Chapter 16 - Going Off Chemo - October 2003

Chapter 16 - Going off Chemo, October 2003

By October 2003 the chemo side effects are getting to be too much for me to handle. Frustration is settling in, I am exhausted most of the time; this, coupled with all of the other negative side effects is wearing me down physically. Emotionally I still feel brave and I continually pray to God for help in holding on. There are so many people close to my heart struggling, so I try to keep my own feelings at bay.
Being strong for my supporters is almost a selfish act for me. When I am strong, they are strong. My mental tenacity is empowered by knowing I am setting an example for everyone. My strength comes out in subtle ways; first of all I have not crumbled up into a ball and wallowed in self pity, maybe because I am too frightened to do so for fear of what would happen if I did. If I react with fear or panic would this illness take a hold of me and swallow me up?
On the day of and the day following chemo I lay around more, this makes the kids and Mike panic a little. I continue to explain to everyone that it is the chemo and not the cancer that is making me sick. Other than chemo days I get out of bed early, before everyone else to perform my daily ritual of drinking tea and having a conversation with God in my living room or on my deck, or even standing in the woods behind my house. I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my family like clockwork.
My strength manifests itself by being a participant in my ordinary, everyday life. If I get depressed, I work hard at lifting myself up by thinking of all the good that I have in my life, I don't stay in bed all day long. I just march along like a little soldier. And believe me, on some days that alone, takes strength, but, you push yourself and push yourself and then one day you realize you don't have to push so hard. However, I reiterate, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to be a rock in the light of these side effects. I pray to find some other source of power. I need to find something for me. Day after day I put one foot in front of the other and trudge on. When I go to bed, my new and most favorite time of day, I pray for strength and a break until I fall asleep. Just when my situation seems to be the darkest, a little ray of light appears and I can feel hope streaming through. My tumors in the liver have shrunk a bit and have stabilized. Because of this, as well as, the doctor's concern that some of the side effects, like the neuropathy, the numbness in the hands and feet, might become permanent, the oncologist decides to take me off chemo and put me on a hormone therapy. How do ya like me now? Is all I have to say to myself. This is right up there with any of the great joys I have experienced in my life.
Femara is an oral chemotherapy drug which doesn't allow an enzyme called aromatase to convert androgens into estrogen. My cancer is estrogen receptor positive which means it is fed by estrogen. Without estrogen present the tumor can't grow and will hopefully shrink. The side effects for me are nothing. My hair has started to grow back. I don't have any bone or joint pain, nausea or hot flashes like some woman do with this drug.
I am thrilled. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I am looking forward to actually tasting those wonderful foods like; turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and pumpkin pie, my absolute favorite dishes. Suddenly I have so much more to be thankful for.
If the hormone therapy works, the doctor tells me, I can stay on it indefinitely. The longest anyone, with my diagnosis, has survived on Femara is five years. I hope to break that record. My immediate goal for survival is nine years-- that will put the kids through high school-- but I'm working on short term goals right now; like surviving on a daily basis and then monthly basis. When I reach a goal, I set another and keep on going. Who knows? I might be here to see my children make their own lives; graduate high school, college, have careers and eventually families of their own.
When you're fighting for your life, it's important to have goals. Write them down, and look at them every day. Visualize yourself being healthy. This just helps keep you on track, once you've written a goal down you've made a commitment, keep it in a place where you'll see it every day reminding you of what you are trying to achieve. "If you can see it and believe it you can achieve it."
By mid-November, my hair has covered my head like a scruffy, short beard. I still wear a rag on my head, something I'll do until it gets to an acceptable length. The first time I went through chemo I took the scarf off as soon as I had a little growth covering my entire head, this garnered some very shocked looks from people. I was at my daughters' school picking them up. Upon walking into Katie's classroom I was welcomed with surprised looks. This was not just from the kids but adults as well. Their stares made me feel uncomfortable, but there was one little boy with red hair and glasses from Frankie's first grade class that walked past me, pointed and yelled out, "Nice haircut Mrs. Wetzel." (All the kids call me Mrs. Wetzel because it's my husband and daughter's last name, I kept my maiden name, O'Brien) leave it to a little kid to make everything better. I love that kid, he made me smile.
My eyes and nails are clearing up. I am beaming. You can't imagine how fortunate I feel to have normal nails and eyes that don't constantly water. My survival, I know, is enhanced because I cherish the positive aspects of this fight, I appreciate feeling better even if it is just a little bit. It's important to be grateful for every little crumb because positive feelings not only build on one another they make you focus on all the good things that are happening and not the bad. This helps you slowly become mentally stronger.
Thanksgiving is a perfect holiday to share one's gratitude with their family, but this Thanksgiving is special for me. I am alive and off chemo. And, because of my disease, I've honed the skill of appreciation. Chalk another one up for the cancer card. Growing up, Thanksgivings were always hectic. I came from a family of twelve, so it was crazy. My mom always bought a 22 lb turkey which was devoured by the next day. We loved the meal complete with all the regular trimmings. She also made fresh cranberries, which I hated. One year I took a spoonful and spit it back in the bowl. My Dad got so angry at me and sent me down to the basement to eat with the dog. Consequently, I never include cranberries at my own Thanksgiving celebration.
This year, our Thanksgiving would be quaint. We celebrated with my immediate family and Mike's father. Mike's Mom and her friend Chuck stopped over in the evening for a late dessert. I enjoyed the quiet day, but I missed my Mom, Dad and siblings, too. We were especially grateful so we each took a turn expressing our thanks, crying and holding hands. It was a meal that was perfect, void of the usual bickering between the girls. Just perfect!

Advice
If you are a believer, pray, if nothing else, it creates a calming effect.
If you can't fight the fight for you, fight it for someone else, it helps bridge the gaps.
Learn to push yourself even when you don't want to, you soon find you don't have to push so hard, or even at times, at all.
Be grateful for every morsel of good.