Chapter six - effects on loved ones - your partner

CHAPTER SIX - EFFECTS ON LOVED ONES - YOUR PARTNER

Perhaps it goes without saying, but it's easy to forget how the supporters of a terminally ill person suffer as well. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on the part of the supporting spouse. Most importantly, they are afraid they are going to lose the sick person. Mike already has the pressure of bringing in the income, mostly by himself and keeping the all important insurance without which we would be in the poor house. Now, he has the added pressure of possibly having to raise our children alone.
I won't even get into the fact that your partner loses the spouse they once knew. They also lose normalcy of a relationship you may have had, whatever that was. It is difficult to live with someone who is sick. Your spouse feels sorry for you because of your plight. Having a physical relationship is also challenging because you don't feel well and your mind has many more serious thoughts going through it. Chemo and sex don't really go together, which may sound petty, but it is realistic. In my mind, sex is a subject that needs to be discussed and worked out, no matter what the outcome. The spouses go through so much and they don't get the sympathy they deserve.
My husband Mike is a tremendously capable guy. He is strong, a good husband, a loving father, an excellent provider, a nose to the grindstone kind of a guy. Mike never complains about the extra duties he has taken on because of my illness. But like many men he likes to control things, and, like it or not, my cancer is something he can't control and it scares him. Cancer, in so many ways, is easier to deal with if it’s your own. If you are like me, you realize that you are in charge of your own body. Maybe not what happens to you, but how you handle it. As the ancient philosopher Epictetus said, "Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens."
For the most part during our marriage, Mike has been the provider and I’ve raised the girls. He’s a little out of his league when it comes to them. I take most of that blame. When I quit my job to raise our first daughter, Alex, I felt guilty for not working. Mike thought he'd married a career woman. After the birth of Alex, going back to work seemed impossible. I also felt guilty about not bringing any money into the household so I completely took over everything that had to do with raising her, and Katie and Frankie, as they came along. That was a mistake for everyone because Mike didn't learn how to care for them and bond as closely to them.
A good example of this came when we moved to Ohio from Chicago. Mike was quite unhappy in his career of sales in the Contract Furniture Industry so he decided to change from the Furniture Business to Technologies. Some theorize that selling is selling, it doesn't matter what the service or product is, the art of selling it, doesn't change.
He was given an opportunity at the age of 40 to work for a company called Logos, Inc. in Westlake Ohio which deals in selling and servicing office technology. Mike sold them office furniture for a new building they had built and was so impressed with the two young owners. The whole time the project was going on he would come home and talk about these two great innovative guys, Tim Urwin and Chris Tjosjos. By the end of the project he had asked them for a job. After putting him through a battery of tests, they offered him an opportunity with a very low salary but high % of commission. Mike had a huge learning curve to overcome in this new Industry and was prepared to make a sacrifice of little money because we were somewhat financially secure with no debt. Sacrifices would still have to be made, we'd have to cut back until he started making the kind of money he was used to.
I decided to take on a part time job at a local department store in the evenings and weekends. These were the hours Mike would be home and could care for the kids so we didn't need to pay for a sitter. On my first Saturday I worked from 9:00 until 6:00. When I got home the kids told me that their Father had forgotten to get them lunch and they were starving! The girls were six, four and one at the time. Mike has a tendency to involve himself in projects that go all day. Did I mention that we were also in the process of renovating our new home at the time? He rarely stops to think about food, so he forgot about the kids as well. He just wasn't as attentive to the kids as I was. He was used to me taking care of everything. Mike had a big learning curve as a "Domestic God" too. He got a little better as time went on, but it was never his forte.
There were other times that he didn't know what to do with the kids for entertainment so he would take them to the Mall where I worked and let them try clothes on for a few hours. That may be why they are consumed with fashion and shopping. He also wasn't very good at saying "no" to them when it came time to buying the stuff they were trying on. It kind of defeated the purpose of me working. This was their bonding time and how they came to connect with their Father. Anytime they want to purchase something now they talk to him. I am the cheap one. It comes from being raised with twelve children.
Once the kids started to get a little older we had issues when it came to homework. Mike is strict, I can be too in certain situations, but he tends to yell a lot so I feel I have to compensate with patience and calm. Homework time wasn't always a walk in the park for me either, I would lose my temper, but most of the time I had a softer gentler way of dealing with problems that arise with school work. The kids preferred my help when they were younger, but that wasn't always possible.
When I supervise the kid's homework I don't like to be rushed. If there is too much surrounding pressure I forget to have patience. When the kids get home from school they eat dinner. Then I let them take a short break, after that it is right to homework. If for some reason I don't get to homework with the kids Mike will try to help them, but he gets home later and starts working on other tasks after dinner. This is when tempers fly because there is less time before bed. Kids are tired and cranky at this time and so are parents.
Maybe my illness has helped him move closer to the girls. He doesn't stay at the office as late as he used to. In the earlier days he wouldn't get home until 8:00 or so. The kids were ready for bed by this time. And the first thing he wanted to do was relax, eat dinner and read the paper. He does try to spend time with them. Mike hates to miss any type of sporting event that they are involved in. And, of course he usually willing to take them shopping.
Mike is just now realizing how much of the kids' lives he missed out on by consuming himself with work and home projects. He shows his love by trying to provide the perfect environment for his family which he is great at. But, what they really need is for him to be more nurturing toward them and not an inanimate object.
I see him trying not to work so hard at the office and at home, it used to be that if he wasn't at the office he was at home trying to create the perfect lawn, or organizing the garage, or running around town on his many errands. Providing for us has always been paramount to him, which is why he puts in a lot of hours. There is a certain type of lifestyle he wants for himself and for us.
Unfortunately, when you have a lot of material possessions, you give up time with your family. Staying here for awhile may help me rectify that situation and give him time to be more of a hands-on dad.
When I have chemo and I don't feel well Mike will take over meals or take the kids out to eat and spend time getting to know them. They talk while they eat and are beginning to bond with him in ways they have not in the past. He works a little more patiently with them on homework. There are certain subjects that they will ask him for help on like writing a paper, I usually help more with math because I've taken that subject in school more recently, hence, I remember more
The girls still go to Mike with matters of money. They would much prefer to have him take them school shopping than me. My answer is usually, "You don't need something that expensive." Mike's answer is "Let's just buy it." He has also bonded with the kids in their sporting activities. He enjoys being around other parents with kids in sports, rooting for his girls to do well and win a game. The girls are starting to see a softer side to their father. This is one of the many positive things I see coming out of my illness. When something tragic comes into your life, it is difficult and terrible, but something great usually always comes from that suffering. Hold onto those positive thoughts and they will get you through the night.
Advice
When you are feeling up to it, discuss the changes that may happen in your relationship, and go with whatever makes you comfortable.
Take care of yourself first, but realize that there are many who are suffering along with you. I'm not saying you should add additional burdens to your already heavy load, because your illness is enough to worry about, but your loved ones are going through their own unique pain.
Learn to cherish all the positive lessons that come from a difficult situation, they are always there. Change is often times good.
If possible, slow down your work schedules so you can spend time with family and or friends
Be ok with relinquishing some of your duties, it will lessen your stress and perhaps add value for the person helping you.