guess.
The average Joe, the majority of patients in the world do not get this type of consideration. We are not famous, just normal every day people trying to make sure that we count, trying to make sure that our particular case is getting the notice it needs. This was not the type of care I received from my first physicians and I don't think it's the type of interest most patients get. I do however feel like I get better attention now, because I've learned to speak up and expect more and I'm in an environment where the patient is encouraged to take an active part in their care. Physicians and nurses have the medical knowledge but the patient needs to be aware of the changes happening in their own bodies. Reading these books is what inspired me to journal my own cancer story. Every inspirational story I've read regarding cancer has helped me in some way, but I thought there should be a book about an average person, raising a family, going to work and or caring for kids dealing with everyday occurrences, on top of trying to survive a terminal illness.
My story may not parallel yours either, but perhaps you'll gain some form of insight in your own battle. I'm fortunate because I don't have to work. Choosing to go back to school and work part-time is a luxury that many may not have. I'm fully aware of that and grateful for the opportunity. As I've said before, my husband makes the bulk of the money and carries the insurance. How fortunate to have this type of abundance when many don't.
Perhaps this story is similar to yours, as I sit in the reception area waiting for treatment a conversation is started with another patient, this woman's story particularly struck me. She lost her job along with insurance because she couldn't go to work and be sick with cancer and treatments at the same time. There was no bitterness, just a matter of fact in her particular life. A smile and warm, inspirational eyes were all I could see as she related her struggle to me. How would I fare in her shoes? Could I do it with the same strength and courage I saw in her. Her story gave me pause and power to continue to fight my own, much easier battle. My prayers that day were for her and her plight, grateful to be in the presence of a true hero, one that I would like to emulate.
Advice
What is your story? Share it if you can, you may be able to help others.
Continue to be inspired in your own fight just by reading about others. It will lift you up.
Be your own health advocate work along with your care givers; don't expect them to do all the work. It is also up to you.
November 2005, I continue to feel well. My best friend Jeanne from Chicago has come for a Thanksgiving visit. We have known one another for twenty two years, one of my oldest and dearest friends. She, along with my friend Della, is my first daughter's God Mother, a job taken quite seriously. Last year Jeanne took Alex to New York for the Macy's Day Parade for her eighth grade graduation. It was the experience of a lifetime for her, one she will never forget. Now that we no longer live in Chicago we only see Jeanne twice a year, if we are lucky. Our friendship is one that is comfortable and fits like a well worn glove. Conversations come easily upon seeing one another, no matter how long it's been. Jeanne is five tears my junior, single and a bit of a workaholic.
Last year she suffered the loss of her fiancé. Upon arriving home from work one evening she found him dead, the cause was acute pancreatitis. Not to let much grass grow underneath her, or wallow in grief, she labored through the mourning period with hard work; churning out furniture and design orders left and right, one of the many reasons for her career success as an account representative in the Contract Furniture Industry. Her loss was deep, and she suffered in silence for many months. Working hard was her way of pushing through her life when she could have just given up; one of my many shining examples of inspiration. Just having Jeanne here has made this Holiday special.
Today, Black Friday, we are out looking around for Christmas gifts at a local book store. I come across the inspirational and self help section, on illness and cancer related subjects. This reminds me of all the different books and paraphernalia I've received from people over the course of my illness. Initially, I couldn't bring myself to look at or read anything because I was too overwhelmed with trying to wrap my head around what was going on with me in regard to my health. Once I felt stronger and more confident I began to delve into some of the readings.
The first book I read was by a Dr. who discusses Changes made in dealing with his patients over the span of his career in Oncology. In the early years of his practice he would keep some information from patients if he thought it would be too fear provoking for them, like not telling them how long they had to live. Eventually he realized this was not fair to the patient or to the family. In time, he started giving a projected life span according to statistics. This proved to be problematic with some patients because they would die almost to the date of the diagnosis. Would they have died in that time frame anyway, even if they weren't given that information? One will never know. He finally gave the information in a hopeful, uplifting way adding that it varies from patient to patient within reason. This got me to thinking about the psychological aspect of receiving news of a terminal nature. Either you accept it or you challenge it. You can mentally argue the possibility, not by disagreeing that you have cancer or the fact that cancer can kill people, but by disputing the time frame, you are given.
Some details from this book were already familiar, like the fact that people died almost exactly to the date of the finding of their illness, but the most uplifting information I came away with after reading this memoir was a story related about a colleague of the author's who was stricken with the very disease he had treated for years. This physician requested an extremely aggressive therapy, one in which his associates believed to be a ridiculous undertaking. In their opinion he was being foolish and naïve about the possible results of his actions. The Dr/patient suffered greatly through his treatment, but survived. The narrator describes his delight when he walked into the cafeteria of a hospital a decade or more later to see his once "terminal" colleague alive and well eating his lunch. It is uplifting to hear stories of triumph, against all odds; someone survives what is thought to be the impossible. This gave me hope.
The next book I read was about a famous cycling athlete who stricken with testicular cancer. The guy's story was inspirational and an interesting read, but it occurred to me that I was nothing like him. He was highly motivated his entire life and I have not been, an athlete who was driven from the time he was a young boy. You don't get to an elite and famous status in the sports world by sitting on your laurels, maybe sitting on a bike, but not your laurels. Physicians were tripping over themselves offering help in his cure. He felt excitement and exhilaration at being included in the roundtable of medical professionals discussing his options and the treatment route. How wonderful for him and anyone else that has that type of attention. This is what happens when you are a sports hero I guess.
The average Joe, the majority of patients in the world do not get this type of consideration. We are not famous, just normal every day people trying to make sure that we count, trying to make sure that our particular case is getting the notice it needs. This was not the type of care I received from my first physicians and I don't think it's the type of interest most patients get. I do however feel like I get better attention now, because I've learned to speak up and expect more and I'm in an environment where the patient is encouraged to take an active part in their care. Physicians and nurses have the medical knowledge but the patient needs to be aware of the changes happening in their own bodies. Reading these books is what inspired me to journal my own cancer story. Every inspirational story I've read regarding cancer has helped me in some way, but I thought there should be a book about an average person, raising a family, going to work and or caring for kids dealing with everyday occurrences, on top of trying to survive a terminal illness.
My story may not parallel yours either, but perhaps you'll gain some form of insight in your own battle. I'm fortunate because I don't have to work. Choosing to go back to school and work part-time is a luxury that many may not have. I'm fully aware of that and grateful for the opportunity. As I've said before, my husband makes the bulk of the money and carries the insurance. How fortunate to have this type of abundance when many don't.
Perhaps this story is similar to yours, as I sit in the reception area waiting for treatment a conversation is started with another patient, this woman's story particularly struck me. She lost her job along with insurance because she couldn't go to work and be sick with cancer and treatments at the same time. There was no bitterness, just a matter of fact in her particular life. A smile and warm, inspirational eyes were all I could see as she related her struggle to me. How would I fare in her shoes? Could I do it with the same strength and courage I saw in her. Her story gave me pause and power to continue to fight my own, much easier battle. My prayers that day were for her and her plight, grateful to be in the presence of a true hero, one that I would like to emulate.
Advice
What is your story? Share it if you can, you may be able to help others.
Continue to be inspired in your own fight just by reading about others. It will lift you up.
Be your own health advocate work along with your care givers; don't expect them to do all the work. It is also up to you.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Chapter 27, Junior Ring, 2005
Chapter 27, Junior Ring, 2005
September 2005, Alex came home from school today with a request. The student representatives of her class have asked if I would be willing to give an inspirational speech at their upcoming Junior Ring Ceremony. The observance is a rite of passage ritual at our school for students entering their junior year. This is a time where lower classman move to upper classman status. They cross over into a more responsible time of life and also receive their class rings. The entire student body is there combined with all faculty, staff and family members of the juniors. Roughly speaking there will be about 500 people there. "What?" was my first response to her question, "Why?" was my second ", and my third was a "no", combined with a guttural response of humbled tears.
Alex continued to plead her case until I said yes, ok; I'll try to do it. This would require getting up in front of all these people to discuss my illness and how I handle day to day living with it. The speech would deal with some very intimate feelings and actions that would make me and possibly others, cry. After I agreed, Alex proceeded to tell me that last year's speaker, Mr. Jaworski, a beloved Religion teacher, gave the speech of a lifetime and it was wonderful and moving. The shoes I had to fill were big. Out of sheer terror and nervousness, the speech was written that night and practiced every day, about a month or more, until the day of the ceremony, in hopes of engraining the words in my mind and losing all the emotions which would inevitably be attached to every single syllable. Mr. Jaworski was kind enough to send a list of successful speaking practices home with Alex such as; having good eye contact, don't read from the speech, try not to use a lot of ums and ahs and speak from the heart. Actually I was planning on losing my glasses memorizing the speech and not looking at anyone. If I looked at someone, I might burst into tears. This was a bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!
November 2005, the day of the speech, on the drive to the school my heart is practically beating out of my chest. Wearing a scarf on my head would make me feel too vulnerable so I wear a bad wig instead, one I got from The American Cancer Society. Most of my dress clothes don't fit because I've lost so much weight and I wear exercise clothes to work every day so I don an old skirt of Alex's from the 8th grade coupled with a newer, dressy blouse and heels. Arriving at the school early may have been a mistake. I sat in the office and watched the throng of students shuffle by, all moving into the gym for the ceremony. With each student or parent passing my stomach got weaker and sicker. So much so I thought I would either pass out or throw up. The principal assured me everything would be ok. We went into the gym as soon as everyone had arrived and sat down. My knees were knocking together as I sat through other brief announcements and speeches, which just helped to make me more anxious.
Now it was my turn, as the student introduced me in an eloquent, sincere way conveying such kind words, I burst into tears, yeah before I even got up there! By the time I reached the podium I was a blubbering mess. Once the water works somewhat subsided I told them that I knew I would cry I just didn't think it would be right out of the gate. My hands and knees were still shaking so badly you'd thought I had late stage Parkinson's, but I gave the speech as follows:
The Speech
When Alex approached me on behalf of your class to speak here today, I was……., well frankly I was shocked. I wondered why me when there are so many more qualified candidates. I gave her many reasons why I couldn’t possibly get up in front of all of you bright, impressive young adults. One of the biggest was, I have never done any public speaking. You would have thought that that alone would deter her, but it didn’t. I also reminded her that I have a tendency to cry at the least bit of sentiment, and I may have a hard time getting through the speech, but she persisted. She continued to make her case in regard to why I should do this, and since I’m standing up here today, you might surmise that she won, she can be very persuasive.
Please know that I feel deeply honored by the request, unworthy perhaps, but deeply honored none the less. And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I imagine that part of the reason I was asked to speak was because I have been dealing with a terminal illness for the past few years. But today is not about me and my illness isn’t something I choose to dwell on. I would however, like to relate a small piece of my experience and tie it into what you are going through.
Before I got sick I had asked God if I could do something special with my life. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help people. I wanted to have a positive effect on the people that I came in contact with. When I was diagnosed with this disease, I asked God again, but not exactly in the same spiritual manner as I did before. Are you telling me that this is my something special? Cause if it is I change my mind, I was definitely going for something much better than this. Couldn’t I just win the Lottery? I could give most of the money to charity and keep just a little bit for myself.
Whether this was my something special or not, didn’t really matter, because it was now the path that my life has taken. I had a choice to make. I had to put myself in a state of mind in which I could deal with this. I could feel sorry for myself, I could be angry and bitter, or I could deal with this with courage, determination, dignity and a lot of humor. I chose the latter. And I also realized that God didn’t give me this illness so I could touch people. You don’t need to be sick, or have something traumatic happen to you to do something special with your life. You just need to use the gifts that God has given you, and choose to do that in a positive way. Our lives and how we live them are all about choices.
With this in mind I turn to all of you. Here today in this junior ring ceremony you are about to step into the role of upper classmen and women. You are standing on the threshold of your adult lives. Soon you’ll be making decisions that will impact your future. You’ve chosen a theme, Forever Young. Now we all know that physically we can’t be forever young. If we could I wouldn’t be standing up here looking 50, I would look like look like you guys. Forever young is a state of mind and you can all choose the state of mind you’d like to be in. Again, life is all about choices.
As you begin your journey I ask you to keep my experience and your theme in mind.
Choose to live your life with a young and open mind, a young heart, and a young soul.
Choose to enjoy each step of your journey, not just the destination.
Choose to do your best with whatever life hands you.
Choose to believe in yourselves, because anything is possible.
Choose to set your expectations of yourselves high.
Choose to be free from prejudice because you are all created equal.
Choose to make a difference.
Choose to cherish your life for it is fleeting.
Choose to stand up for what is right, no matter how unpopular that may be.
Choose to have a sense of humor, because it will get you through a lot.
Choose to be courageous
Choose to be proud of yourselves because you are all amazing.
Choose to be kind, compassionate, and generous.
Choose to be a decent human being.
And finally,
Choose to be forever young.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
Thank You.
Yes! That's it. Thank God I was done! I wasn't happy about the way I delivered the speech, but I had a big accomplishment under my belt. Staring a fear in the face and just doing it brings about feelings of great accomplishment even though I felt just a little bit humiliated about my delivery. Some of the parents and students were gracious and kind in their words to me after the event was over. My sigh of relief upon completion could be heard throughout the gym. A short note, getting an A in college speech in no way qualifies you to get up in front of 500 people on your first go around. You may want to start out in smaller, less emotional venues.
Advice:
Honor your child's or friend's or spouse's request, if you can.
Take chances; face a fear, what's the worst that could happen, utter humiliation? You can live with that! It is all in how you perceive everything!
Remember that exhilaration upon completing a challenging task feels like a thousand volts of positive, healing energy running through your body. Do the hard work in the trenches so you can come out with a great feeling about yourself!!!! Live, live, live.
September 2005, Alex came home from school today with a request. The student representatives of her class have asked if I would be willing to give an inspirational speech at their upcoming Junior Ring Ceremony. The observance is a rite of passage ritual at our school for students entering their junior year. This is a time where lower classman move to upper classman status. They cross over into a more responsible time of life and also receive their class rings. The entire student body is there combined with all faculty, staff and family members of the juniors. Roughly speaking there will be about 500 people there. "What?" was my first response to her question, "Why?" was my second ", and my third was a "no", combined with a guttural response of humbled tears.
Alex continued to plead her case until I said yes, ok; I'll try to do it. This would require getting up in front of all these people to discuss my illness and how I handle day to day living with it. The speech would deal with some very intimate feelings and actions that would make me and possibly others, cry. After I agreed, Alex proceeded to tell me that last year's speaker, Mr. Jaworski, a beloved Religion teacher, gave the speech of a lifetime and it was wonderful and moving. The shoes I had to fill were big. Out of sheer terror and nervousness, the speech was written that night and practiced every day, about a month or more, until the day of the ceremony, in hopes of engraining the words in my mind and losing all the emotions which would inevitably be attached to every single syllable. Mr. Jaworski was kind enough to send a list of successful speaking practices home with Alex such as; having good eye contact, don't read from the speech, try not to use a lot of ums and ahs and speak from the heart. Actually I was planning on losing my glasses memorizing the speech and not looking at anyone. If I looked at someone, I might burst into tears. This was a bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!
November 2005, the day of the speech, on the drive to the school my heart is practically beating out of my chest. Wearing a scarf on my head would make me feel too vulnerable so I wear a bad wig instead, one I got from The American Cancer Society. Most of my dress clothes don't fit because I've lost so much weight and I wear exercise clothes to work every day so I don an old skirt of Alex's from the 8th grade coupled with a newer, dressy blouse and heels. Arriving at the school early may have been a mistake. I sat in the office and watched the throng of students shuffle by, all moving into the gym for the ceremony. With each student or parent passing my stomach got weaker and sicker. So much so I thought I would either pass out or throw up. The principal assured me everything would be ok. We went into the gym as soon as everyone had arrived and sat down. My knees were knocking together as I sat through other brief announcements and speeches, which just helped to make me more anxious.
Now it was my turn, as the student introduced me in an eloquent, sincere way conveying such kind words, I burst into tears, yeah before I even got up there! By the time I reached the podium I was a blubbering mess. Once the water works somewhat subsided I told them that I knew I would cry I just didn't think it would be right out of the gate. My hands and knees were still shaking so badly you'd thought I had late stage Parkinson's, but I gave the speech as follows:
The Speech
When Alex approached me on behalf of your class to speak here today, I was……., well frankly I was shocked. I wondered why me when there are so many more qualified candidates. I gave her many reasons why I couldn’t possibly get up in front of all of you bright, impressive young adults. One of the biggest was, I have never done any public speaking. You would have thought that that alone would deter her, but it didn’t. I also reminded her that I have a tendency to cry at the least bit of sentiment, and I may have a hard time getting through the speech, but she persisted. She continued to make her case in regard to why I should do this, and since I’m standing up here today, you might surmise that she won, she can be very persuasive.
Please know that I feel deeply honored by the request, unworthy perhaps, but deeply honored none the less. And I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I imagine that part of the reason I was asked to speak was because I have been dealing with a terminal illness for the past few years. But today is not about me and my illness isn’t something I choose to dwell on. I would however, like to relate a small piece of my experience and tie it into what you are going through.
Before I got sick I had asked God if I could do something special with my life. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help people. I wanted to have a positive effect on the people that I came in contact with. When I was diagnosed with this disease, I asked God again, but not exactly in the same spiritual manner as I did before. Are you telling me that this is my something special? Cause if it is I change my mind, I was definitely going for something much better than this. Couldn’t I just win the Lottery? I could give most of the money to charity and keep just a little bit for myself.
Whether this was my something special or not, didn’t really matter, because it was now the path that my life has taken. I had a choice to make. I had to put myself in a state of mind in which I could deal with this. I could feel sorry for myself, I could be angry and bitter, or I could deal with this with courage, determination, dignity and a lot of humor. I chose the latter. And I also realized that God didn’t give me this illness so I could touch people. You don’t need to be sick, or have something traumatic happen to you to do something special with your life. You just need to use the gifts that God has given you, and choose to do that in a positive way. Our lives and how we live them are all about choices.
With this in mind I turn to all of you. Here today in this junior ring ceremony you are about to step into the role of upper classmen and women. You are standing on the threshold of your adult lives. Soon you’ll be making decisions that will impact your future. You’ve chosen a theme, Forever Young. Now we all know that physically we can’t be forever young. If we could I wouldn’t be standing up here looking 50, I would look like look like you guys. Forever young is a state of mind and you can all choose the state of mind you’d like to be in. Again, life is all about choices.
As you begin your journey I ask you to keep my experience and your theme in mind.
Choose to live your life with a young and open mind, a young heart, and a young soul.
Choose to enjoy each step of your journey, not just the destination.
Choose to do your best with whatever life hands you.
Choose to believe in yourselves, because anything is possible.
Choose to set your expectations of yourselves high.
Choose to be free from prejudice because you are all created equal.
Choose to make a difference.
Choose to cherish your life for it is fleeting.
Choose to stand up for what is right, no matter how unpopular that may be.
Choose to have a sense of humor, because it will get you through a lot.
Choose to be courageous
Choose to be proud of yourselves because you are all amazing.
Choose to be kind, compassionate, and generous.
Choose to be a decent human being.
And finally,
Choose to be forever young.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
Thank You.
Yes! That's it. Thank God I was done! I wasn't happy about the way I delivered the speech, but I had a big accomplishment under my belt. Staring a fear in the face and just doing it brings about feelings of great accomplishment even though I felt just a little bit humiliated about my delivery. Some of the parents and students were gracious and kind in their words to me after the event was over. My sigh of relief upon completion could be heard throughout the gym. A short note, getting an A in college speech in no way qualifies you to get up in front of 500 people on your first go around. You may want to start out in smaller, less emotional venues.
Advice:
Honor your child's or friend's or spouse's request, if you can.
Take chances; face a fear, what's the worst that could happen, utter humiliation? You can live with that! It is all in how you perceive everything!
Remember that exhilaration upon completing a challenging task feels like a thousand volts of positive, healing energy running through your body. Do the hard work in the trenches so you can come out with a great feeling about yourself!!!! Live, live, live.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Chapter 26, June 21, 2005 The Two Year Mark
Chapter 26, June 21, 2005 The Two Year Mark
Today marks the two year anniversary of my liver metastasis diagnosis. There are no bells and whistles going off, just a normal sunny morning full of promise. I make my way to the kitchen for a hot cup of tea; grab a blanket and head out onto the deck for a conversation with God and nature. My tea cup rises to the sky as I make a toast, "Thank you for the past two years of life and here's to at seven more." I don't like to be greedy, but that is the least amount of time that I need, more would be better, but seven is necessary. Did I actually think I was going to die two years from the date of my diagnosis? Not really, that is just a reality that is almost too difficult to wrap your head around. Some people however do die almost exactly to the date they are given for a terminal finding. The time frame is one that I use as a marker, or a number to beat, that's all. The Dr. did say that people with my specific condition live for an average of two years. Some live longer, some are not so lucky. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Cindy, as always, is here for our evening anniversary celebration along with Mike and the girls but we've added another face, Alex's friend Jordon. KFC and beer are on the menu as well as healthier options for those who want them. There are joyful looks on everyone's faces as we make it around the table expressing thanks. Happy tears are a welcome addition to all of the gratitude we feel. I express my thanks to my family and friends for supporting me through this journey and vow to be here for next year's celebration. We laugh and talk for a few hours and forget why we are all gathered in the first place.
The kids are all two years older and a little wiser, how could you not gain wisdom living with such frightening news. Katie graduated from the 8th grade, thankfully. Junior High was not easy for her socially. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Junior High is not easy on any girl. Katie recalls sitting at home alone for the last three months without any friends. Something she did, something they did, who knows? Hard lessons from life help us grow into the person we are to become. She is now on her way to the 9th grade in the fall and hopes for a more positive environment.
The bone metastasis looms in the back of my mind. I am still on Capecitabine, but that will soon end as I am about to start a clinical trial for patients with stage IV Breast Metastasis. Unfortunately I'll lose my hair again. Having hair is so nice. People can't tell that I am sick, it keeps my head warm in the winter and I can pull it up in the summer, really nice. It would be great to keep it, especially because Mike and I will be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary in a month and I would like to look good for that. We'll see how it goes.
The Clinical Trial chemo starts today. I've been through this drill a few times before, but you never know how each chemo will affect you. It is a clear, warm Friday morning, my treatments are always on Fridays so I can use the weekend for the sickest times and start to feel better for the work week. Mike and I make the familiar trek to the Cleveland clinic to see Dr. B, my favorite Oncologist. He's just a hard working Dr. whom I trust. His nurse Bobbi is also a bright, hard working woman who is always on the ball. She is caring and efficient. My questions are welcomed and knowledgeably answered by her.
Labs, blood work, are drawn to ensure my counts are all good prior to having a treatment. I then settle in for roughly four hours of infusions. The day is long and tiring as they always are. According to my past experience with other chemos, I'll start to feel poorly this evening, be at my sickest tomorrow, feel slightly better on Sunday, and slowly progress to feeling a little better each day. By Thursday of the following week I am back to what is "normal" for being on a drug therapy.
Purposely, I schedule my Yoga and exercise classes on Monday and Wednesdays. This way I am forced to get back in the game right away Monday a.m. There is no time to lie around and be sick. Because of my dedication, calling in sick is not an option unless I'm close to death, which is rare. Having people waiting there, counting on me being there, gives me all the motivation I need. My sickest days, well those are the days my class dreads because I purposely make them more challenging just to prove to myself and them that I can do this.
My hair doesn't make it to my 19th wedding anniversary. I was rockin' pointed silver lamiae shoes, black slacks, white blouse and unfortunately a black and white scarf on my head. Not my best look but I put it all into a good perspective and headed out for a fun evening with friends Debbie and Randy. They are also celebrating their wedding anniversary. Dinner out in one of Cleveland's nicer restaurants was stimulating, there was good food, wine and great people watching. I love the excitement of a trendy, faced paced restaurant where patrons are dressed up for the evening. I could just sit and watch people all night, probably because their lives seem so much more interesting than mine. At our table there were conversations of our weddings, out trials and tribulations over the years and how happy we are to have made it this far in wedded bliss, or to be realistic we were all just happy to have made it this far. Marriage is a challenge. After dinner we headed out to a movie, Bridgette Jones' Diary. This was a good way to end our 19th year.
We also celebrate Frankie's birthday this weekend. She was born on the 1st of August and we were married on August 2nd. Frankie is 11 on this birthday and will be going into the 6th grade. After enduring her own social issues last year we are hoping for a fresh start.
The school year starts today! Katie made the freshman volleyball team as the libero, she plays only in the back row being the first line of defense for the serve. She is by far the littlest one on the team. Katie stands 5 feet tall on a good day, but she is fast and aggressive. Frankie is also playing volleyball for her 6th grade team in addition to being on a gymnastic club. She is a busy girl. Alex is a junior and dances 4 days a week for Absolute Dance Company; this was the path she chose after not making her Junior Varsity volley ball team. They dance to the the Hip Hop beat which she has easily taken to. Our kids' activities keep us moving and we enjoy watching every single competition they partake in. That is all I care about at this point in my life, spending as much time as possible with them.
Chemo continues to be tolerable. My white blood counts, which are your body's cells that fight against disease, have a hard time coming back up after my last treatment. If they get too low they will not administer treatment, it is too dangerous because your body can't defend itself against even the common cold, or fever. Dr. B wants me to go on a drug called Neulasta, this is a medicine that accelerates the production of white cells; keeping your chemo on schedule. I agree to try it. It is a shot administered 24 hours after chemo infusion.
My first Neulasta shot is this morning. There is a burning sensation as the nurse pushes it in, but it is fairly quick. The side effects for me start shortly after with a sick, hot stomach and bone pain, a lot of bone pain. The white blood cells are manufactured in the bone, hence the bone pain. The pain lingers for three days and then it subsides. The medication is successful in bringing up the white cell count, but I sure hate the side effects and it is very expensive, $8,500 a shot. $8,500 for one shot is what we were initially billed, apparently, once you are billed there are negotiations that go on between the Clinic and the insurance company and the insurance company doesn't always pay what we see on the bill, but it is still outrageously costly.
Drugs are so expensive; I understand that there can be years of research behind bringing a drug to market so they charge a lot to recoup the cost, but if one doesn't have insurance, or poor insurance, they couldn't afford to be sick. I wish there were a better way. On the bright side, the Neulasta shot keeps my chemo on schedule. If your treatment can be administered on time, there is a greater chance for it to work. I am grateful for that.
Advice:
Even though you are sick, celebrate your anniversaries and special occasions, wait for a day that you are feeling your best to do so.
Be sure to always thank and appreciate your supporters. They will keep you going when you feel like you can't.
Set your chemo schedule to what will work best for you. If you are working and don't want to miss too much time recoup on the weekends.
Set yourself up to be motivated by something other than yourself if you don't think you can do it on your own.
Today marks the two year anniversary of my liver metastasis diagnosis. There are no bells and whistles going off, just a normal sunny morning full of promise. I make my way to the kitchen for a hot cup of tea; grab a blanket and head out onto the deck for a conversation with God and nature. My tea cup rises to the sky as I make a toast, "Thank you for the past two years of life and here's to at seven more." I don't like to be greedy, but that is the least amount of time that I need, more would be better, but seven is necessary. Did I actually think I was going to die two years from the date of my diagnosis? Not really, that is just a reality that is almost too difficult to wrap your head around. Some people however do die almost exactly to the date they are given for a terminal finding. The time frame is one that I use as a marker, or a number to beat, that's all. The Dr. did say that people with my specific condition live for an average of two years. Some live longer, some are not so lucky. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Cindy, as always, is here for our evening anniversary celebration along with Mike and the girls but we've added another face, Alex's friend Jordon. KFC and beer are on the menu as well as healthier options for those who want them. There are joyful looks on everyone's faces as we make it around the table expressing thanks. Happy tears are a welcome addition to all of the gratitude we feel. I express my thanks to my family and friends for supporting me through this journey and vow to be here for next year's celebration. We laugh and talk for a few hours and forget why we are all gathered in the first place.
The kids are all two years older and a little wiser, how could you not gain wisdom living with such frightening news. Katie graduated from the 8th grade, thankfully. Junior High was not easy for her socially. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Junior High is not easy on any girl. Katie recalls sitting at home alone for the last three months without any friends. Something she did, something they did, who knows? Hard lessons from life help us grow into the person we are to become. She is now on her way to the 9th grade in the fall and hopes for a more positive environment.
The bone metastasis looms in the back of my mind. I am still on Capecitabine, but that will soon end as I am about to start a clinical trial for patients with stage IV Breast Metastasis. Unfortunately I'll lose my hair again. Having hair is so nice. People can't tell that I am sick, it keeps my head warm in the winter and I can pull it up in the summer, really nice. It would be great to keep it, especially because Mike and I will be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary in a month and I would like to look good for that. We'll see how it goes.
The Clinical Trial chemo starts today. I've been through this drill a few times before, but you never know how each chemo will affect you. It is a clear, warm Friday morning, my treatments are always on Fridays so I can use the weekend for the sickest times and start to feel better for the work week. Mike and I make the familiar trek to the Cleveland clinic to see Dr. B, my favorite Oncologist. He's just a hard working Dr. whom I trust. His nurse Bobbi is also a bright, hard working woman who is always on the ball. She is caring and efficient. My questions are welcomed and knowledgeably answered by her.
Labs, blood work, are drawn to ensure my counts are all good prior to having a treatment. I then settle in for roughly four hours of infusions. The day is long and tiring as they always are. According to my past experience with other chemos, I'll start to feel poorly this evening, be at my sickest tomorrow, feel slightly better on Sunday, and slowly progress to feeling a little better each day. By Thursday of the following week I am back to what is "normal" for being on a drug therapy.
Purposely, I schedule my Yoga and exercise classes on Monday and Wednesdays. This way I am forced to get back in the game right away Monday a.m. There is no time to lie around and be sick. Because of my dedication, calling in sick is not an option unless I'm close to death, which is rare. Having people waiting there, counting on me being there, gives me all the motivation I need. My sickest days, well those are the days my class dreads because I purposely make them more challenging just to prove to myself and them that I can do this.
My hair doesn't make it to my 19th wedding anniversary. I was rockin' pointed silver lamiae shoes, black slacks, white blouse and unfortunately a black and white scarf on my head. Not my best look but I put it all into a good perspective and headed out for a fun evening with friends Debbie and Randy. They are also celebrating their wedding anniversary. Dinner out in one of Cleveland's nicer restaurants was stimulating, there was good food, wine and great people watching. I love the excitement of a trendy, faced paced restaurant where patrons are dressed up for the evening. I could just sit and watch people all night, probably because their lives seem so much more interesting than mine. At our table there were conversations of our weddings, out trials and tribulations over the years and how happy we are to have made it this far in wedded bliss, or to be realistic we were all just happy to have made it this far. Marriage is a challenge. After dinner we headed out to a movie, Bridgette Jones' Diary. This was a good way to end our 19th year.
We also celebrate Frankie's birthday this weekend. She was born on the 1st of August and we were married on August 2nd. Frankie is 11 on this birthday and will be going into the 6th grade. After enduring her own social issues last year we are hoping for a fresh start.
The school year starts today! Katie made the freshman volleyball team as the libero, she plays only in the back row being the first line of defense for the serve. She is by far the littlest one on the team. Katie stands 5 feet tall on a good day, but she is fast and aggressive. Frankie is also playing volleyball for her 6th grade team in addition to being on a gymnastic club. She is a busy girl. Alex is a junior and dances 4 days a week for Absolute Dance Company; this was the path she chose after not making her Junior Varsity volley ball team. They dance to the the Hip Hop beat which she has easily taken to. Our kids' activities keep us moving and we enjoy watching every single competition they partake in. That is all I care about at this point in my life, spending as much time as possible with them.
Chemo continues to be tolerable. My white blood counts, which are your body's cells that fight against disease, have a hard time coming back up after my last treatment. If they get too low they will not administer treatment, it is too dangerous because your body can't defend itself against even the common cold, or fever. Dr. B wants me to go on a drug called Neulasta, this is a medicine that accelerates the production of white cells; keeping your chemo on schedule. I agree to try it. It is a shot administered 24 hours after chemo infusion.
My first Neulasta shot is this morning. There is a burning sensation as the nurse pushes it in, but it is fairly quick. The side effects for me start shortly after with a sick, hot stomach and bone pain, a lot of bone pain. The white blood cells are manufactured in the bone, hence the bone pain. The pain lingers for three days and then it subsides. The medication is successful in bringing up the white cell count, but I sure hate the side effects and it is very expensive, $8,500 a shot. $8,500 for one shot is what we were initially billed, apparently, once you are billed there are negotiations that go on between the Clinic and the insurance company and the insurance company doesn't always pay what we see on the bill, but it is still outrageously costly.
Drugs are so expensive; I understand that there can be years of research behind bringing a drug to market so they charge a lot to recoup the cost, but if one doesn't have insurance, or poor insurance, they couldn't afford to be sick. I wish there were a better way. On the bright side, the Neulasta shot keeps my chemo on schedule. If your treatment can be administered on time, there is a greater chance for it to work. I am grateful for that.
Advice:
Even though you are sick, celebrate your anniversaries and special occasions, wait for a day that you are feeling your best to do so.
Be sure to always thank and appreciate your supporters. They will keep you going when you feel like you can't.
Set your chemo schedule to what will work best for you. If you are working and don't want to miss too much time recoup on the weekends.
Set yourself up to be motivated by something other than yourself if you don't think you can do it on your own.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Chapter 25, the Cancer Spreads to the Bones
Chapter 25 the Cancer Spreads to the Bones
Easter is fast approaching. We have decided to go to Florida to visit my Mother in law Charlotte and her boyfriend Chuck. For a few months out of the winter they live in the Villages, an active retirement community not too far from Orlando. The kids are anxious to go, mostly because they think they're going to come back with a tan. We are also going to meet my sister Angie, her husband Rick and their two younger sons Sean and Charlie in Orlando for a few days of fun in the sun. Rick's two older boys from a previous marriage will be vacationing with their mother in Mexico.
There is a worrisome pain in my lower back which I've had for the last several days. The type of pain is new, one that I've not felt before. Instinctually I think it's the cancer, but I want to live with it before bringing it up to Mike or the doctor. When I get a new ache I don't like to alarm others with the news until I'm sure it is not going away and it needs to be checked. Besides, Spring Break starts in a few days and I don't want to bring down the mood for vacation, especially for the kids.
Our flight leaves at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. It is rare that we go anywhere but Minnesota so the kids can't wait to fly, because it is such a rare thing I like to make everything special for Alex, Katie and Frankie. After check in, we start off at Starbucks; a store I usually say is too expensive for coffee, move onto the drug store for magazines and then find a quick place for breakfast. Everything, like clockwork is on time at the airport. We board without any problems and are off into the air. Frankie sits by me because she is a little scared of flying. We hold hands during the take off and relax as soon as we level off in the air. The flight takes just a few hours and we land in sunny Florida.
Chuck and Charlotte are waiting for us at baggage; the car is quickly loaded and the girls settle in for a reluctant hour drive ahead. All the kids care about is getting there and swimming. "Maybe we'll meet some boys at the pool?" Katie says in a hopeful voice, "Only if you like 80 year olds," is my response. The Villages is also full of golf courses boasting various levels of beauty, difficulty and prestige. The popular choice for transportation around town is the golf cart. When the kids see this they beg to have a turn driving their Grandmother's around the block. After the driving lesson we head to the pool. You have to be 55 or older to live in this place so the only kids you see are grand children visiting. We didn't see any hot young boys but we did see a few older guys playing shuffle board.
On our first evening I decide to let the girls get their hair highlighted, by me of course. We run to the grocery store and pick up a home kit along with treats that I'll put in their Easter baskets which is just a few days away. I'm nervous to do the highlighting because I don't want to ruin their hair, but I am not about to let them get it done professionally at $60.00 a pop. Fearing making a mistake I am very slow and conservative with the die solution, praying the whole time that I don't screw up. I've done a few things to the girl's hair, like cutting it too short, or too crooked which they don't like and have had a fit about when it is done. I'm being extra careful. The finished product is to their satisfaction. The color is subtle which I like. The girls would like the color to stand out more, but they are ok with the end result, thank goodness.
The next day we are all up early to enjoy the warm weather. Mike is going golfing with my Mother in law and Chuck and the girls and I are going to the pool. They again take turns driving the golf cart, almost killing us a couple of times by running into the curb. We all lurch forward and almost fall out of the cart, but eventually make it to our destination. The pool was full of people. Apparently you have to get there early to get a seat. The kids are not allowed to use the chairs, just the adults. The girls are convinced that children are not liked in this community because many of the rules exclude them, and kids are not allowed to live there. They still manage to pull out a fun day in the warm sunny weather swimming, diving and playing games. By the end of the day we were pooped.
Tonight one of Chuck's sons is arriving so we are all going to the square to listen to music and shop at the craft fair held in the center of town. There are many bargains to be had from jewelry to watches to clothing. After stopping at every booth we sat down for an ice cream. Next on our list was a bar/restaurant called Katie Bells. We stopped in to sit down, relax and have a drink. Before you know it we are all out on the dance floor shaking to the music, even the kids. This really is an active retirement community. We saw an 80 year old woman moving like a twenty year old. Actually there were plenty of 50, 60, 70 and 80 year olds out sweating the night away on the dance floor. We laughed and danced the night away.
Today is Easter Sunday. There are Easter eggs and baskets to find before we get dressed for Mass. After indulging in some chocolate for breakfast we head out the door. Chuck and Charlotte stay home, but Chuck's son Bob joins us for the service. We went to a big, beautiful Catholic church in the middle of town. It was packed. We had a hard time finding seats, but once we did, we ended up giving them up to some of the many elderly parishioners looking for a place to rest for the hour.
The church was gorgeous! It was all white with big huge French style floor to ceiling windows. The Alter was in the center with pews and chairs flanking every side of it. The sun was beaming in from all sides and the skies were a beautiful clear blue, not a cloud to be found, really breath taking. The priest was a fabulous speaker and if I may say so, handsome as all get out, about 60 with a shock of perfect white hair. He reminded me of Father Ralph, a character in a movie called the Thorn Birds set in Australia in the 70's. The sermon was about life and appreciating it, a poignant message for me to hear at this juncture in my life. This priest could also deliver a joke as well as any comedian I've seen. The entire congregation was laughing at several different points. More people would go to Mass if they had this guy to look forward to every Sunday.
I hate to sound cynical, but this Parish seems to have some money and the parishioners, the majority of them are seniors, seniors that may be willing to give some of their money, at least 10% over to the church during their lives and perhaps more upon their passing. I wouldn't put it past the Catholic Church to send in their big guns to that type of parish to keep money coming in. That is just a thought that passes through my head during the service. I guess I don't trust organized religion too much. What the heck, I still enjoyed it immensely.
Charlotte's Easter Sunday dinner was tasty as always. The woman knows her way around the kitchen. I don't get to enjoy everything she's labored over because I am still doing the "Oil and Protein Diet" for my cancer, but what I had was good. Speaking of cancer, my back still hurts so I finally confide in Mike about my pain. I hate to do that because he gets so worried, but I'm convinced it is from the cancer so I divulge. We spend our last afternoon at the pool getting tanned and playing water games with the kids until they tire and are ready to go.
We rent a car for our final Florida destination which is Orlando to meet Angie and her family at a Marriott Extended Stay. We have so much fun with Angie and her family, the kids are close in age and The Greywitt's are born entertainers. There are plenty of laughs to go around when you're with them. We check into our hotel room and it smells like a Chinese takeout restaurant. Our neighbors are cooking some type of stir fry and the smell is coming directly through our vents. Unbearable, the stench is giving us all a headache. We had to change rooms. The new room is fine so we unpack, call my sister and head for the pool. This place is overrun with families, translation, cute boys to look at and flirt with.
Seeing Angie and her family is emotional, we quickly hug; exchange hi's and grab the first available chairs. The kids jump into the pool and start playing while the adults catch up on each other's lives, as well as jump in and out of the pool playing with the kids. We have a few drinks and lunch by the pool, the kids jump in and out to eat, warm up and jump back in.
That evening we all got dressed up and went out to a seafood restaurant. The menu was very pricey, but we were on vacation so we splurged. The kids ordered strawberry virgin margaritas while the adults had the real thing. I try hard to stick to my cancer diet so I just eat broiled fish and vegetable with a small glass of red wine. My back is hurting badly at this point, especially when I sit down or try to stand up. I let Angie know what's going on with me physically because we don't keep many secrets. She gets a bit scared, but I assure her everything is fine, just a little pain, nothing huge.
The bill arrived and we all collectively dropped our jaws. It was more than we bargained for, but the food was good and everyone had a wonderful time laughing talking and eating, well worth it. When we got back to the hotel we walked out past the property of the hotel to see fireworks. It was a beautiful evening with a warm breeze and lots of activity. We walked our dinner off and enjoyed our surroundings. Sleeping came easily because of the active day.
The next day the kids had room service in my sister's room and the adults went down for a quiet breakfast on one of the patios overlooking the property. Much to our surprise, not really, the kids were up to no good. They were out on the balcony watching the sun bathers when one of them had the brilliant idea to moon the crowd. On the count of three they were all to drop their pants. Frankie being the youngest and most naïve dropped her suit bottoms while none of the others did. They all got a good laugh at her expense and a scolding from us when we found out.
Even though we were near Disney World and with the kids we just hung out at the pool at our hotel talking and playing. We only get to see my sister and her family once a year so we just wanted to be with each other and have fun. It was enough to spend the next few days eating out, sunning ourselves, going for walks or just playing a game of basketball.
Much to our dismay our vacation time is up. The thought of going home feels sad because we've had so much fun. We say our tear filled goodbyes in the morning and head for the airport. The flight home isn't as much fun as the one there. We arrived to chilly winter weather, a disappointment after being in beautiful, warm, sunny Florida. When we got to the house we unpacked, did some laundry and relaxed. Usually it feels good to be home, but that part had not hit us yet. We still missed my sister and family and the warm weather.
I called the Oncologist early the next morning and made an appointment. My suspicions were confirmed with a bone scan and x-ray. The cancer had spread to L5 which in the lower back region. Dr. B told me that cancer in my bones was the least of my worries. Cancer in a vital organ, like the liver, is more pressing and bone cancer can be slow growing. The news didn't devastate me, of course I was disappointed, but after hearing Dr. B take the scary out of it, I took it in stride.
Femara, a hormone suppressant, had kept my cancer at bay since November 2003. Because it is no longer working I need to go on Capecitabine, a chemo therapy for metastatic breast cancer. My hair would stay intact and I'd just have to wait and see how well I handle the new drug. There is still no clinical trial drug I can take, but my current situation may get me closer. In order to get into a trial they have going on at the Clinic I've had to have failed on three other chemo treatments. If this one does not work I will be eligible. The trial is at a stage II so it has been tested on other cancer patients. If you do a stage I trial it has not been tested on other humans. The study in question is called Larotaxel, RPR110998. It is a study that will be tested around the world. I'm hoping to get into the Trial in a few months.
Advice
Go on vacations, share those special moments with your loved ones. Vacations are usually less stress so your children can see you have fun in a different environment than home.
Don't always have an agenda for the day. Enjoy peaceful conversations over delicious meals. Pay attention to your kids if you have them.
Act crazy, jump in the pool relive your more youthful days. The kids will enjoy that.
Remember that your relationships are your most treasured assests.
Easter is fast approaching. We have decided to go to Florida to visit my Mother in law Charlotte and her boyfriend Chuck. For a few months out of the winter they live in the Villages, an active retirement community not too far from Orlando. The kids are anxious to go, mostly because they think they're going to come back with a tan. We are also going to meet my sister Angie, her husband Rick and their two younger sons Sean and Charlie in Orlando for a few days of fun in the sun. Rick's two older boys from a previous marriage will be vacationing with their mother in Mexico.
There is a worrisome pain in my lower back which I've had for the last several days. The type of pain is new, one that I've not felt before. Instinctually I think it's the cancer, but I want to live with it before bringing it up to Mike or the doctor. When I get a new ache I don't like to alarm others with the news until I'm sure it is not going away and it needs to be checked. Besides, Spring Break starts in a few days and I don't want to bring down the mood for vacation, especially for the kids.
Our flight leaves at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. It is rare that we go anywhere but Minnesota so the kids can't wait to fly, because it is such a rare thing I like to make everything special for Alex, Katie and Frankie. After check in, we start off at Starbucks; a store I usually say is too expensive for coffee, move onto the drug store for magazines and then find a quick place for breakfast. Everything, like clockwork is on time at the airport. We board without any problems and are off into the air. Frankie sits by me because she is a little scared of flying. We hold hands during the take off and relax as soon as we level off in the air. The flight takes just a few hours and we land in sunny Florida.
Chuck and Charlotte are waiting for us at baggage; the car is quickly loaded and the girls settle in for a reluctant hour drive ahead. All the kids care about is getting there and swimming. "Maybe we'll meet some boys at the pool?" Katie says in a hopeful voice, "Only if you like 80 year olds," is my response. The Villages is also full of golf courses boasting various levels of beauty, difficulty and prestige. The popular choice for transportation around town is the golf cart. When the kids see this they beg to have a turn driving their Grandmother's around the block. After the driving lesson we head to the pool. You have to be 55 or older to live in this place so the only kids you see are grand children visiting. We didn't see any hot young boys but we did see a few older guys playing shuffle board.
On our first evening I decide to let the girls get their hair highlighted, by me of course. We run to the grocery store and pick up a home kit along with treats that I'll put in their Easter baskets which is just a few days away. I'm nervous to do the highlighting because I don't want to ruin their hair, but I am not about to let them get it done professionally at $60.00 a pop. Fearing making a mistake I am very slow and conservative with the die solution, praying the whole time that I don't screw up. I've done a few things to the girl's hair, like cutting it too short, or too crooked which they don't like and have had a fit about when it is done. I'm being extra careful. The finished product is to their satisfaction. The color is subtle which I like. The girls would like the color to stand out more, but they are ok with the end result, thank goodness.
The next day we are all up early to enjoy the warm weather. Mike is going golfing with my Mother in law and Chuck and the girls and I are going to the pool. They again take turns driving the golf cart, almost killing us a couple of times by running into the curb. We all lurch forward and almost fall out of the cart, but eventually make it to our destination. The pool was full of people. Apparently you have to get there early to get a seat. The kids are not allowed to use the chairs, just the adults. The girls are convinced that children are not liked in this community because many of the rules exclude them, and kids are not allowed to live there. They still manage to pull out a fun day in the warm sunny weather swimming, diving and playing games. By the end of the day we were pooped.
Tonight one of Chuck's sons is arriving so we are all going to the square to listen to music and shop at the craft fair held in the center of town. There are many bargains to be had from jewelry to watches to clothing. After stopping at every booth we sat down for an ice cream. Next on our list was a bar/restaurant called Katie Bells. We stopped in to sit down, relax and have a drink. Before you know it we are all out on the dance floor shaking to the music, even the kids. This really is an active retirement community. We saw an 80 year old woman moving like a twenty year old. Actually there were plenty of 50, 60, 70 and 80 year olds out sweating the night away on the dance floor. We laughed and danced the night away.
Today is Easter Sunday. There are Easter eggs and baskets to find before we get dressed for Mass. After indulging in some chocolate for breakfast we head out the door. Chuck and Charlotte stay home, but Chuck's son Bob joins us for the service. We went to a big, beautiful Catholic church in the middle of town. It was packed. We had a hard time finding seats, but once we did, we ended up giving them up to some of the many elderly parishioners looking for a place to rest for the hour.
The church was gorgeous! It was all white with big huge French style floor to ceiling windows. The Alter was in the center with pews and chairs flanking every side of it. The sun was beaming in from all sides and the skies were a beautiful clear blue, not a cloud to be found, really breath taking. The priest was a fabulous speaker and if I may say so, handsome as all get out, about 60 with a shock of perfect white hair. He reminded me of Father Ralph, a character in a movie called the Thorn Birds set in Australia in the 70's. The sermon was about life and appreciating it, a poignant message for me to hear at this juncture in my life. This priest could also deliver a joke as well as any comedian I've seen. The entire congregation was laughing at several different points. More people would go to Mass if they had this guy to look forward to every Sunday.
I hate to sound cynical, but this Parish seems to have some money and the parishioners, the majority of them are seniors, seniors that may be willing to give some of their money, at least 10% over to the church during their lives and perhaps more upon their passing. I wouldn't put it past the Catholic Church to send in their big guns to that type of parish to keep money coming in. That is just a thought that passes through my head during the service. I guess I don't trust organized religion too much. What the heck, I still enjoyed it immensely.
Charlotte's Easter Sunday dinner was tasty as always. The woman knows her way around the kitchen. I don't get to enjoy everything she's labored over because I am still doing the "Oil and Protein Diet" for my cancer, but what I had was good. Speaking of cancer, my back still hurts so I finally confide in Mike about my pain. I hate to do that because he gets so worried, but I'm convinced it is from the cancer so I divulge. We spend our last afternoon at the pool getting tanned and playing water games with the kids until they tire and are ready to go.
We rent a car for our final Florida destination which is Orlando to meet Angie and her family at a Marriott Extended Stay. We have so much fun with Angie and her family, the kids are close in age and The Greywitt's are born entertainers. There are plenty of laughs to go around when you're with them. We check into our hotel room and it smells like a Chinese takeout restaurant. Our neighbors are cooking some type of stir fry and the smell is coming directly through our vents. Unbearable, the stench is giving us all a headache. We had to change rooms. The new room is fine so we unpack, call my sister and head for the pool. This place is overrun with families, translation, cute boys to look at and flirt with.
Seeing Angie and her family is emotional, we quickly hug; exchange hi's and grab the first available chairs. The kids jump into the pool and start playing while the adults catch up on each other's lives, as well as jump in and out of the pool playing with the kids. We have a few drinks and lunch by the pool, the kids jump in and out to eat, warm up and jump back in.
That evening we all got dressed up and went out to a seafood restaurant. The menu was very pricey, but we were on vacation so we splurged. The kids ordered strawberry virgin margaritas while the adults had the real thing. I try hard to stick to my cancer diet so I just eat broiled fish and vegetable with a small glass of red wine. My back is hurting badly at this point, especially when I sit down or try to stand up. I let Angie know what's going on with me physically because we don't keep many secrets. She gets a bit scared, but I assure her everything is fine, just a little pain, nothing huge.
The bill arrived and we all collectively dropped our jaws. It was more than we bargained for, but the food was good and everyone had a wonderful time laughing talking and eating, well worth it. When we got back to the hotel we walked out past the property of the hotel to see fireworks. It was a beautiful evening with a warm breeze and lots of activity. We walked our dinner off and enjoyed our surroundings. Sleeping came easily because of the active day.
The next day the kids had room service in my sister's room and the adults went down for a quiet breakfast on one of the patios overlooking the property. Much to our surprise, not really, the kids were up to no good. They were out on the balcony watching the sun bathers when one of them had the brilliant idea to moon the crowd. On the count of three they were all to drop their pants. Frankie being the youngest and most naïve dropped her suit bottoms while none of the others did. They all got a good laugh at her expense and a scolding from us when we found out.
Even though we were near Disney World and with the kids we just hung out at the pool at our hotel talking and playing. We only get to see my sister and her family once a year so we just wanted to be with each other and have fun. It was enough to spend the next few days eating out, sunning ourselves, going for walks or just playing a game of basketball.
Much to our dismay our vacation time is up. The thought of going home feels sad because we've had so much fun. We say our tear filled goodbyes in the morning and head for the airport. The flight home isn't as much fun as the one there. We arrived to chilly winter weather, a disappointment after being in beautiful, warm, sunny Florida. When we got to the house we unpacked, did some laundry and relaxed. Usually it feels good to be home, but that part had not hit us yet. We still missed my sister and family and the warm weather.
I called the Oncologist early the next morning and made an appointment. My suspicions were confirmed with a bone scan and x-ray. The cancer had spread to L5 which in the lower back region. Dr. B told me that cancer in my bones was the least of my worries. Cancer in a vital organ, like the liver, is more pressing and bone cancer can be slow growing. The news didn't devastate me, of course I was disappointed, but after hearing Dr. B take the scary out of it, I took it in stride.
Femara, a hormone suppressant, had kept my cancer at bay since November 2003. Because it is no longer working I need to go on Capecitabine, a chemo therapy for metastatic breast cancer. My hair would stay intact and I'd just have to wait and see how well I handle the new drug. There is still no clinical trial drug I can take, but my current situation may get me closer. In order to get into a trial they have going on at the Clinic I've had to have failed on three other chemo treatments. If this one does not work I will be eligible. The trial is at a stage II so it has been tested on other cancer patients. If you do a stage I trial it has not been tested on other humans. The study in question is called Larotaxel, RPR110998. It is a study that will be tested around the world. I'm hoping to get into the Trial in a few months.
Advice
Go on vacations, share those special moments with your loved ones. Vacations are usually less stress so your children can see you have fun in a different environment than home.
Don't always have an agenda for the day. Enjoy peaceful conversations over delicious meals. Pay attention to your kids if you have them.
Act crazy, jump in the pool relive your more youthful days. The kids will enjoy that.
Remember that your relationships are your most treasured assests.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Chapter 24, One and a Half Years Down, Half a Year to go?
Chapter 24, One and a half years down, half a year to go?
Another Thanksgiving and Christmas rolls around and I'm still here. It has been about a year and a half since my liver metastases diagnosis, and the, "approximately two years to live", prognosis. Every milestone or holiday I pause to give thanks for my life and in times of weakness think about what will happen in the future. Will I be here a year from now celebrating these same holidays? In this moment we are enjoying the benefits of being together for another holiday season. Life seems so much more blissful now. Everything counts! It should have always counted, but you know how easy it is to think life will always be there, the way you want it to be, or the way that it is, until it just isn't any longer. When your existence hangs in the balance, when this is your last chance for everything, you try very hard not to take it for granted.
As a family we still avoid interacting with a lot of fear or negative discussion about my illness, if it comes up, we remind ourselves to live in the moment. That thought process is much easier when I don't have to go to the clinic every three weeks for chemo treatments, therefore I am not sick and I have some much appreciated hair. My written words cannot come close to conveying the gratitude I feel for this masked feeling of good health over past year. My disease has changed my life for the better solely because I have let it. That is all it takes. Once you accept your negative circumstances, you then give yourself the power to deal with it however you see fit. Are you going to wallow in your self pity and waste the time that you have left? Or, are you going to make the best out of every single moment that you are given? It is your choice.
Every Thanksgiving Eve my daughters and I go to a place called Hawks to purchase a real Christmas tree. This is the first day trees are available at this Nursery. We catch them just as they are being set up outside and we have many to choose from. I've gotten pre tree shopping down to a science. The decorations are brought up from the basement and arranged on the banister and windows, or left in boxes waiting to adorn the tree. Necessary furniture is moved to make way for the tree. The tree stand is brought along to ensure the right size and fit. We wait until late afternoon, pack in the car and venture out. The tree is, after careful deliberation, chosen, trimmed and tied to the roof of the car. Some years we have been fortunate enough to see a gentle snow falling which puts everyone in the mood for the start of the holiday season. This year just being here together puts us in the right frame of mind for the Season of thanks and giving. Because our holiday outing is during the day and it is just easier to have everything done and set up before Mike arrives home, he doesn't accompany us.
Mike used to take part in this ritual but it became too stressful and not fun for him. Perfectionism, tree hunting, ornaments breaking, trees falling over and kids throwing tinsel do not mix well together. He now has the opportunity to come home to a beautifully decorated tree, a nice warm fire and the house lit up like a holiday card, he doesn't have to know about the crazy antics it took to get it there, but we tell him anyway after he's settled in with his glass of wine and paper. "What ornaments broke?" is a common question.
This year I am instructing my oldest daughter Alex, now a sophomore in high school, in the ways of purchasing a tree and all the prep work that is entailed. She wonders why. I tell her she is getting older and it would be a good thing to know. If I were being honest with myself and to her I would say I'm showing you how to do it just in case I'm unable, or not here. I brush that thought away.
Our Holidays go off without a hitch this year. Thanksgiving is quiet and warm with Mike's Father, Dick for the meal and Chuck and Charlotte for dessert. Traditionally Thanksgiving weekend is spent Black Friday shopping for the girls and posing for the annual Christmas card picture. There is the usual bickering while taking 50 or so pictures and deciding which one captures the girl's persona best, but we finally get just the right photo for this year's card. Throughout December the shopping and working days are frenzied all the way up until Christmas break. When school lets out for the Holiday we all breathe a sigh of relief and look forward to Christmas Eve Mass as well as opening presents and sharing the evening and day with Mike's parents and significant others.
January 2005, the year starts out on an uplifting note. I'm finding that I am stronger and more confident about everything in my life. Mike and the girls are doing well at work and at school. My work is going well. The Yoga and body sculpting classes I teach at Ten Point O Gymnastics for adults are yielding confidence in my teaching skills. Class sizes are not large, but the participants are loyal. My friend Sue attends all of my classes faithfully and has become a cherished partner in exercise and conversation. She is a whiz on the computer so if I need a med researched or treatment option looked into she is Susie on the spot. Her input about my illness or anything else in my life has been invaluable. Her friendship and company makes me look forward to teaching every day.
An additional opportunity to use my CPT skills has arisen from the college I gained my degree. Their wellness program offers fee waivers to be used toward personal training hours every semester. The Health Physical Education and Recreation Department solicits the employees to partake in the program and the college pays the Trainers to give them tools to make better, smarter living choices through proper diet and exercise. It is not only a wonderful opportunity for employment for me, but also a proactive wellness benefit for health for the employees.
How could I not feel privileged at how fortunate I am? My job is satisfying. I enjoy the people I work with as well as the people I work for. My friends and my family life bring me joy and I'm still here.
Advice
Stop look and listen, appreciate the life you have around you. If you see things you want to change, get busy doing it.
Try not to take all the wonderful situations in your life for granted. Be reminded that life is good.
Accept a negative circumstance for what it is, but don't get stuck in the "poor me" syndrome, just try to make the best of it.
If you have a friend or family member who is better at a task than you, ask them for their help, they'll feel proactive in your care and you'll both benefit.
Another Thanksgiving and Christmas rolls around and I'm still here. It has been about a year and a half since my liver metastases diagnosis, and the, "approximately two years to live", prognosis. Every milestone or holiday I pause to give thanks for my life and in times of weakness think about what will happen in the future. Will I be here a year from now celebrating these same holidays? In this moment we are enjoying the benefits of being together for another holiday season. Life seems so much more blissful now. Everything counts! It should have always counted, but you know how easy it is to think life will always be there, the way you want it to be, or the way that it is, until it just isn't any longer. When your existence hangs in the balance, when this is your last chance for everything, you try very hard not to take it for granted.
As a family we still avoid interacting with a lot of fear or negative discussion about my illness, if it comes up, we remind ourselves to live in the moment. That thought process is much easier when I don't have to go to the clinic every three weeks for chemo treatments, therefore I am not sick and I have some much appreciated hair. My written words cannot come close to conveying the gratitude I feel for this masked feeling of good health over past year. My disease has changed my life for the better solely because I have let it. That is all it takes. Once you accept your negative circumstances, you then give yourself the power to deal with it however you see fit. Are you going to wallow in your self pity and waste the time that you have left? Or, are you going to make the best out of every single moment that you are given? It is your choice.
Every Thanksgiving Eve my daughters and I go to a place called Hawks to purchase a real Christmas tree. This is the first day trees are available at this Nursery. We catch them just as they are being set up outside and we have many to choose from. I've gotten pre tree shopping down to a science. The decorations are brought up from the basement and arranged on the banister and windows, or left in boxes waiting to adorn the tree. Necessary furniture is moved to make way for the tree. The tree stand is brought along to ensure the right size and fit. We wait until late afternoon, pack in the car and venture out. The tree is, after careful deliberation, chosen, trimmed and tied to the roof of the car. Some years we have been fortunate enough to see a gentle snow falling which puts everyone in the mood for the start of the holiday season. This year just being here together puts us in the right frame of mind for the Season of thanks and giving. Because our holiday outing is during the day and it is just easier to have everything done and set up before Mike arrives home, he doesn't accompany us.
Mike used to take part in this ritual but it became too stressful and not fun for him. Perfectionism, tree hunting, ornaments breaking, trees falling over and kids throwing tinsel do not mix well together. He now has the opportunity to come home to a beautifully decorated tree, a nice warm fire and the house lit up like a holiday card, he doesn't have to know about the crazy antics it took to get it there, but we tell him anyway after he's settled in with his glass of wine and paper. "What ornaments broke?" is a common question.
This year I am instructing my oldest daughter Alex, now a sophomore in high school, in the ways of purchasing a tree and all the prep work that is entailed. She wonders why. I tell her she is getting older and it would be a good thing to know. If I were being honest with myself and to her I would say I'm showing you how to do it just in case I'm unable, or not here. I brush that thought away.
Our Holidays go off without a hitch this year. Thanksgiving is quiet and warm with Mike's Father, Dick for the meal and Chuck and Charlotte for dessert. Traditionally Thanksgiving weekend is spent Black Friday shopping for the girls and posing for the annual Christmas card picture. There is the usual bickering while taking 50 or so pictures and deciding which one captures the girl's persona best, but we finally get just the right photo for this year's card. Throughout December the shopping and working days are frenzied all the way up until Christmas break. When school lets out for the Holiday we all breathe a sigh of relief and look forward to Christmas Eve Mass as well as opening presents and sharing the evening and day with Mike's parents and significant others.
January 2005, the year starts out on an uplifting note. I'm finding that I am stronger and more confident about everything in my life. Mike and the girls are doing well at work and at school. My work is going well. The Yoga and body sculpting classes I teach at Ten Point O Gymnastics for adults are yielding confidence in my teaching skills. Class sizes are not large, but the participants are loyal. My friend Sue attends all of my classes faithfully and has become a cherished partner in exercise and conversation. She is a whiz on the computer so if I need a med researched or treatment option looked into she is Susie on the spot. Her input about my illness or anything else in my life has been invaluable. Her friendship and company makes me look forward to teaching every day.
An additional opportunity to use my CPT skills has arisen from the college I gained my degree. Their wellness program offers fee waivers to be used toward personal training hours every semester. The Health Physical Education and Recreation Department solicits the employees to partake in the program and the college pays the Trainers to give them tools to make better, smarter living choices through proper diet and exercise. It is not only a wonderful opportunity for employment for me, but also a proactive wellness benefit for health for the employees.
How could I not feel privileged at how fortunate I am? My job is satisfying. I enjoy the people I work with as well as the people I work for. My friends and my family life bring me joy and I'm still here.
Advice
Stop look and listen, appreciate the life you have around you. If you see things you want to change, get busy doing it.
Try not to take all the wonderful situations in your life for granted. Be reminded that life is good.
Accept a negative circumstance for what it is, but don't get stuck in the "poor me" syndrome, just try to make the best of it.
If you have a friend or family member who is better at a task than you, ask them for their help, they'll feel proactive in your care and you'll both benefit.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Chapter 23, Fall 2004 Learning Yoga
Chapter 23, Fall 2004 Learning Yoga
My younger sister Angie has been doing Yoga for about a year. The results from this are; nicely defined shoulder and triceps muscles, the triceps are the muscles in the back of the upper arm, you know, the ones that have the ability to swing back and forth as you're waving at someone. Her core in tighter and stronger, giving her abdominal muscles more definition, which she swore she'd never get back after having an almost 10 lb baby, and a calm, relaxed disposition, also not easy to maintain in type her "A" household. Yoga, to Angie has become a new way of life. The deep breathing practiced in class helps relax and center her. She leaves her Yoga sessions feeling positive about life and completely peaceful, not to mention worked out. All of these uplifting results have prompted Angie to seek out a teaching certification to pursue this practice as a career. Once she accomplishes that, I too decide to get certified to teach.
There are many different types of Yoga being practiced around the world, from Restorative which concentrates on relaxation to Spiritual or Metaphysical connecting one to a higher level of consciousness and of course physical Yoga, which tones the body in unison with breath work. Hatha Yoga is the form that Angie practices; this combines a physical type of Yoga with deep breathing and relaxation. The certification she desires is offered through YogaFit, which you are more than likely to find taught in a health club rather than a Yoga Centre. To teach a level I class in this certification a 20 hour weekend seminar must be attended. Learning poses, alignment, Yoga philosophy, and proper breathing are all part of the weekend.
A YogaFit certification costs around $400.00 which would be covered by the scholarship I received the previous spring. Twenty hours was conceivable to me. Plus, I wanted to teach and learn a physical type of Yoga. This continuing education experience also boasts meditative techniques through relaxed breathing at the start and finish of each class. Deep breathing helps relieve stress which has become necessary for me in dealing with a terminal illness. And that, in my mind, is going to contribute to my ability to stay on this earth longer.
The classes are held at Kent State, a college about an hour away from me. This was my first experience going away, alone, for the weekend since my diagnosis. Apprehension stayed with me for most of the trip. My anxiety subsided as soon as I saw the beautiful, new fitness center at the college. There was a large gym littered with basketball hoops, surrounded by a running track on the second floor, several doors flanked the outside of the track housing individual group exercise rooms, it was pleasing to my eyes. Cardio and strength training equipment made neat long rows on the first floor completed by a healthy food bar. I immediately felt at home where my good friend exercise hangs out.
It may sound silly to say that exercise is a friend, but it is true. When you're down it picks you up, if you are sad it makes you happy, it relieves your frustration and takes your focus away from something negative to something positive. Exercise brings in more oxygen which is good for all of your bodily systems. When I use physical activity in moderation it makes me strong mentally. There is no down side to moderate exercise.
The learning experience was optimistic. People who are interested in Yoga are not only in touch with their compassionate side, they want to help individuals better their lives through this practice. Ten hour days went by quickly and my energy level kept pace with other participants. We were released at 6:00 pm, I checked into my hotel, ate dinner, which I packed and brought with, studied for the next day and fell into bed.
Our second and final day was tiring, but invigorating as well. At the end of the day we shared our appreciation for this wonderful weekend of new knowledge. The journey home was full of thoughts of how I would teach this exercise to help others and my health simultaneously. The last requirement of my certification is to teach eight one hour sessions at no cost to participants. This process in part, brings Yoga to the masses. People are more willing to try something new when it is free and it gives the instructor time to perfect their teaching skills.
Just teaching the classes helped me learn to relax and breathe deeper. Most people do not use their full lung capacity. We generally breathe shallow breaths, especially when we are stressed out. Breathing slowly and deeply helps one utilize the lungs to the potential their meant to be used. It also helps calm your nerves and slow down your mind. People don't slow down enough in this crazy world we live in. Stress is a factor in many lives and it needs to be dealt with. The negative side effects of stress can affect the body in harmful ways through illness and disease. Relaxation needs to be part of everyday life for a healthier future.
In my Yoga practice I have begun to add positive visualization during the relaxation portion of the session. Picture something that you want in your life. See yourself living that life. For me it was and still is picturing myself living healthy and well. I also ask students to visualize negative energy leaving the body on an exhale and positive energy coming in on an inhale. This is a tool to use toward my own good health. Yoga has been an uplifting move for me in my life's voyage.
Advice
Try Yoga! The Cleveland Clinic offers it and other holistic classes for free at The Gathering Place for its patients. Check your hospital or clinic for information about free classes. You will not be sorry. They have educated instructors who will keep your fitness level in mind. Yoga is all about balance and moving at your own individual pace.
Share your gift. Helping other people become positive and uplifted through exercise has lifted me up as well. What are your positive gifts? No good deed goes undone.
My younger sister Angie has been doing Yoga for about a year. The results from this are; nicely defined shoulder and triceps muscles, the triceps are the muscles in the back of the upper arm, you know, the ones that have the ability to swing back and forth as you're waving at someone. Her core in tighter and stronger, giving her abdominal muscles more definition, which she swore she'd never get back after having an almost 10 lb baby, and a calm, relaxed disposition, also not easy to maintain in type her "A" household. Yoga, to Angie has become a new way of life. The deep breathing practiced in class helps relax and center her. She leaves her Yoga sessions feeling positive about life and completely peaceful, not to mention worked out. All of these uplifting results have prompted Angie to seek out a teaching certification to pursue this practice as a career. Once she accomplishes that, I too decide to get certified to teach.
There are many different types of Yoga being practiced around the world, from Restorative which concentrates on relaxation to Spiritual or Metaphysical connecting one to a higher level of consciousness and of course physical Yoga, which tones the body in unison with breath work. Hatha Yoga is the form that Angie practices; this combines a physical type of Yoga with deep breathing and relaxation. The certification she desires is offered through YogaFit, which you are more than likely to find taught in a health club rather than a Yoga Centre. To teach a level I class in this certification a 20 hour weekend seminar must be attended. Learning poses, alignment, Yoga philosophy, and proper breathing are all part of the weekend.
A YogaFit certification costs around $400.00 which would be covered by the scholarship I received the previous spring. Twenty hours was conceivable to me. Plus, I wanted to teach and learn a physical type of Yoga. This continuing education experience also boasts meditative techniques through relaxed breathing at the start and finish of each class. Deep breathing helps relieve stress which has become necessary for me in dealing with a terminal illness. And that, in my mind, is going to contribute to my ability to stay on this earth longer.
The classes are held at Kent State, a college about an hour away from me. This was my first experience going away, alone, for the weekend since my diagnosis. Apprehension stayed with me for most of the trip. My anxiety subsided as soon as I saw the beautiful, new fitness center at the college. There was a large gym littered with basketball hoops, surrounded by a running track on the second floor, several doors flanked the outside of the track housing individual group exercise rooms, it was pleasing to my eyes. Cardio and strength training equipment made neat long rows on the first floor completed by a healthy food bar. I immediately felt at home where my good friend exercise hangs out.
It may sound silly to say that exercise is a friend, but it is true. When you're down it picks you up, if you are sad it makes you happy, it relieves your frustration and takes your focus away from something negative to something positive. Exercise brings in more oxygen which is good for all of your bodily systems. When I use physical activity in moderation it makes me strong mentally. There is no down side to moderate exercise.
The learning experience was optimistic. People who are interested in Yoga are not only in touch with their compassionate side, they want to help individuals better their lives through this practice. Ten hour days went by quickly and my energy level kept pace with other participants. We were released at 6:00 pm, I checked into my hotel, ate dinner, which I packed and brought with, studied for the next day and fell into bed.
Our second and final day was tiring, but invigorating as well. At the end of the day we shared our appreciation for this wonderful weekend of new knowledge. The journey home was full of thoughts of how I would teach this exercise to help others and my health simultaneously. The last requirement of my certification is to teach eight one hour sessions at no cost to participants. This process in part, brings Yoga to the masses. People are more willing to try something new when it is free and it gives the instructor time to perfect their teaching skills.
Just teaching the classes helped me learn to relax and breathe deeper. Most people do not use their full lung capacity. We generally breathe shallow breaths, especially when we are stressed out. Breathing slowly and deeply helps one utilize the lungs to the potential their meant to be used. It also helps calm your nerves and slow down your mind. People don't slow down enough in this crazy world we live in. Stress is a factor in many lives and it needs to be dealt with. The negative side effects of stress can affect the body in harmful ways through illness and disease. Relaxation needs to be part of everyday life for a healthier future.
In my Yoga practice I have begun to add positive visualization during the relaxation portion of the session. Picture something that you want in your life. See yourself living that life. For me it was and still is picturing myself living healthy and well. I also ask students to visualize negative energy leaving the body on an exhale and positive energy coming in on an inhale. This is a tool to use toward my own good health. Yoga has been an uplifting move for me in my life's voyage.
Advice
Try Yoga! The Cleveland Clinic offers it and other holistic classes for free at The Gathering Place for its patients. Check your hospital or clinic for information about free classes. You will not be sorry. They have educated instructors who will keep your fitness level in mind. Yoga is all about balance and moving at your own individual pace.
Share your gift. Helping other people become positive and uplifted through exercise has lifted me up as well. What are your positive gifts? No good deed goes undone.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Chapter 22, Fall 2004, A New School Year Begins
Chapter 22, Fall 2004, A New School Year
Another summer has passed. Unlike last year it was void of the steady stream of guests. One highlight however, was a quick visit from my Brother Brendan's adult daughter Christine and her boyfriend Fred from San Francisco. The girls had met them just once before at one of our summer family reunions in Minnesota. Prior to the reunion visit Mike and I had not seen Christine since she was a young girl. Her Mother was divorced from my brother Brendan, that coupled with distance made seeing Christine more challenging.
Fred and Christine are held high on a pedestal by the kids because they spent most of their short Minnesota visit teaching their younger cousins to play poker, using candy as the prize rather than currency. Kids love to be engaged in fun activities with their elders. It makes them feel valued and cared about. An entire day and evening was devoted to gambling, betting, laughing, winning and losing. Even though their visit to Ohio was just a few days, they manage to fit a couple of rounds of poker, some genuine, encouraging conversations about my illness and a little meaningful bonding. Because I did not get the opportunity to know Christine as well as I would have liked in her formative years, I value anytime I have to spend with her.
School starts in a few days for the girls. Alex is dealt a disappointing blow when she finds out she did not make the JV Volleyball Team. At the age of 14 life feels like it is going to end when you don't achieve the goals you have set for yourself. Listening to her crying in her room is difficult, but as an adult I know that it is our failures that fuel our achievements far more than our successes. My words, "A new opportunity will come along for you, one in which you are better suited," falls on deaf ears.
My health continues to hold steady, I'm feeling well, so I decide to coach my daughter Katie's 8th grade volleyball team again. The first year I, along with another mom, coached these girls in their fifth grade year because no one else volunteered for the job. Volleyball wasn't a sport I played so I knew little about how to play or coach it. We lost every game that first season. The second year we won one game. The third year I took off because of my illness and they won two games. We are in our fourth and final season and are winning more than we are losing. All good things come to those who wait, for four long years!
. Coaching Junior High girls is a challenge! One minute they act like the Devil's spawn and the next like God's angels. I guess it's because they vacillate between wanting to be twenty and two all in the same day. I blame it on hormones, confusion and apprehension about growing up. Getting them to concentrate on volleyball became problematic at times, but they could be fun as well.
I also had the added pressure of coaching my own daughter Katie whom I admire and love to death. She is determined, opinionated, take charge and aggressive. These are all great qualities for volleyball, but taxing on the Mom, or in this case the Coach. You want to be fair and not play your kid too much, but also not play them too little. Katie likes to have her way and it isn't always the way that it should be. I don't relish yelling at my kid or other kids for that matter, in a group setting, so it became stressful holding in my frustration.
Currently there is a popular expression the kids spew out when something positive happens which is, "Hells ya!" Because this is a Catholic school I continually discourage them from using this phrase. One day I had just had it with their antics and I screamed really loud at a few of them. Their eyes seemed like they were going to pop out of their heads as the look of shock covered their faces. From that moment on, the more challenging personalities were pretty well behaved.
Our last game was against the other eighth grade team at our own school. I would say they were considered the A team and we were the B team. Just a few weeks prior the A team whipped us into a pulp at a local tournament, a humiliating loss for the girls. All four years the other 8th grade group had a much better record and we had not won one single game against them. In the last game of the season we ended up beating them in two games by just two points in each game. It was a sweet victory for the girls and I could not have been prouder of them. As we huddled together at the end of the match the girls were screaming and jumping around. After several attempt to quiet them, I asked them all to look in my eyes, as a serious hush fell over them I said, "HELLS YA!" They all broke into laughter and cheers. It was a great end to their season.
Frankie is heading into her fifth grade year. Fears of my illness made her more introverted in the fourth grade. Using my cancer as an excuse not to socialize became common place. She once told a friend she couldn't come over because I had liver cancer. And her sleep patterns were plagued with cold sweats and bad dreams.
After many mother daughter conversations Frankie would try to become more social. This was easier said than done. She couldn't find a group to fit in, perhaps because of her technique. She is after all the baby of the family used to being the center of attention, not always caring whether this attention was positive or negative. She wasn't welcomed back in the fold with open arms. As she put it, everyone already has a mate, a partner or best friend, they don't really want another.
One Friday evening I took her to a high school football game. As we were walking toward a group of her classmate's one little girl yelled, "There's Frankie, run!"My reaction to this, much to my dismay, was to roar out the girls name like a mother lion protecting her cub. I motioned the child to come to me and she grudgingly obeyed wearing the look of fear and panic on her face. I, in not such a nice voice, told her to stop being cruel to Frankie. She agreed! What's she going to say to the wild eyed, crazed Mom staring her down? So what did I accomplish with that burst of anger?
Frankie was completely humiliated, her head snapped down so fast toward her feet she probably got whip lash, I put the fear of God in her old friend and I looked like a big bully. The next morning I called the child's Mother, who is a kind and gentle woman, to apologize for my behavior. My excuse for my action was simple, Frankie is having a difficult time with my illness, and I'm having a hard time seeing the pain she is going through so I wrongly snapped when I saw the kids running away from her.
Her Mother was gracious and understanding, telling me that her child prays for me every night, taking my humiliation a notch lower, as we hung up, I felt foolish. Being a protective mother is not necessarily new to me, I've just stepped it up a notch since my diagnosis. The lesson I should have learned from this is that kids usually work things out. When parents get involved it tends to make a bad situation worse.
On a positive note I'm learning to speak up when I see a wrong, I just need to direct myself or my children to do it in a proper, constructive way. Perhaps I'll learn to do it with grace and not yell at little kids in the future.
Advice
If cancer has kept you from your "regular life", jump back into it whenever possible. Participation brings back meaning that may have been lost during the difficult times of your illness.
Use a disappointment as a learning tool. It is a disguise for a future success.
Stand up for yourself and others, but do it along proper channels and in an appropriate way.
Another summer has passed. Unlike last year it was void of the steady stream of guests. One highlight however, was a quick visit from my Brother Brendan's adult daughter Christine and her boyfriend Fred from San Francisco. The girls had met them just once before at one of our summer family reunions in Minnesota. Prior to the reunion visit Mike and I had not seen Christine since she was a young girl. Her Mother was divorced from my brother Brendan, that coupled with distance made seeing Christine more challenging.
Fred and Christine are held high on a pedestal by the kids because they spent most of their short Minnesota visit teaching their younger cousins to play poker, using candy as the prize rather than currency. Kids love to be engaged in fun activities with their elders. It makes them feel valued and cared about. An entire day and evening was devoted to gambling, betting, laughing, winning and losing. Even though their visit to Ohio was just a few days, they manage to fit a couple of rounds of poker, some genuine, encouraging conversations about my illness and a little meaningful bonding. Because I did not get the opportunity to know Christine as well as I would have liked in her formative years, I value anytime I have to spend with her.
School starts in a few days for the girls. Alex is dealt a disappointing blow when she finds out she did not make the JV Volleyball Team. At the age of 14 life feels like it is going to end when you don't achieve the goals you have set for yourself. Listening to her crying in her room is difficult, but as an adult I know that it is our failures that fuel our achievements far more than our successes. My words, "A new opportunity will come along for you, one in which you are better suited," falls on deaf ears.
My health continues to hold steady, I'm feeling well, so I decide to coach my daughter Katie's 8th grade volleyball team again. The first year I, along with another mom, coached these girls in their fifth grade year because no one else volunteered for the job. Volleyball wasn't a sport I played so I knew little about how to play or coach it. We lost every game that first season. The second year we won one game. The third year I took off because of my illness and they won two games. We are in our fourth and final season and are winning more than we are losing. All good things come to those who wait, for four long years!
. Coaching Junior High girls is a challenge! One minute they act like the Devil's spawn and the next like God's angels. I guess it's because they vacillate between wanting to be twenty and two all in the same day. I blame it on hormones, confusion and apprehension about growing up. Getting them to concentrate on volleyball became problematic at times, but they could be fun as well.
I also had the added pressure of coaching my own daughter Katie whom I admire and love to death. She is determined, opinionated, take charge and aggressive. These are all great qualities for volleyball, but taxing on the Mom, or in this case the Coach. You want to be fair and not play your kid too much, but also not play them too little. Katie likes to have her way and it isn't always the way that it should be. I don't relish yelling at my kid or other kids for that matter, in a group setting, so it became stressful holding in my frustration.
Currently there is a popular expression the kids spew out when something positive happens which is, "Hells ya!" Because this is a Catholic school I continually discourage them from using this phrase. One day I had just had it with their antics and I screamed really loud at a few of them. Their eyes seemed like they were going to pop out of their heads as the look of shock covered their faces. From that moment on, the more challenging personalities were pretty well behaved.
Our last game was against the other eighth grade team at our own school. I would say they were considered the A team and we were the B team. Just a few weeks prior the A team whipped us into a pulp at a local tournament, a humiliating loss for the girls. All four years the other 8th grade group had a much better record and we had not won one single game against them. In the last game of the season we ended up beating them in two games by just two points in each game. It was a sweet victory for the girls and I could not have been prouder of them. As we huddled together at the end of the match the girls were screaming and jumping around. After several attempt to quiet them, I asked them all to look in my eyes, as a serious hush fell over them I said, "HELLS YA!" They all broke into laughter and cheers. It was a great end to their season.
Frankie is heading into her fifth grade year. Fears of my illness made her more introverted in the fourth grade. Using my cancer as an excuse not to socialize became common place. She once told a friend she couldn't come over because I had liver cancer. And her sleep patterns were plagued with cold sweats and bad dreams.
After many mother daughter conversations Frankie would try to become more social. This was easier said than done. She couldn't find a group to fit in, perhaps because of her technique. She is after all the baby of the family used to being the center of attention, not always caring whether this attention was positive or negative. She wasn't welcomed back in the fold with open arms. As she put it, everyone already has a mate, a partner or best friend, they don't really want another.
One Friday evening I took her to a high school football game. As we were walking toward a group of her classmate's one little girl yelled, "There's Frankie, run!"My reaction to this, much to my dismay, was to roar out the girls name like a mother lion protecting her cub. I motioned the child to come to me and she grudgingly obeyed wearing the look of fear and panic on her face. I, in not such a nice voice, told her to stop being cruel to Frankie. She agreed! What's she going to say to the wild eyed, crazed Mom staring her down? So what did I accomplish with that burst of anger?
Frankie was completely humiliated, her head snapped down so fast toward her feet she probably got whip lash, I put the fear of God in her old friend and I looked like a big bully. The next morning I called the child's Mother, who is a kind and gentle woman, to apologize for my behavior. My excuse for my action was simple, Frankie is having a difficult time with my illness, and I'm having a hard time seeing the pain she is going through so I wrongly snapped when I saw the kids running away from her.
Her Mother was gracious and understanding, telling me that her child prays for me every night, taking my humiliation a notch lower, as we hung up, I felt foolish. Being a protective mother is not necessarily new to me, I've just stepped it up a notch since my diagnosis. The lesson I should have learned from this is that kids usually work things out. When parents get involved it tends to make a bad situation worse.
On a positive note I'm learning to speak up when I see a wrong, I just need to direct myself or my children to do it in a proper, constructive way. Perhaps I'll learn to do it with grace and not yell at little kids in the future.
Advice
If cancer has kept you from your "regular life", jump back into it whenever possible. Participation brings back meaning that may have been lost during the difficult times of your illness.
Use a disappointment as a learning tool. It is a disguise for a future success.
Stand up for yourself and others, but do it along proper channels and in an appropriate way.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Chapter 21, June 21, 2004, My One Year Anniversary
Chapter 21 June 21, 2004 My One Year Anniversary
June 21, 2004, it has been a full year since my stage four Breast Cancer metastases to the liver was diagnosed. Other than a bit of fatigue, you'd never know there was anything wrong with me, everything looks and feels ordinary. What type of fatigue does a healthy 48 year old person feel anyway? This question plagues me, but is answered with; it depends on one's fitness level. If you've taken care of yourself throughout your life through diet and exercise, kept your bad habits to a moderate level, and are free of disease, living can feel good well into older age.
Symptoms of my disease continue to hide in normalcy, I have no pain, my CAT scans show no growth in the liver tumors, the hormone suppressant I take, (Femara), has not proved any negative side effects, and The Oil and Protein Diet I've been doing for the past six months has left me feeling satisfied. My head can't wrap around the fact that I have a year left to live, it doesn't seem possible. This lack of belief will help me in the long run.
This anniversary will be remembered and celebrated every year I survive from here on out with Mike, the girls, and my good friend Cindy, the original characters from the commencement of this journey. Everyone is served Kentucky Fried Chicken and beer or pop for the kids. I indulge in food from my diet along with 4 ounces of red, dry wine, all allowable ingredients.
Our conversations drift over the past year as we recognize how different the mood is this evening. That first night after my diagnosis we admit our fears let us visit the worst case scenarios in our minds, pictures of a sickly woman struggling to survive the two year diagnosis.
My current reality is anything but. The strength and confidence coming from me are noticeable; my gratitude is a symbol of hope. I can't shout out my appreciation enough. Will I be here next year at this time, my two year anniversary? Of course I will! There is no other alternative to imagine. Seeing myself at my children's' milestones keeps me moving and fighting, the bleacher's hold me while I watch Alex, my first born receive her diploma. That is just three short years away, 2007. Katie will graduate in 2009, Frankie, my youngest will graduate in 2012, I vow be here for all of those occasions!
Advice
Realize that a terminal diagnosis can be negotiated by you and with you. Doctors have statistics they work from, don't let yourself be a statistic. Keep on fighting until you no longer have the strength to fight. Realize your own power in your struggle.
Celebrate every anniversary; be grateful for your will to survive.
Take any positives steps necessary to prolong your life.
Keep your eyes on the prize, staying around for all of the special moments
June 21, 2004, it has been a full year since my stage four Breast Cancer metastases to the liver was diagnosed. Other than a bit of fatigue, you'd never know there was anything wrong with me, everything looks and feels ordinary. What type of fatigue does a healthy 48 year old person feel anyway? This question plagues me, but is answered with; it depends on one's fitness level. If you've taken care of yourself throughout your life through diet and exercise, kept your bad habits to a moderate level, and are free of disease, living can feel good well into older age.
Symptoms of my disease continue to hide in normalcy, I have no pain, my CAT scans show no growth in the liver tumors, the hormone suppressant I take, (Femara), has not proved any negative side effects, and The Oil and Protein Diet I've been doing for the past six months has left me feeling satisfied. My head can't wrap around the fact that I have a year left to live, it doesn't seem possible. This lack of belief will help me in the long run.
This anniversary will be remembered and celebrated every year I survive from here on out with Mike, the girls, and my good friend Cindy, the original characters from the commencement of this journey. Everyone is served Kentucky Fried Chicken and beer or pop for the kids. I indulge in food from my diet along with 4 ounces of red, dry wine, all allowable ingredients.
Our conversations drift over the past year as we recognize how different the mood is this evening. That first night after my diagnosis we admit our fears let us visit the worst case scenarios in our minds, pictures of a sickly woman struggling to survive the two year diagnosis.
My current reality is anything but. The strength and confidence coming from me are noticeable; my gratitude is a symbol of hope. I can't shout out my appreciation enough. Will I be here next year at this time, my two year anniversary? Of course I will! There is no other alternative to imagine. Seeing myself at my children's' milestones keeps me moving and fighting, the bleacher's hold me while I watch Alex, my first born receive her diploma. That is just three short years away, 2007. Katie will graduate in 2009, Frankie, my youngest will graduate in 2012, I vow be here for all of those occasions!
Advice
Realize that a terminal diagnosis can be negotiated by you and with you. Doctors have statistics they work from, don't let yourself be a statistic. Keep on fighting until you no longer have the strength to fight. Realize your own power in your struggle.
Celebrate every anniversary; be grateful for your will to survive.
Take any positives steps necessary to prolong your life.
Keep your eyes on the prize, staying around for all of the special moments
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Chapter 20, My Graduation, May 2004
Chapter 20, My Graduation, May 2004
Today I am graduating with an Associates of Applied Science degree from Lorain County Community College. When I first went back to school I wanted to get a Bachelor's degree to teach Physical Education. After I got sick, I wasn't sure that I'd have time to get the four year degree I desired, opting for a two year in Sports and Fitness Management. This education will still give me an opportunity to work with people of varied ages, improving their lives through exercise.
The past year, especially partaking in exercise classes through the Fall Semester while I was receiving treatment, was a challenge. In retrospect, the hard time I went through was well worth it. The insight I gained, made me realize that I could handle chemo much better if I stayed active. Remember, originally through my first chemo I didn't think I could handle physical activity, but because I had no choice in this instance, it was do or don't graduate, I forced myself through the exhaustion and came out a better, stronger person in the end.
There were a few days where I lost my head due to fatigue. Each type of exercise you teach requires not only an education, but a certification. We had weekend training for a Group Fitness certification through Aerobics and Fitness Association of America. The two day training lasted 8 to 10 hours both Saturday and Sunday. Some of it was academic, but most of it was physical. I was exhausted and Mike was out of town. I picked the girls up after class for a fast food, drive through dinner. Upon ordering I realized I didn't have enough money with me so I asked them if I could borrow a few bucks until we got home. They rolled their eyes at me with a frustrated exhalation. This behavior sent me into a screaming rant, the girls' eyes got so big as they held their breath and jerked their heads back in surprise. The drive thru employees must have heard the entire angry outburst because they were very timid and quiet when handing me the food. Mother of the year wasn't an award I'd get that day. We all got over it, the girls and I apologized to one another leaving us to have a peaceful, relaxed evening.
Mom and Dad traveled from Minnesota for the commencement and the party following. A few days prior to the graduation there was a scholarship ceremony where graduates were awarded monies toward continuing education for particular achievements. My scholarship was through the Cheri Szuc's Foundation. Cheri graduated from the same program as me, a month after her graduation she was killed by a drunk driver. The college set up a foundation in her honor. They also invite her parents to the yearly award ceremony. Between conversations with her parents about Cheri's death and exemplary life, the talk quickly turned emotional and heartfelt. Every situation I encounter these days carries with it so much meaning because I'm not sure how many more I'll have. Mom and Dad felt privileged to be in attendance and I was happy to have them along with Mike and the girls. A memory I hope my kids will cherish.
On graduation day, our celebration consisted of Mike's Father, Mother and her friend Chuck, our closest neighbors and a few friends. The party was lovely. The food was great! Charlotte, Mike's Mom is always ready to help prepare food and she is a great cook. My Mom worked by my side all morning preparing a delicious fare of wonderful tastes. There were cocktails and stories and laughter and great appreciation of the time we had to spend together.
Advice
Don't be afraid to exercise when you are going through chemo. Gage your activity level by what you were used to doing prior to treatment. If it was nothing, start out with light walking.
Challenge yourself, not by overdoing it; go a little bit beyond what you think you can do. Be cautious; always talk to your physician for advice.
If you, a family member or friend act inappropriately out of frustration from your situation, clear it up as soon as possible. Everyone should understand that tense times can result in difficult conditions.
Recognize and celebrate every single accomplishment.
Today I am graduating with an Associates of Applied Science degree from Lorain County Community College. When I first went back to school I wanted to get a Bachelor's degree to teach Physical Education. After I got sick, I wasn't sure that I'd have time to get the four year degree I desired, opting for a two year in Sports and Fitness Management. This education will still give me an opportunity to work with people of varied ages, improving their lives through exercise.
The past year, especially partaking in exercise classes through the Fall Semester while I was receiving treatment, was a challenge. In retrospect, the hard time I went through was well worth it. The insight I gained, made me realize that I could handle chemo much better if I stayed active. Remember, originally through my first chemo I didn't think I could handle physical activity, but because I had no choice in this instance, it was do or don't graduate, I forced myself through the exhaustion and came out a better, stronger person in the end.
There were a few days where I lost my head due to fatigue. Each type of exercise you teach requires not only an education, but a certification. We had weekend training for a Group Fitness certification through Aerobics and Fitness Association of America. The two day training lasted 8 to 10 hours both Saturday and Sunday. Some of it was academic, but most of it was physical. I was exhausted and Mike was out of town. I picked the girls up after class for a fast food, drive through dinner. Upon ordering I realized I didn't have enough money with me so I asked them if I could borrow a few bucks until we got home. They rolled their eyes at me with a frustrated exhalation. This behavior sent me into a screaming rant, the girls' eyes got so big as they held their breath and jerked their heads back in surprise. The drive thru employees must have heard the entire angry outburst because they were very timid and quiet when handing me the food. Mother of the year wasn't an award I'd get that day. We all got over it, the girls and I apologized to one another leaving us to have a peaceful, relaxed evening.
Mom and Dad traveled from Minnesota for the commencement and the party following. A few days prior to the graduation there was a scholarship ceremony where graduates were awarded monies toward continuing education for particular achievements. My scholarship was through the Cheri Szuc's Foundation. Cheri graduated from the same program as me, a month after her graduation she was killed by a drunk driver. The college set up a foundation in her honor. They also invite her parents to the yearly award ceremony. Between conversations with her parents about Cheri's death and exemplary life, the talk quickly turned emotional and heartfelt. Every situation I encounter these days carries with it so much meaning because I'm not sure how many more I'll have. Mom and Dad felt privileged to be in attendance and I was happy to have them along with Mike and the girls. A memory I hope my kids will cherish.
On graduation day, our celebration consisted of Mike's Father, Mother and her friend Chuck, our closest neighbors and a few friends. The party was lovely. The food was great! Charlotte, Mike's Mom is always ready to help prepare food and she is a great cook. My Mom worked by my side all morning preparing a delicious fare of wonderful tastes. There were cocktails and stories and laughter and great appreciation of the time we had to spend together.
Advice
Don't be afraid to exercise when you are going through chemo. Gage your activity level by what you were used to doing prior to treatment. If it was nothing, start out with light walking.
Challenge yourself, not by overdoing it; go a little bit beyond what you think you can do. Be cautious; always talk to your physician for advice.
If you, a family member or friend act inappropriately out of frustration from your situation, clear it up as soon as possible. Everyone should understand that tense times can result in difficult conditions.
Recognize and celebrate every single accomplishment.
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