Chapter 15 - My School Year Begins Fall 2003

Chapter 15 - My school year begins Fall 2003

The kids are back in school and it is my first day of the fall semester. I walk into my Group Exercise class and meet the eyes of my classmates, some are recognizable; some are not. Most of them are young, but a few are older. I'm scared and shaking in my tennis shoes for fear of the unknown. My head scarf feels like a bright beacon of light. I pull my shoulders back and make my way to an empty seat and greet everyone with a smile and hello.

I summon up the courage to pull off a look of normalcy and act as though nothing is wrong and everything is in place. This behavior puts my classmates at ease. Some of them have heard about my condition from the teacher. The school I attend is small and it feels like a family. The Instructors are all very nice and caring. When asked, I tell everyone that I'm doing well. And really, other than the side effects, I am. If I weren't feeling well, I'd probably lie and say I was fine. Both classes were filled with lectures and doing paperwork so no physical activity today. At least I got the initial class over with. Now I can relax and just do the best I can.

School, for me, is a welcome diversion. My husband is working and the kids are at school. If I didn't have to go to school I'd have too much idle time with thoughts of my illness running through my head. If I didn't have somewhere to go I'd be tempted to go back to bed. Another key to survival, staying occupied with work, school, volunteering, anything that takes your focus away from your illness; anything that gets you out of the house. I'll push myself more in front of a crowd than I would by myself probably because I care so much about my image. A schedule and some structure is a life saver for me.

Alex's Freshman Volleyball Team needs a parent to volunteer to makes lunches for away games. The job consists of collecting money from the parents and making the meals for the girls. I put a lot of effort into making the food. I want Alex to be proud of what her Mother does for her and her teammates. I cherish every opportunity I have to do something for my kids. Right now they are my key to survival. I get such pleasure out of doing things for them. Take yourself out of your own thoughts and fears and concentrate on the things that give you satisfaction, another key to survival.

I've heard many people say that when they were given a death sentence, they wanted to do something they had never done before. Travel the world, jump out of an airplane, meet some celebrity, or just be challenged in a way that they never had before. I have no desire to do any of that.

My wish is to keep my life as normal as possible. Cherish the moments I get to watch Frankie at gymnastics, or Katie and Alex playing volleyball. Those times fill my life with joy. I even look forward to helping my youngest with her homework. Now that's a challenge, since homework isn't her favorite subject! But it is important time that I get to spend with her.

You'd be surprised at how your life can change on a dime when you get life threatening news. You'd also be surprised at how easy it is to change in those circumstances. I'm not sure how much I've changed in regard to material possessions, I've always known that they can't make you happy, or if they do, it’s a fleeting moment. My relationships with my family and friends are the only things that give me meaning now. When I received the news of my illness I didn't think about the size of my home or the kind of car I drive, I wondered what kind of Mom, wife, sister, daughter or friend have I been.

Improving my relationship with me is another item on my agenda. I need to take better care of Kristy and her feelings. I tend to put other people first. My self esteem isn't as high as it should be. Self deprecation has accompanied me my whole life. I never wanted people to think I was full of myself or boastful, so I put myself down. Being sick has helped me work on those character blemishes.

My education and the kids sporting events have made the fall fly by. The Elementary, Jr. High and High School Volleyball season is coming to an end. All three of my girls play volleyball for their schools. We are at volleyball games at least four times a week. If we are not at games we are driving to and from practices. Frankie not only does volleyball, she has gymnastics practice three times a week. Throw in a little school and homework and you have a recipe for busy lives. The routine keeps us physically busy and our minds occupied. Our schedule doesn't leave time to think about our reality, which is o.k. for now.

Advice
Face your fears, keep your head held high and do what you need to do. The looks people give you when sporting a scarf are most often looks of compassion.
Stay as busy as your health will allow, not to pretend that your illness isn't happening, but to take your mind away from your illness for a little while.
Concentrate on things that bring you satisfaction.
If you want to do something you've never done before, do it, do whatever you feel is going to make you happy.