Chapter Five - Family Vacation June 2003

CHAPTER FIVE -FAMILY VACATION JUNE 2003

There were a few weeks in between my diagnosis and the start of chemotherapy so we decided not to alter our plans to take our scheduled vacation: first, our annual trip to Minnesota and then, my niece’s wedding in Iowa. The start of the drive was unlike our usual start to any trip we've ever taken. There wasn't any fighting. That fact in itself was an eerie feeling. Every trip we've ever taken has started with a fight. Mike is the perfect packer, and he has to control that task. He likes to organize the car in his own way so he insists on taking on the job of organizing the suitcases, boxes, etc. This generally makes him tired and somewhat frustrated.
Once the car is packed and we are ready to go everyone piles into the car with anticipation while Mike takes one last look around the house, checking lights and locks, windows, etc. And finally he makes himself a cup of coffee for the road. In the meantime, we've all been sitting in the car waiting for him. And, we are all irritated by this. We usually come to blows before we even get out of the driveway. So the first few miles of all of our trips are spent bickering or ignoring one another. The general respect for each other on this drive was nice, but the reason for it wasn't too comforting. There is nothing like a death sentence to set you straight on how to behave toward your family members.
We had a nice ride. We talked, watched movies and said please and thank when requesting something from one another. We didn't stop in Chicago as we usually do. Our mission was to get to Minnesota as quickly as possible. We arrived at my sister Angie's house exactly 12 hours after we left. She lives outside of Minneapolis, about 90 miles north of my Mom and Dad's. When we pulled in the driveway they were waiting for us. There were immediate hugs and tears all the way around. It was emotionally draining.

In true O'Brien and company fashion the jokes regarding the drive and or our disheveled looks started to fly almost as quickly as the tears ended. We are all well equipped at soothing ourselves with laughter. We settled in with conversation, the kids played outside, and we just all relaxed with a cocktail or cup of tea. It was good to be in our families company.
The following day we met up with my parents and more of my siblings and their families on our yearly trek to the Mall of America. Our family meets in Minnesota at the same time every summer so we can see each other at least once a year. I have brothers and sisters in California, Colorado, Iowa, Arkansas and yes, Minnesota. There were many more warm hugs, kisses and tears as we caught sight of one another. Again, no one spent any time bickering. We usually squabble at the mall too because there are so many people and everyone wants to do something different, but this time we were tolerant of one another's differences and happily obliged each other's indulgences. My girls as well as my nieces and nephews love to shop and the Mall of America, in their eyes, is the ultimate shopping experience. You can shop all day and not hit every store. We shopped, we ate, we cried, we laughed and we tired ourselves out by walking. It was a good diversion and everything we hoped it would be.
We stayed in Minnesota for a few days. My younger sister Angie and her husband Rick put us up at their lovely home. Gardening is a passion of theirs, so the yard and deck were made up like a virtual oasis. Yoga and spirituality play an important role in my sister's life so her home and gardens reflected that in their calming effect. We had tea in the mornings and basked in the beautiful morning sunlight. I didn’t want to leave.
Changing our environment took our focus away from my illness. We did have discussions regarding it, we talked about plans of action in addition to the chemo I would be administered. We discussed diets, acupuncture and other ways we had heard of people being healed from a terminal illness. The conversations were positive and uplifting, sort of like a pep talk before the big game. We talked with confidence regarding survival and how it was possible. We discussed testimonial stories of cures of people who survived the odds. Everyone seemed to have a story to tell.
My younger sister Mary met a man in a hospital waiting room who claims to have cured himself from lung cancer by eating a macrobiotic diet, acupuncture and by using Chinese healing methods, including deep breathing techniques, massage of the feet ears and abdomen, which apparently all have acupuncture energy channels. Massaging different sites increases energy to the area and related organs which intern promotes healing.
Before long, it was time to leave for the wedding in Iowa. My brother’s daughter was getting married in Ottumwa, my birth place. I hadn't been back there for forty five years. The drive from Minnesota to Iowa was memorable. We visited a few places we used to live as little kids. The drive down memory lane was emotional. We stopped in Ames, Iowa where we lived for a few years. I was little, under the age of five for sure. The only memory I have of living there was a day when I was helping my Mom wash the dishes. Too little to reach the sink, I was propped up on a chair splashing all the soapy water on the floor. Mom slipped on the floor and dislocated her knee cap. All I knew was that she was screaming and I yelled out the window for my siblings to come and help her because I couldn't get her up. My Mom was proud of me for running and getting help.
Most of us were born in Iowa, so we had many funny stories about growing up. When I was five years old we lived in a town called Creston, Iowa. One day we were bored, and I think there were at least ten kids in my family at this time ranging in age from infancy to 13.
We started wetting toilet paper and throwing it up to the living room ceiling until it stuck. By the time My Mom walked into the room the ceiling was covered. She took one look at the ceiling, now mind you, my Mother didn't swear, smoke, drink, her only vice was God and the bible, anyway, she spelled out you D-A-M-N kids and then burst into tears. We knew we were in big trouble then.
Another story begins at Christmas time. When you have 10 kids in your family, there are slim pickens for presents. We were lucky to get one thing, but that didn't stop us from being gitty and excited about the Holiday. On Christmas Eve there was a knock at the door and a few men appeared bearing gifts. We thought they were the wise men. They had a basket full of goodies like Coke, candy, cookies, etc. My parents went to the door while we were shooed away. My Mother started to cry and my Father thanked politely them, but refused the gift stating that we did not need charity. In the meantime we were all yelling, "take the Coke, take the coke." My parents swallowed their pride and accepted the Coke to give us an especially great Christmas. There were some joyous times in our crazy upbringing.
Have you ever been to Iowa? How about Iowa in the summer? It is hot and humid. The temperature was about 100 and at least 80% humidity. HOT! I must say though, the people are lovely. Everyone is so helpful and kind. They just go out of their way at every turn to help you. We stopped at a gas station and the employees there asked where we were from, how our trip was, and where we were going? They acted like they genuinely loved their $5.00 an hour job and they were just thrilled to meet us. Everyone was like that to us. It was so refreshing.

All of the families stayed at the Americ Inn. An inexpensive Inn where they offer free, serve yourself, continental breakfast, clean, descent rooms a pool and a nice lobby to gather in and talk around a fireplace. Our family ended up taking the place over. There were other guests, but the majority of the people were from our family. The kids were in heaven. My rich sister Paddy paid for a separate room for all of the older kids. They had fun staying up, watching movies and eating. I’m not sure who had more fun, the adults or the kids.

My youngest sister Alice lives in a small town near Cedar Rapids, Iowa. She and her significant other, Martin, are a bit reclusive. They keep to themselves. Martin runs a small business and Alice paints, writes and cooks for pleasure. They like their own company and don't venture out into the social world on a regular basis. The two of us sat in a corner and just had some good one on one time. Alice was of course concerned about my illness and how I was handling it. We talked about eating in a way to help my body heal, organic and healthy. She asked many emotional questions like how are you coping with the news, do you lie awake at night worrying and she wanted to know how exactly I was going to be able to deal with this situation.
My little sister was happy to see that I was so upbeat. Alice is a wonderful cook and brought me homemade organic muffins and cookies. Her compliments were positive and full of love. She has always been impressed by decisions I have made in my life, she looks up to me in a way and has no problem expressing her admiration for me. My heart was warmed by her presence. This situation was no exception. She was proud and not surprised by my strength and courage facing this challenge.
The wedding guests included five of my former high school class mates. One was my ex-sister-in-law, the bride’s mother. Seeing these five women again proved to be harder for me than expected. Perhaps because we were young and carefree in high school together, we went to football games together, sat in the same classrooms studying Math, Science and English. We even toilet papered kid's houses together, as well as got drunk together. We probably got drunk first and then toilet papered house. And now, I was faced with my death, reminding myself that we were no longer young and care free.
I found myself avoiding them until I could muster up enough courage to talk clinically about my cancer. Showing my emotions made me feel weak and I didn't want to feel like that with them. Sobbing about my illness wasn’t an image I wanted to leave my old friends with. There isn’t anything wrong with crying. I just didn’t want to feel weak and vulnerable around everyone.
When I talked to all of them about my diagnosis I put all the information out there for them to wallow in. They asked me several questions, said they were sorry for me, and hoped the best for me. I managed to pull a strong and capable front off, except with my ex-sister-in-law. I let her know that for whatever reason I was worried about seeing her and breaking down emotionally.
Her feelings were bruised by this admission, because when she was married to my brother we had a close relationship, one in which crying wasn't looked at as an admission of vulnerability, but a release to a trusted friend. She was like one of my own sisters and was hurt by the fact that our relationship had changed. It didn't take her long to get over the hurt; after all, her only daughter was getting married.
Finally, the wedding day was upon us. In the morning the family of woman, especially the bride and her party worked on decorating the hall. Everything looked beautiful. There were white lights and translucent fabric entwined throughout the banisters. Behind the French doors were white table clothes draped over round tables with beautiful flower arrangements. The anticipation of the day was exciting, but deep down I was nagged by one thing: would I ever experience my own daughters’ weddings?
The best part of any wedding is the reception. The setting was gorgeous. It looked like a French garden courtyard in the moon light lit up with classic white Christmas lights. Romance was in the air. The pictures took forever. I grew up in a big family, so big, in fact, that we had a difficult time getting everyone included in the picture. During it all, we made jokes and laughed, which made it fun.
Dinner and speeches came to an end with an emotional Irish tune, Danny Boy, sung by my dad. Imbibing and dancing carried on through the evening and early morning. Nearly everyone was drinking heavily-- it was an Irish wedding, after all-- everyone except me and a few others. Being sober at an Irish wedding with an open bar is an eye opening experience. The mother's of the bride and groom were dancing on the tables. The Groom and his party unbuttoned their shirts to their navels and danced the night away with each other.
My illness seemed a distant thought until my oldest daughter had the DJ play "Because I Loved You" by Celine Deon and asked me to dance. Her big brown eyes filled with tears that streamed down her face as she told me how much she loved me and wondered if I would dance with her at her own wedding. I cried a little while I explained to her that I would fight to stay around as long as possible. I was very reassuring. It was a tough but loving moment.

An audience of tear filled family members watched as we danced. Soon my two younger daughters and husband joined in and we all hugged. The remainder of the evening was spent reassuring people, and myself to some extent, that I would try my hardest to beat this thing. I was going to be strong and positive. Raising my three young daughters would be my main motivation-- that and loving and nurturing my husband and other family members.
After the wedding, when everyone but me was sleeping, I let my deepest fears creep into my mind. I was in bed next to my sleeping husband. A silent waterfall of tears poured out of me. For the first time since I found out about my liver cancer, I let myself be scared to death! Was I actually going to die? What would it be like? Would I wither away slowly or would it be quick? What would it feel like to die? Would I be in pain? Is there a God up there? Whether there was or not I was praying to him, or more like pleading and begging. “Let me live until my children graduate from high school. They’ll be adults and not have to spend their young years without me. My children and husband need me right now. They’ll still miss me no matter when I go, but at least they’ll be older.” I finally cried myself to sleep waking to a bright, hot more uplifting day.
Advice
Stay with scheduled plans if it does not interfere with your treatment schedule.
Visit family because they can be a great support, if not family, then friends, anyone that loves and stands behind you.
My sister garden was inspiring to me and it made me feel at peace, find a place where you can feel positive energy and let yourself be enveloped in it.
If you have bad habits in regard to food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, any negative thinking or behaviors, try to slowly make changes to the positive side.
Make future goals for yourself, one of mine is to live through my childrens' graduations. Goals can keep you going when you are feeling weak.