Chapter 29, January 2006, Learning to Live my Life in Three Week Increments

Chapter 29, January 2006 learning to live my life in three week Increments
According to my Oncologist, due to my current state of health, it is highly unlikely that I'll ever be able to stop treatments, unless of course I decide to go off chemo altogether which in his medical opinion, won't bode well for my survival. What a daunting thought, chemo for the rest of my life. Perhaps someday, by some miracle I'll be cured, I hold that thought in the back of my mind, but for now, it is what it is. I've got to learn to accept this situation with a good frame of mind in order to move forward and have a decent quality of life.
As always, my treatments are administered every third Friday, this takes up a good part of the day. There is lab work first to make sure my blood counts are where they should be. Next there is a visit with the trial nurse followed by a check up by the Oncologist. Once everything proves to be in order, I move to the waiting area where several other patients are anticipating their own journey for the day. Many look tired and bogged down with illness. I, on the other hand, am full of energy and smiling prior to my passage through the halls of anticipated wellness. It is a different story when my day is complete, but for now I feel good and positive. The nurse announces my name and we head back to start the process of administering the premeds and chemo which will take about three hours.
Directly following treatment I'm groggy and lethargic, but I make myself use the stairs instead of the elevator at every turn, including the parking garage. This gives me a mental lift even though it's difficult to do physically. By Friday evening my sick feeling progresses to a burning like sensation in my stomach coupled with achy flu like symptoms. The next morning I return to the clinic for my Neulasta shot which takes just a few minutes. This is the drug that increases my immune fighting cells so my body has a defense system as well as keeping the treatments on schedule. By late Saturday afternoon the symptoms from the day before worsen, adding to it, a bad taste in my mouth and nausea which anti nausea drugs don't seem to take care of. They keep me from throwing up about 75% of the time, but the sick to my stomach feeling is still there. Bed, at this point, is the only place I want to be. Emotionally, this part of the ride is tough, it's easy to get down psychologically when you feel so physically sick. I sleep on and off Saturday evening with the help of Darvocet, a mild pain killer and sleep agent. Saltines and lemon Perrier are the only nourishment I can force down. By Sunday morning the negative symptoms improve, and are partially replaced by a bone pain that lasts for another three to four days at which time all the symptoms subside.
Do you have any idea how exhilarating it is to feel good when you've been to hell and back physically and emotionally? Let me tell you there is nothing better! I equate my dark sensations after chemo to going down into a ditch and then slowly crawling up and out of it to find a glorious bliss like ambiance where I can conquer the world. It's probably a little like being Bipolar. The lows are almost unbearable but the highs are incredible!
So, this is it! This, for the time being is what my life is going to be like. What are the steps I need to take to handle it? Think of the elation I feel when my negative symptoms subside. Be grateful that I have about two and a half weeks of feeling good in-between treatments. Appreciate the fact that the chemo is keeping the tumors stable. Know that the Neulasta shot is helping by maintaining the drug schedule as well as keeping my cells fighting system strong. Enjoy having the ability to taste foods as they were meant to taste. Cherish my in tacked finger and toe nails. Be thankful for the lack of mouth sores. Above all, give thanks for the simple fact that there is still a treatment available for me.
Advice
When you are in the depths of despair, have faith that there will soon be a light to guide you.
Make a list of pros and cons, highlight even smallest uplifting note.
Use every bright spot available to you in order to lift you up psychologically.
Have courage and strength to weather the storm.