Chapter 19 March 2004, My 48th Birthday

Chapter 19 March 2004, My 48th Birthday

March 2, 2004, today is my 48th birthday! Let's hope there are many more of these in the future. My hair is about an inch long so I decide to lose the scarf. My appreciation for this moment flows though me like a white light of energy. It brings me a physical reaction of a smile coupled with a light spring in my step. Birthday celebrations are important, especially in light of my current health situation. My gift to me today is a small shopping spree, small because I'm so cheap, but I let go of the purse strings just enough to purchase a few items to update my wardrobe for my new, healthier look. In my younger days I was an absolute slave to style. Now that I have children, their fashion needs are more fun to feed.

Today however is all about me, I can't believe I'm saying that, but it is true. I'm going to do something that will bring me frivolous fun. I decide to dote on myself rather than everyone else for a change. I need to rejuvenate and lift myself up.

When I was going through chemo I would visualize myself as a healthy, strong, fit and fabulous woman walking tall. Now, I feel that I am here in my new, more fashionable clothes. Visualization has been extremely important to me in realizing my goals and dreams when it comes to my illness. I picture myself healthy and happy doing something in the future, whether it be tomorrow or 5 to 10 years from now. Remember, your thoughts are precursors to your actions. Think big. Visualization not only gives me a daydream like escape but also hope that I can survive. Continually believe in the power of your mind. Positive thoughts, along with positive images and beliefs help in how I deal with being sick. I much prefer holding onto the belief that something inspiring is going to happen with this illness rather than something negative.

Today I can honestly say that, terminal illness and all, my life is good, my life is great! The tumors are still present but they have been mentally pushed back to the recesses of my mind while I enjoy this moment of being 48 years old. When I woke up I started my day by saying; thanks for letting me wake up in this nice, warm bed. Thanks for my home, my family, the food in my cupboards and refrigerator. I have been truly blessed. Count your good fortunes, because there are many. Instead concentrating on my illness I concentrate on all that I have to be grateful for.

Life's upsets happen to us for a reason. Our difficult situations end up bringing the most growth and possibly the most joy. I would not wish my situation on anyone, but I would also not wish that they never had to deal with adversity. Adversity is what brings us our strength and helps us grow. It shows us what we are made of. Let your own tragedies lead you into a more positive, uplifting light.

Today is April 1, 2004, I continue to feel healthy. My tumors are stable. People can't believe that I have a stage four cancer. It's amazing, but it seems as though the common cold can take you down faster than cancer. When you have cancer and you are not going through chemo you don't necessarily feel or look sick. Your energy level may be less than normal, but it's the cure of chemo that drags you down. There is a precarious balance between giving you enough chemo to kill the bad cells without killing all of the good ones.


Currently I am in my last semester of school and working at a gym teaching strength and conditioning classes. At 48 and full of cancer I am in better shape than many of my class participants. Exercise has become an important factor in helping me cope with my illness. Exercising puts you in a better mood. It helps increase your energy level and strength which helps you get through physically difficult times. Exercise also makes you stronger mentally. Pushing yourself to exercise, especially when you don't want to, gives you the mental courage to accomplish even more difficult tasks.

I am one of those people who likes exercise. Not all the time, there are many times that I don't want to take the time to exercise and I have to force myself to do so, but I always feel better after I do it. Keeping the end result in mind, like a healthier, better looking body helps with adherence. As a kid I was athletic. And it came easy to me. Gym was one of my favorite subjects. Academically I didn't shine, but athletically I did. Gym was an easy A.

Since high school I've remained intermittently physically active. While in school I was a gymnast and a cheerleader which increased my appetite. After high school I kept the appetite but stopped the activity. This was a mistake. My 5'4" frame amassed an excess of 150 lbs, which made me miserable. Unable to afford the continual rotation of increasingly larger sizes, coupled with the last draw remark my older brother Brendan made about me resembling a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers, I decided to change my eating and exercise habits.

My roommate and I went on a strict diet. We ate healthy foods, counted our calories and made a big production out of our meals. The table was set each evening with china and wine classes filled with lemon water. At the time we lived in Minneapolis near three beautiful lakes in the city. We walked every summer evening around Lake Harriet which was 2 to 3 miles. Our exercise and social needs were all met at the same time because there was an abundance of cute guys running, skating, biking or walking as well. We met a few prospects, lost some weight and best of all, gained an appreciation for exercise and healthier eating habits.

I kept exercising on and off throughout my life, stopping and starting during pregnancies and child rearing. When I was about to turn forty I decided to train for a 10K in honor of my brother in law Chuck who I spoke of earlier, passing away at age 38 from lung cancer. Getting in shape for the race wasn't easy but I was highly motivated, soon after the race I started to slack off and not exercise. It was just 6 months later when my troubled brother Kevin, also 38, passed away from an obesity related disease.

Experiencing the death of a loved one can transform your life. I wanted their deaths to mean something. A positive change was in order for my life to honor them. This is when I decided to look at exercise as a ritual, like brushing my teeth. How many people go three months without brushing their teeth? That would be gross wouldn't it? The body needs to be maintained with exercise just as badly as your teeth need to stay healthy by being brushed. This thinking was not only the catalyst for me to stay active, but to go back to school as well. My new career goal was to teach people to exercise, help them learn to love it and treat it as a fun activity rather than something they dread.


Advice
Get involved in your own happiness. It's all up to you.
Learn to dote on yourself. You deserve pampering
Start your day with positive affirmations. It will set you in the right frame of mind.
Visualize the future in a positive light.
Exercise, your body desperately needs it.